Tag: relationships

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    HOW TO BE EMOTIONALLY STABLE AND HAPPY IN A LOVELESS MARRIAGE

    In our segments on marriage we have discussed various aspects of marriage. Today we discuss how a spouse lives emotionally stable and happy in a marriage they have decided to stay in for whatever the reason when love is gone. The following techniques can be used to reach this end:  1.DO NOT ALLOW THE LACK OF LOVE IN THE MARRIAGE TO DEFINE YOU.  2.DETACH YOURSELF EMOTIONALLY FROM YOUR SPOUSE. 3.QUIT TRYING TO CHANGE YOUR SPOUSE. 4.FIND SATISFACTION IN PERSONAL ENHANCEMENT,GROUP ACTIVITIES,AND FRIENDSHIPS. 5.LET ANGER,DISILLUSIONMENT,SELF-CRITICISM,HURT,HATE AND EVEN RAGE BE REPLACED WITH THE PEACE THAT COMES FROM ACCEPTING A NEW ROAD AND OPPORTUNITIES IN LIFE. 6.DROP UNREASONABLE EXPECTATIONS FOR YOURSELF. 7.QUIT FAULTFINDING…The goal is to live as emotionally stable and happy as one can as one lives in a marriage without love. Spiritual and professional support can be very helpful.

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    WHY SPOUSES STAY IN UNSATISFYING AND UNHAPPY MARRIAGES

    Among the happiest of days for most persons is when they get married. Unfortunately,a number of marriages/relationships that were once filled with deep love and caring turn into extreme bitterness or unhappiness. Many of these failing marriages are not the result of an extramarital affair,physical abuse or child abuse. No,they are the result of long term ongoing problems. While they can vary from marriage to marriage,at least some of the following have a dominant force in the failing marriage: 1.LACK OF RESPECT. 2.LACK OF APPRECIATION. 3.NO SEXUALITY AND PHYSICAL INTIMACY. 4.ALWAYS ANNOYED AT THE SPOUSE/PARTNER. 5.CONSTANT ARGUING,BICKERING AND FAULTFINDING. 6.RELATIONSHIP IS TOXIC TO THE EMOTIONAL WELL-BEING. 7.INTIMIDATION AND FEAR. 8.RELIGIOUS BELIEFS OPPOSED TO DIVORCE. MARRIAGE IS SEEN AS A SACRED BOND/VOW BEFORE GOD. 9.DIFFERING RELIGIOUS VIEWS. 10.FUTURE GOALS HAVE CHANGED AND ARE NOT COMPATIBLE FOR THE FUTURE OF THE MARRIAGE. 11.FEAR OF WHAT COULD HAPPEN AFTER A DIVORCE. 12.FINANCIAL CONCERNS. 13.IMPACT ON CHILDREN,CHILDREN CUSTODY CONCERNS AND OVERALL FAMILY RELATIONS. 14.CONTEMPT AND HATRED FOR THE PERSON. 15.DOES NOT FEEL CONNECTED TO THE PERSON. 16.TOGETHER BECAUSE OF HABIT WITHOUT LOVE OTHER THAN CARING FOR THE PERSON. 17.SUBSTANCE ABUSE. 18.HOW TO MANAGE MONEY RANGING FROM WHAT TO SPEND IT ON TO FIGHTING OVER WHAT MONEY BELONGS TO EACH. 19.CHILD REARING PRACTICES. 20.FATIGUE/BOREDOM/HABIT/ROUTINE/NEGLECT. 21.FEELINGS OF GUILT AND SHAME IF THE MARRIAGE FAILS. I have found it amazing over the decades in my work how many unhappy spouses in marriages/relationships have trouble determining what the problems are and how to solve them. They just live in the marriages/relationships and do not determine if/how they can be saved or how to end them. Of course,I always hope marriages can be saved with respectful love reunited in both persons. This can only occur when both persons work very hard to go back to why they fell in love and want to bring it back. Sadly,this is too often not possible. The feelings are too deep.

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    HOW THE BETRAYED SPOUSE CAN FORGIVE EXTRAMARITAL BETRAYAL AND SAVE THE MARRIAGE

    This is the third podcast on extramarital affairs. The first podcast was on reasons why partners have affairs and the second was on what the betraying spouse must do to try to save the marriage and love of the spouse. This segment is what the betrayed spouse needs to do to determine to stay in the marriage. As a starting point, the betraying spouse must show total remorse, total honesty, and a full commitment to the spouse and the marriage. If you determine to make an honest attempt to save the marriage, the following are representative of what must occur: 1. Obtain all the facts you need from your partner.  No question is out of bounds. As painful as this is, it is a critical aspect of your healing and ability to move forward. 2. Ongoing discussion about your feelings and what the affair did to you. Use the “I feel” statements rather than the accusatory “You made me feel” statements. 3. Engage in “active listening” where the spouse lets the other get all feelings out in the open with the other spouse quietly listening to fully understand and not respond or challenge the conclusions or statements. This is very hard to do. The offending spouse will need to develop this skill or there will be many heated interactions. You will also need to be able to use active listening to fully understand the betraying spouse. 4.A need for open discussion about the affair to get everything out over an extended period of time. 5. Try to limit the amount of time talking about the affair on a daily basis. Both spouses need conversation and activities separate from the affair. This will be strongly determined by you. 6. Expect many soul searching moments where the emotional pain can return in extreme amounts and you question if you could ever love or trust your spouse again. 7. If both spouses really want the relationship to work and the period of time needed by you to move forward is used by both to save the marriage, then it can occur. Be aware the process will predictably be long and hard on both spouses. The emotional mountains to climb to move forward and understand why and how the extramarital occurred are very difficult to climb but must be done. 8. The amount of time needed to fully commit to saving the marriage varies with the betrayed spouse and can only be determined by that person…I am a positive person. I have worked with many betrayed spouses over the decades who have overcome the horrible betrayal of a spouse and have gone back to loving and successful marriages. Both spouses need to work in overdrive to have this occur. There also is the need during this whole soul-searching time to look at problems that existed prior to the extramarital affair and make sure by both persons that they never occur again and are rooted out in the whole reconciliation process.

     

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    WHAT A SPOUSE MUST DO WHO HAS HAD AN EXTRAMARITAL AFFAIR TO TRY TO SAVE THE MARRIAGE.

    Due to the immense pain experienced by the spouse who has been forced to recognize their spouse has been unfaithful,it is not surprising it is so difficult for the love and trust to be rekindled. I again want to emphasize how difficult it is for both persons to effectively overcome the betrayal. The following are some suggested actions that predictably are needed to be implemented by the betraying spouse to ever hope to be able to return to a loving relationship:  1.Absolute termination of the affair with proof presented as needed. 2.Genuine remorse. 3.Honesty. Answer all questions over and over again as necessary. 4.Patience, patience and even more patience. It will take a long time and you must expect much anger and hurt directed to you. 5. Take responsibility. You did it! 6. Control your anger. You caused the problems you are having and must deal with the consequences. 7. Become an active listener to try to fully understand the emotional hurt and pain you have caused…These are very difficult things for an individual to do and sadly the result is often failure or both spouses living in a very unhappy or mediocre marriage. You absolutely do not want either of those results. The above suggested actions are necessary if you desire to return to a loving and caring relationship. For emphasis, the damage is sadly often such that the marriage cannot be saved. It also is true that even in relationships that are saved, the passion, understanding, intimacy, loving, and general happiness are often never again fully achieved. With that said, you can be successful in rekindling your relationship if both spouses desire a loving marriage to continue and total honesty and sincere remorse are fully demonstrated to the betrayed spouse.

     

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    WHY SPOUSES HAVE EXTRAMARITAL AFFAIRS

    Let us define an affair as when a spouse/partner has a strong emotional and/or physical relationship with a person outside of the marriage/relationship. Whether blatant or hidden until found out,it is devastating to the other spouse/partner. The duration and intensity of the relationship are factors that relate to the possibility of healing and a couple staying together. Numbers are impossible to know for sure since many if not most persons do not admit they are or have had affairs. The AMERICAN ASSOCIATION FOR MARRIAGE AND FAMILY THERAPY says surveys show percentages having extra-marital affairs are 25% for men and 15% for women. Reasons given for affairs would include the following: 1. lack of sexual satisfaction. 2. lack of sexual activity. 3. desire for sexual and/or emotional satisfaction. 4. desires multiple sexual encounters. 5.obsessive-compulsive sexual behavior.  6. lack of love with spouse. 7. desire for ego-enhancement. 8. curiosity. 9. risk-taking. 10. poor judgment.  11. lack of moral compass/conscience. 12. revenge. 13. anger…An amazing thing I have seen in my work of many years with couples is how often spouses will have extramarital affairs and never try to resolve possible underlying issues in their relationships at home. That is not an excuse but a very surprising element of many extramarital affairs.

     

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    STAGES OF SUCCESSFUL AND UNSUCCESSFUL MARRIAGES/RELATIONSHIPS

    I have done couples therapy since the seventies. Names and faces have changed,but the stages of successful and unsuccessful marriages have not. Stage one is the period the partners fall in love and commit to each other for a lifetime. This is generally an exciting and loving time where each finds the best in each other and each shows their best sides. Stage two is when each realizes the differences they have that cause friction and recognize the need to clearly define them and learn to compromise and overcome them. Stage three reflects how successful they have been in resolving their differences in a way their love matures and lasts a lifetime. If this does not occur,the relationship at best will be very difficult for each of them. At worst,the relationship will end in divorce with feelings of anger,rage,frustration,indifference,distrust,betrayal or some combination of them. 

     

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    Betting: It’s Not Worth the Gamble

    Question

    Dr.Braccio:  My sister silifke eskort numaraları is devastated.  Her daughter has left her husband at least temporarily with her two children to live with her because her husband has a gambling addiction and has thrown their money to the wind.  She found out his gambling was far worse than she ever imagined.  Video poker is what controls him and he won’t stop.  I even loaned him some money to be helpful for a project he said he was working on.  I now find out he lied to me and has borrowed from everyone and is broke.  He also is on the way to losing his job.  He sometimes misses work by spending hours in front of the computer.  This seems so stupid.  I have a mind to meet with him and try to talk some sense into him.  My niece has about given up with all his promises and lies to stop.  My sister says he has tried to stop but amazingly still thinks he can beat the system and win big.  What do you think?  What can I do?

     Answer

    I think your nephew is a pathological gambler in denial.  Gambling is seen as addictive as cocaine with similar consequences.  It is less understood and more hidden because there is no known substance like alcohol or other drugs.  The person is not using a needle or slurring his or her words.  But the devastation is as great as well as having a higher suicide rate.  It is an illness that one must do all that he or she can to overcome it.

    The biggest problem at present is his unwillingness to accept he has a gambling addiction and that he, like the alcoholic with drinking, must never gamble again.  Like all addictions, he chooses the euphoric highs that come periodically when he wins and wants them to return.  The dream of then returning is a poor compensation for the horrible lows when he is losing.  In the process his self-esteem is shattered by his lying and ever mounting losses.  In this horrible world, he continues to gamble with the dream of making it all back and winning bigger than ever.

    Even if he hits the “home run”, he would want more because of the highs and his desire for never ending highs.  Unless you experience it or have observed it, it is almost impossible to understand.  It is a horrible mental health illness and not just a lack of willpower.

    You can imagine the suffering the wife and children are feeling.  The sense of loss and abandonment.  You and your sister are also having horrible feelings as I am sure are other family members.

    At this point, there is little you or anyone else can do for him until he decides he has an addiction and he needs help to overcome it.  Progress can then occur.

    Above all, do not give him money.  That would go right back into gambling and feed his addiction.  If he calls, talk to him respectfully and be honest with him about how you feel, but do not accept statements at face value if he says he is done gambling.

    Based on his needs, when he accepts his addiction, he will need treatment by a trained therapist, group therapy, residential placement, involvement with a group such as Gamblers Anonymous or some combination.  Medication could help with a diagnosis of Depression, Anxiety, etc.

    You can try to become as knowledgeable as possible on the gambling addiction to help you understand what is happening with him and what a family can do when everyone tries to be a support.  The internet has a lot of information under compulsive gambling or any bookstore would have or could order you a book on the topic.

    The Michigan Department of Community Health has a 24 hour hotline (800) 270-7117 for people who have a gambling addition or those who know someone who does.  You can go to the Gamblers Anonymous website at www.gamblersanonymous.org to gain some very helpful information.  A related support group for you and the family would be Gam-Anon and their website is www.gam.anon.org.  TheMichigan Hotline. (313) 792-2877, to find out where meetings are is the same for both places.

    There is a twenty-question page on the Gambler Anonymous website that is very instructive to the addicted gambler or someone like you trying to gain information.  The website says most compulsive gamblers will answer YES to at least seven of these questions.  You can see just on what you know now he would logically need to say yes to at least seven of them.  That he would not or would deny the significance shows the level of his addiction.  Until he can do that, there is not much you or anyone else can do for him.  That is the sad truth.

    The questions are as follows:
    1.    Did you ever lose time from work or school due to gambling?

    2.    Has gambling ever made your home life unhappy?

    3.    Did gambling affect your reputation?

    4.    Have you ever felt remorse after gambling?

    5.    Did you ever gamble to get money with which to pay debts or otherwise  solve financial difficulties?

    6.    Did gambling cause a decrease in your ambition or efficiency?

    7.    After losing, did you feel you must return as soon as possible and win back your losses?

    8.    After a win, did you have strong urge to return and win more?

    9.    Did you often gamble until your last dollar was gone?

    10.  Did you ever borrow to finance your gambling?

    11.  Have you ever sold anything to finance gambling?

    12.  Were you reluctant to use “gambling money” for normal expenditures?

    13.  Did gambling make you careless of the welfare of yourself or your family?

    14.  Did you ever gamble longer than you had planned?

    15.  Have you ever gambled to escape worry or trouble?

    16.  Have you ever committed or considered committing, an illegal act to finance gambling?

    17.  Did gambling cause you to have difficulty in sleeping?

    18.  Do arguments, disappointments or frustration create within you an urge to gamble?

    19.  Did you ever have an urge to celebrate any good fortune by a few hours of  gambling?

    20.  Have you ever considered self-destruction or suicide as a result of your gambling?

    Any questions or comment would be appreciated.

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    Even The Tiniest of Lies Disrupts Family

    Question

     Dr.Braccio:  My husband and I believe anamur bayan escort honesty is the most important quality to judge a person by.  Our ten and twelve year old children are generally truthful but do lie a bit about completing chores as we request and completing their homework.  They try to minimize the lies and we probably maximize them.  What do you think?

     Answer

    I believe that “honesty is the best policy”.  I also agree with you about the importance of honesty.  In fact, the stature of a person is greatly diminished if we cannot believe what they say.

    You cannot maximize the inappropriateness of lying.  Persons can only be judged by their integrity; and honesty is the core element.

    As parents, we must model honesty and demand it of our children.  To do otherwise is ineffective parenting and ultimately will hurt their relationships with others.  Let them know the punishment will be far more severe for lying than for whatever they did not do.

    Do not listen to those who say all children lie about such things and to ignore it.  To do that is both ineffective parenting and an invitation to add new areas to lie about.  Lying is flat out unacceptable in a home and everywhere else.

    Human nature is such that if one does not stop negative behaviors, they become ingrained into our personalities.  It also is true that lying is easy to develop and deceptively hard to eliminate.     You simply need to think of liars you know that even though their lying hurts or destroys their relationship with others, they persist in their self-defeating behaviors.

    “To lie” is not a trait one wants because the end result is have no true friends and low self-esteem.  Friendship, love, spirituality, and a healthy marriage are impossible for persons who lie to each other.

    A problem the best of parents seems to have is to decide which lies are important and not important.  Live by the rule that all lies are important and unacceptable.

    Even if we live in an age where lying under certain circumstances is seen as acceptable, let your home be a place where honesty thrives and grows so your children can be models of honesty for themselves and their peers.

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    Maximize Successes by Minimizing Time Spent on Past Failure

    Question

     Dr.Braccio:  My seventeen year old daughter always seems to focus silifke escort ilanları on negatives.  She never thinks things will work out positively for her.  In spite of her many successes, she interviews for jobs badly and always feels proven right when she does not get the job or what she wants.  I also do this to some degree.  How can I help her?

     Answer

     Your daughter’s negative thoughts lead to a defeatist self-fulfilling prophecy where she fails because she is convinced she will.  Even though self-evident when you think about it, she highlights how outlooks shape what we achieve in life.  For example, one does not become a business leader by not wanting to work long hours or try to motivate and inspire other persons.

     I like to use the analogy of a bookcase with many books that encompasses all of one’s life.  Negative persons only read and reread the one book of all their failures in life.  Their successes in the many other books are ignored or minimized.  This appears to be what your daughter is doing.  It must stop now.

     The following are some suggestions to help your daughter be more positive.  It appears these suggestions could help you too.

     1.  Sensitively and directly tell your daughter her negative beliefs are creating her negative reality.  2.  Help her develop positive outlooks by use of a positive affirmation for every negative one she has.

    Examples would be as follows:   Negative – “I am a dummy and will never get anywhere in life”.  Positive – “I am intelligent and can realistically be what I want to be”.  Negative – “Things will turn out badly for me”.  Positive – “Things will turn out good for me because I plan and work hard”.   Negative – “I will never get the job because I interview so badly”.  Positive – “I will get the job by being positive and showing in the interview how much I want the job and what I can do”.  Negative – “I must focus on my failures to be a realist about my poor changes for success”.  Positive – “I must be positive and focus on my successes as I work hard to add new ones to the growing list”.   Negative – “I’m negative!”  Positive – “I’m positive!”   Negative – “Success is based on luck”.   Positive – ““Success is generally based on consistently good decisions over a period of time”.   Negative.  “I’m a loser!”   Positive – “I’m a winner!”

    We are what we think.  Our actions reflect our belief structure.  Your daughter thinks negatively in spite of what you call her “many successes”.  Help her focus on her successes as she works hard to add more to the list.

    Even though it will be hard to change her long ingrained negative beliefs, help her by following the suggestions above.  The “new her” will help her to see her successes as natural and normal.

     You might even try to change with your daughter in a joint project.  It would be not only be helpful but great fun.

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    Great-Nephew Needs Unconditional Love

    Question

    Dr.Braccio:  Our 13 year old karatay bayan arkadaş great nephew has moved in with us from Illinois.  Our children are grown and out of the area.  He’s lost his parents and we’re his only family.  We didn’t know him well but took him in because we wanted to and there was no one else.  We could not bear to have him in foster care.  He’s a good boy but very shy.  The problem is that he’s almost too obedient to our wishes.  We’ve told him to feel comfortable with us but it’s like he’s afraid if he gets us upset we’ll make him leave.  He keeps saying he wants to do everything right and never be a bother to us.  What should we do?

     Answer

    Keep doing what you are doing.  He needs your unconditional love as the basis for him to develop a solid sense of security in your home.  He has obviously been through a lot.  When you consider he has lost his parents, left the city where he lived, lives with family he does not know well, obviously has never developed a solid base of security, and knows he lives with you due to your kindness, he probably is worried if he gets you upset or is “a bother to” you that you will make him leave.  That would be consistent with the type of rejection and loss he has apparently had in his life.

     The following are some things you can do to build his base of security with you:

    1  Have regular family discussions where you begin to develop the type of open communication you need.  He needs to know there is unconditional love in the home.

    2.  Do casual things like car rides, going to the movies, getting a pizza, etc. to simply have relaxing times together to develop a sense of loving family.  This can help open him up emotionally in a low key way.  Church and community activities could also be helpful.

    3.  Clearly identify what you find unacceptable and desired behaviors so there is no confusion on his part.

    4.  Give him applause and approval when he does what you feel is appropriate.

    5.  Reinforce to him that you took him into your home because you wanted to, that you plan to keep him, that you want him to feel secure, and most importantly, that you love him.

    6.  Let him know what you expect of him and that your standards are that he try to meet them rather than do “everything right” and “never be a bother”.  That attitude will only lead to anxiety and guilt.

    7.  Firmly and gently correct him when he does what you do not approve of but let him know you still love him and want him to live with you.  It does not appear he will ever be a major problem in the home.

    8.  Talk to the school counselor and let him/her know his circumstances.  Hopefully, there is some group with whom he could become involved.

    9.  Ask the counselor to seek out school and even community activities your great nephew can become involved in if he is not already.  His involvement with the counselor in a counseling relationship could also be helpful.

    10.  An experienced therapist in the community also might be helpful for him; and maybe for all of you.

     I personally think you two need to be commended for taking him into your home.  This shows love, a strong sense of family, and a desire to place the needs of someone in need ahead of your own.  In this too often “me first” age, it is very refreshing.  I feel your great nephew will do just fine in your home.  He seems like a fine young man.

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    Husband’s OK Isn’t Essential

    Question

    Dr.Braccio:  I’m actually both hurt and escort mersin angry with my husband.  I can retire in four months and want to.  I’m worn out physically and mentally.  He can’t retire for four years and wants me to continue working.  He says we can save more money and retire at the same time.  When I told him we have enough money and I’m worn out, he yelled, “I’m worn out too but have to work and so should you”.  I’ve backed off but want to retire.  Our daughter feels he’s silly and jealous because I can retire and he can’t.  Our pastor, who has a lot of influence over him, says to be patient and hopefully he’ll change his mind.  He said he’ll help out if his views don’t change.  What do you think?

     Answer

    I agree you have the right to retire if you feel this is the time.  With that said, it would be helpful to the marriage if you two were in some type of agreement about your retirement.  However, under these circumstances, you need his understanding and not his permission.

    The problem is how to resolve this matter.  Ideally, your husband will think about it and come to the reasonable conclusion retirement is a good choice for you.  To continue working if you do not have to when you are “worn out physically and mentally” defies common sense.  It also puts you at needless risk for various physical and emotional problems.  For him to desire this for you reflects a lack of love and sensitivity for your needs.  For you to go along with him and continue working would give you such great anger and needless frustration.

    Without sounding harsh, there does appear to be an unfair quality to his desire that you continue working because he must.  That is like saying because you wear glasse, that he must wear them too.

    Even though it will be a hard decision for you because of his outlook, to retire when you can seems like the right thing to do.  To risk your emotional and physical health when you do not have to is not reasonable.  Your husband needs to accept this.

    If he will not change, you may find your pastor because of his influence, has the best opportunity to soften his heart.  Discussion and prayer can hopefully help solve the problem.

    Hopefully your husband will see what he asks of you is unfair, unreasonable and even selfish on his part.  If he does not change his mind and the pastor cannot help, you will retire knowing you did what was necessary and he will be angry and upset.  If so, he will need to cope with it and eventually get over it.  This may be one of those times when agreement is not possible.

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    Don’t Be Fenced In By Others’ Expectations

     Question

     Dr.Braccio:  I recently returned to the area after earning a graduate degree and getting a very bayan escort mersin good job.  My problem is an odd one.  I’ve found a women full of love and very loving whom I’ve been dating that I’ve fallen in love with.  The problem is my family and two best friends are advising me not to be with her.  She has two small children, is divorced and is just in her first year of college.  They say I could do much better and it’s silly to take on the burden of the two children.  The problem is I love the children and love her.  I also know they love and need me.  Together, we’re special.  They treat me wonderfully.  Even though I think it is difficult for the children, I feel it’s positive for me that the father has no involvement and doesn’t even live in Michigan while my family and friends feel this just puts more pressure on me.  I see it as a opportunity to help these wonderful children that the father has foolishly disowned.  What do you think?  Marriage may be in our future.  We’re talking about it.  I’m so confused.

     Answer

     The critics have some valid complaints for you to consider.  You have worked hard to get a graduate degree and get the good job you now have.  Ideally, it might be a good idea to find a woman in the same situation who is single with no children.

     The problem is that love is not always logical.  You also love her two children.  As you say, “together, we’re special”.  This is significant and important.  Not only are you meeting your own love and emotional needs, but you also are fulfilling the same needs in the mother and the children.  You will have an instant family with a lot of love.  Even if a lot of responsibility, that can be very wonderful and more than many ever have in life.

     I would encourage you to open your eyes wide and make sure you know the responsibilities you are taking on with not just the mother but the two children.  If after doing that you still want to be with them, then continue with enthusiasm.  Based upon what you are saying, you have done this and love her and the children.  Give credence to your feelings and do not deny them.

     If after soul searching you are still convinced you love her and the children and want to marry her and she agrees, then do it and be proud.  That you know you are loved and needed is wonderful.  Many persons never have those needs fulfilled because sadly they often do not act when the opportunity arrives.

     If you become convinced you are going to marry this person you love, you can just do it and that is that.  You also can meet with your family and friends and let them know how you feel and what you are going to do.  Even though you do not need to, you can explain how you feel and ask for their support.  Hopefully they will all support you out of respect for your feelings.  If they do not, be ready to do what you feel you must do and not worry about approval.

     If you follow your heart and your relationship ends in marriage, then your new primary priorities will be you, your future wife and the children.  It could be a great and rewarding life.