Tag: trust

    WHAT A SPOUSE MUST DO WHO HAS HAD AN EXTRAMARITAL AFFAIR TO TRY TO SAVE THE MARRIAGE.

    Due to the immense pain experienced by the spouse who has been forced to recognize their spouse has been unfaithful,it is not surprising it is so difficult for the love and trust to be rekindled. I again want to emphasize how difficult it is for both persons to effectively overcome the betrayal. The following are some suggested actions that predictably are needed to be implemented by the betraying spouse to ever hope to be able to return to a loving relationship:  1.Absolute termination of the affair with proof presented as needed. 2.Genuine remorse. 3.Honesty. Answer all questions over and over again as necessary. 4.Patience, patience and even more patience. It will take a long time and you must expect much anger and hurt directed to you. 5. Take responsibility. You did it! 6. Control your anger. You caused the problems you are having and must deal with the consequences. 7. Become an active listener to try to fully understand the emotional hurt and pain you have caused…These are very difficult things for an individual to do and sadly the result is often failure or both spouses living in a very unhappy or mediocre marriage. You absolutely do not want either of those results. The above suggested actions are necessary if you desire to return to a loving and caring relationship. For emphasis, the damage is sadly often such that the marriage cannot be saved. It also is true that even in relationships that are saved, the passion, understanding, intimacy, loving, and general happiness are often never again fully achieved. With that said, you can be successful in rekindling your relationship if both spouses desire a loving marriage to continue and total honesty and sincere remorse are fully demonstrated to the betrayed spouse.

     

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    STAGES OF SUCCESSFUL AND UNSUCCESSFUL MARRIAGES/RELATIONSHIPS

    I have done couples therapy since the seventies. Names and faces have changed,but the stages of successful and unsuccessful marriages have not. Stage one is the period the partners fall in love and commit to each other for a lifetime. This is generally an exciting and loving time where each finds the best in each other and each shows their best sides. Stage two is when each realizes the differences they have that cause friction and recognize the need to clearly define them and learn to compromise and overcome them. Stage three reflects how successful they have been in resolving their differences in a way their love matures and lasts a lifetime. If this does not occur,the relationship at best will be very difficult for each of them. At worst,the relationship will end in divorce with feelings of anger,rage,frustration,indifference,distrust,betrayal or some combination of them. 

     

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