Question
Dr.Braccio: Our 13 year old karatay bayan arkadaş great nephew has moved in with us from Illinois. Our children are grown and out of the area. He’s lost his parents and we’re his only family. We didn’t know him well but took him in because we wanted to and there was no one else. We could not bear to have him in foster care. He’s a good boy but very shy. The problem is that he’s almost too obedient to our wishes. We’ve told him to feel comfortable with us but it’s like he’s afraid if he gets us upset we’ll make him leave. He keeps saying he wants to do everything right and never be a bother to us. What should we do?
Answer
Keep doing what you are doing. He needs your unconditional love as the basis for him to develop a solid sense of security in your home. He has obviously been through a lot. When you consider he has lost his parents, left the city where he lived, lives with family he does not know well, obviously has never developed a solid base of security, and knows he lives with you due to your kindness, he probably is worried if he gets you upset or is “a bother to” you that you will make him leave. That would be consistent with the type of rejection and loss he has apparently had in his life.
The following are some things you can do to build his base of security with you:
1 Have regular family discussions where you begin to develop the type of open communication you need. He needs to know there is unconditional love in the home.
2. Do casual things like car rides, going to the movies, getting a pizza, etc. to simply have relaxing times together to develop a sense of loving family. This can help open him up emotionally in a low key way. Church and community activities could also be helpful.
3. Clearly identify what you find unacceptable and desired behaviors so there is no confusion on his part.
4. Give him applause and approval when he does what you feel is appropriate.
5. Reinforce to him that you took him into your home because you wanted to, that you plan to keep him, that you want him to feel secure, and most importantly, that you love him.
6. Let him know what you expect of him and that your standards are that he try to meet them rather than do “everything right” and “never be a bother”. That attitude will only lead to anxiety and guilt.
7. Firmly and gently correct him when he does what you do not approve of but let him know you still love him and want him to live with you. It does not appear he will ever be a major problem in the home.
8. Talk to the school counselor and let him/her know his circumstances. Hopefully, there is some group with whom he could become involved.
9. Ask the counselor to seek out school and even community activities your great nephew can become involved in if he is not already. His involvement with the counselor in a counseling relationship could also be helpful.
10. An experienced therapist in the community also might be helpful for him; and maybe for all of you.
I personally think you two need to be commended for taking him into your home. This shows love, a strong sense of family, and a desire to place the needs of someone in need ahead of your own. In this too often “me first” age, it is very refreshing. I feel your great nephew will do just fine in your home. He seems like a fine young man.