Category: Blog

Question

Dr.Braccio:  My seven karatay bayan escort year old son is afraid of anything new.  He wants everything very predictable.  He’s loving but gets very tense and upset if we want to do something new or even if I change our routine.  His first grade teacher says I need to teach him to explore new things and that he cannot be fearful of everything.  She says he’s always near her and seems to worry about everything.  I feel bad about this.  What’s the problem?  What can I do?  I’m a worrier too and have seen this in him as normal.  I know how bad this had been for me and I need to help him be different.

Answer

Your son is very fearful.  Fear is reasonable when there is danger and the body prepares itself for battle in the famous adrenalin driven “fight or flight” response to fear or danger.  In the case of your son, even if he has a biological tendency, the fears in him are learned behaviors.  He must learn when fear is appropriate and when it is not.  You need to teach him this.  This can best be done by changing yourself in the process.

It appears he has picked up your behaviors as you have modeled them.  It is the same as the way we pick up the language we speak or the English accent we pronounce.  Do not feel guilty for this.  You did not plan this problem for either of you and now is the time to make changes in both yourself and your son.  See it as an exciting “voyage” to make both of your lives happier and less stressful.

The following are some helpful things you can do:

1.  Explain to him over and over again that he must accept reasonable changes in life.  That change is the normal process and not something to fear.  It can be stressful, but change can make life exciting and an exploration of constantly new things.  Be kind but firm when doing this.

2.  Address each fear he has by talking to him as be expresses it and try to talk him out of it and help him successfully live the experience.  Gradually, he will do it himself.

3.  Constantly encourage him to try new things with “at a boy” statements.

4.  Even though he is young, explain at a seven year old level how you have been fearful and how it has caused you pain.  Let him know you will help him be less fearful and try the same with yourself.  Make it a team effort.

Question

Dr.Braccio:     I’m sick of my need for approval from everyone for all karatay escort I do.  It goes all the way back as far as I can remember.  Even though I never quit trying, I could never do things quite right for my parents.  There was always the fatal flaw.  My husband tells me to do what I feel comfortable with and not worry about what others think, but I want my parents, my husband, my young children, neighbors, co-workers and family to like me and approve of what I do.  I want to change but genuinely believe I must please people.  My husband has me worried I’ll pass this trait on to our two young children.  What should I do?  I’m wearing me and my husband out.

Answer

You need to quit seeking approval from others and seek it from within you.  Be kind and loving of yourself.  Accept and cherish you as the wonderful and caring person you are.  Even though they hopefully did not intend it, when your parents always found fault with you and you kept trying to please them, you became programmed to think what you did was wrong and you needed to get approval.  Sadly, you could never get it.  At best, it was a fleeting approval that you always worried would be pulled away from you when the “fatal flaw” was unveiled.  You have expanded this belief to many more people at this stage of your life.

At present, you have lost perspective on what are reasonable expectations for you and others in your interactions.  Even though it will be hard for you to change a lifetime of ingrained behaviors, you must do it.  Set a reasonable standard for you and not worry what others think.  You need freedom from your emotional prison of false needs for approval.  A caution is that people you have trained to treat you this way may not like the new you.  You must stand up to them and even drop them if they desire to control you emotionally.

Your inappropriate approval places you at the back of the bus in interactions with others and the end result is lowered self-esteem for you.  You basically say what you think is good and important only if validated by those who approve your actions.  You have no control over your feelings or priorities.

You want to be a good example for your children to best help them develop positive self-esteem. They cannot do this if they pick up your bad habits.  Use your voyage to change yourself as also having the goal of helping your children to develop their own personalities through good individual choices not developed by the fickle winds of the opinions of others.

Begin the change in you by talking to your husband and working out a plan to make you feel much better emotionally by taking control of your feelings, actions and decisions.  A pastor and/or therapist experienced in helping change persons in your situation could be supportive.  Be advised that the road to change will be difficult to navigate.  You need to never lose sight of your overall goal of good self-esteem and more control of yourself and how you feel.

Any questions or comments would be appreciated.

Question

Dr.Braccio:  I’m feeling very badly about how my husband and I have anamur bayan escort treated our son over the years.  Even though often frustrating, he’s well liked and a good hearted boy.  He’s 15 and has just recently been diagnosed with AD/HD.  We’ve always been so critical of him.  We always thought his being hyper and inattentive were the result of bad choices and a lack of self-control.  We now know we were unfair.  Our relationship with him has not been good and we feel bad about that.  We see how much better he’s doing with medication and trying new strategies to compensate for his AD/HD through awareness of his problem.  He’s reacting to us positively and seems happy with our contrite and more understanding attitude.  What do you think about this and what should we do?

 Answer

Even though late, it is fortunate you have found out about his AD/HD.  You now can begin to have a far better relationship armed with knowledge of his disorder.

It is never too late to discuss this issue honestly and sincerely with your son.  As parents, you obviously operated with the best information you had at the time.  It was inadequate, but now you have appropriate information and can make new choices on how you relate to one another.

It would be very healing for you and him to admit your responsibility for your parenting choices and how they became hurtful to him.  Even if your knowledge was faulty and you meant the best for him, it would be a significant gesture to apologize for your own inadvertent inattention to his needs.

That he is “reacting to you positively” shows the parental child relationship is still positive among the three of you.  In that he is a “good hearted boy” and has not developed acting out or socially inappropriate behaviors is a tribute to your parenting and him as a person.

Reaffirm to him that you are doing your best to change your perceptions, attitudes, and behaviors. Ask him to offer you that same courtesy.  This is a terrific opportunity for healing and positive transformation of your relationship.

The new relationships based on the new awareness and changes in him brought about by the medication, trying new compensation strategies for his AD/HD, his new outlook, and your new outlook may be difficult for all of you to assimilate for a while.  Do not be afraid.  Try to cement a new relationship and see it as a wondrous new opportunity for all of you.  The old relationship was based on faulty assumptions that led to misunderstandings and resulting poor relationships.

Question

JHB

Dr.Braccio:  My husband and I were talking about what we now konya merkez bayan arkadaş accept as our lifelong obsession with security.  Our parents, who were from the Great Depression Era, raised us this way.  We’ve always been cautious and have secure governmental jobs.  My husband did not play sports in high school out of fear he might get hurt and I always have been in the background so as not to be noticed.  Our older children are the same and both have relatively secure jobs.  Our unexpected thirteen year old, fifteen years younger than his sister and seventeen years younger than his brother, is a risk taker and has already worn us out with worry. He plays football, baseball and any other sport he can.  While we worry, we do realize he thrives on competition and seems to be happy, even if intense much of the time.  Unexpectedly, he has taught us that life offers more than security.  Even our older children, who also follow his athletic career, are amazed by him and how different he is from us.  We all follow his athletic career.  Even though late, how can we get more zip in our life and how can we not worry so much about him?

Answer

You have big questions.  To begin with, you have had successful lives and have eliminated much risk.  To have security in this unpredictable world is positive.  Your influence over your two older children is obvious because they are like you.  Your youngest son clearly beats to his own drum, and his drum beats to one of excitement and challenge.  With him around, this can be a good time to change and “get more zip” in your life.

An important thing to remember is that thinkers from Julius Caesar to modern day guru Dr. Wayne Dyer have said fear of the unknown causes more fear than what we can see.  To seek out the unknown and meet new challenges can be exhilarating if fear of the unknown does not stop us from trying new things.

In your own situation, look at life from a probability perspective.  For example, to spend money to buy a modest cottage may be a risk, but look at your financial situation and job security.  It would appear that after such a review, you would determine to buy the cottage if you so desired.  On the other hand, to quit your jobs and go to California to seek a more exciting 1960s life would not make sense without a lot of planning.

It is positive you are not seeing your son as “wrong” and trying to stifle his thriving on “competition” and being happy with the life he is living.  This is a compliment to the parenting of both of you.  While you need to teach him how to be stable, effective and balanced, his competitive life is positive for him and try to learn from him.  Recognize there are risks in what he does, but the positive excitement and achievement make them acceptable.  This outlook can reduce your worrying.

Enjoy his life with him and “go with the flow”.  This may be difficult after so many years of “Depression Era” thinking.  The key thing is to relax and get some excitement through some uncertainty that can keep the blood flowing.  Remember the excitement in the voice of Captain Kirk of Star Trek when he said he would “go where no man has gone before”.  Even if you are not ready to become Captain Kirk, go places emotionally and physically where you have not been before and you will “get more zip in you life.”  The unique factor is that your son can be your guide!

Any questions or comments would be appreciated!

Question

Dr.Braccio:  My nine and eleven konya merkez escort year old children are being very mean and unfair to me.  Their father and I divorced eight years ago.  He began dating even before we separated and the kids never complained.  For the first time, I have met a kind man at our church through our minister and am dating him.  He has no children and is very nice to my children.  They treat him horribly, do not want me to date him, and to add insult to injury, their father, who philandered on me, agrees with them and says I should date no one and just look after them!  I had it out with him and he’s threatening to quit seeing the kids even though he only spends a few days a month with them anyway.  What should I do?  I’m hurt, angry, and frustrated.

Answer

That your children do not want you to date and want you to themselves is common. That your ex-spouse has involved himself negatively and threatens not to see the children if you continue dating is outrageous and reflects horribly on his character.

There is a need for a balance between your needs and those of your children.  If your ex-spouse chooses not to see them if you date is inappropriate behavior on his part and your children will figure this out.

You can explain to your children why you will date and your life cannot be determined by his whims.  He apparently is trying to punish you or is not willing to fully let you go.  Either way, whether you date or not is none of his business unless you are being destructive to the children and you are not.  He has been destructive to them and his new threat, if carried out, would tragically be more of the same.

You need to sit down with your children and let them know you do not love them less because you need companionship and love from an adult partner.  Even if hard for them to accept, they must because this is the fair thing to do and part of their growing up.

Be sensitive when you talk to them but do not allow their unreasonableness to destroy your possibility for happiness.  Even though it may be hard for them to understand and accept in the short run, help them separate their reasonable fear of change from what is unreasonable.

To enlist the support of your minister could be very helpful because you met at the church, he knows both of you and you went out with him “through the minister”.  For him to lead the family in prayer could also be helpful.

An outside therapist trained in such a common but very delicate situation as yours could also be helpful.  You can also call the school counselor of each, if different, and enlist their support in this situation.

 Question

Dr.Braccio:  Our eight konya merkez escort year old son is having problems dealing with anger and frustration.  He’s blowing up and sulking if he does not get his way or is stymied in something he wants to do.  This is a relatively new problem.  It does not happen all the time, but enough to cause us concern.  He gets confused and blows up.  We have backed off to some degree because he had to get angry to defend himself from a fifteen year old cousin who lived with us for four months during an illness of my sister and his mother.  We weren’t aware that he was bullying him when we were not around until shortly before he left.  Even though his cousin in gone, he now shows us the anger he developed as a defense while frustrated by his cousin when bullied.  What should we do?

 Answer

Sit down and talk to your son in a kind and reassuring way.  Talk to him at a level he can understand.  Tell him you feel bad his cousin bullied him and that he did not deserve it.  He needs to know his reaction in the bullying situation is not acceptable now.  He is old enough to understand this.  Let him know you let him continue with these inappropriate behaviors because you felt bad about how he was treated but that is over.  Let him know it is wrong for you as parents to not teach him appropriate reactions to problems and frustrating events.  He also must know he cannot always have his own way.  Perhaps it is appropriate for you to apologize for not being more aware of the situation that led to his experiences of being victimized by his cousin.

Even though you did not mention it, and hopefully this has already occurred, you need to make sure your son knows you have talked to his cousin and let him know he will not be welcome in your home if he again bullies your son.  He also needs to apologize to your son for what he did.  If he will not, then he can never return to your home until he does.  I’m sure your sister, if she has not already, would help this to happen.

Your son needs to learn how to express his frustration in a healthy way.  You may need to teach him to use words like frustrated, hurt, angry, etc. in statements to get his feelings out.  You then can talk to him to get his feelings appropriately expressed and come up with strategies to help him adapt.  These conversations need to occur when he feels calm and in control.  It is then you can role-play or play-act scenarios to practice these preferred behaviors.

Also of tremendous importance is to adapt a very willing and open stance to accommodate his legitimate frustrations and feelings, allowing him room to understand that they are expressions of how he feels, but they do not make him an unworthy person of your love, security and positive regard.  Separating his reactive feelings from his self-identify can help him understand his feelings and make better behavior choices.  The key goal is for him to express his feelings in an appropriate and healthy manner.

Any questions or comments would be appreciated.

Question

Dr.Braccio:  My husband and I have been leading a pleasant retirement life mersin anamur escort bayanları for the past six years.  Our four children and their families who live in the community are doing well.  The concern is that our oldest daughter, who has caused us great heartache, wants to return to Michigan to start anew and to mend bridges with her siblings and us after leaving thirteen years ago with one child in her arms and pregnant.  We have kept in touch and see them a few times a year.  She has 12, 13 and 14 year old children by three different fathers who have no involvement with the children.  She now wants to move in and live with us while she gets back on her feet here and she actually has a job waiting for her.  We really want to help but fear she will never leave or only leave if we have a big fight.  My husband is more positive than I am.  Our other children are either neutral or tell us to never do it.  She seems different now and wants to put her life in order.  Her children, even though a little rough around the edges, are good children and want to be with us.  We really want to help out but she has a history of failing on commitments.  The difference is that she now seems to really be trying.  We also feel guilt for whatever reason.  My brother and his wife say we would be better to help her out with an apartment or a house rental for a while.  We could easily do that.  What should we do?  We’re afraid of making a big mistake.

Answer

Only you can decide what to do.  That she is reaching out is positive.  That she seems to be changing and wants to come back home and be with her family is positive.  She may be maturing and wanting to put her life in order.  If you can help her to this end, it would be wonderful for her, the children, both of you and the whole family.

Based on her previous behaviors, you need to be cautious and not let your heart make a decision without using your head.  This could easily lead to a giant blow up in your home that would set all relationships back a long ways and would be destructive to the children.

Do not make a decision based on guilt.  The end result will most likely be resentment.  If you help her, let it be because you want to and feel it will be helpful and the right thing to do.  You also need to know you really do not know them well and you need time to get to know each other on an ongoing basis.

If you can handle the finances, your brother and sister-in-law make lot of sense when they suggest you help her rent an apartment or house for say six months.  It would take all the pressure off you and the odds of a blowup is greatly reduced.  You would all be able to get adjusted to each other with separate living quarters.

Question

Dr.Braccio:  Our 13 year old son karatay olgun bayan is just a plain tease.  He loves to kid people, tell jokes and be the center of attention.  He’s a leader.  Our concern is that he can be very annoying.  At times, he doesn’t know when to stop and can be offensive to family and friends.  The problem is that people usually love him and it’s hard to get him to change.  What should we do?  We don’t want to put him down too much and stop his spontaneity.

Answer

Teasing ranges from playful fun to hurtful words, gestures, and actions.  Your son seems to be playful, witty, and fun.  The problem is that he can be offensive, annoying, and not know when to stop teasing.  He needs coaching from both of you as to what is appropriate and inappropriate teasing.

To thrive on interaction with people is wonderful for him and others when it is a positive exchange.  He needs to find other ways to fulfill his social needs besides teasing to create a better balance in his human environment.  For example, encourage him to do compassionate work for others to fill his need for up-front human interaction in an environment where negative teasing would have no place.

His personality can get him far in life.  People like to be around clever, witty, and fun loving people.  Applaud and further develop those traits.  You clearly do not want to stifle his obvious uniqueness and spontaneity.  However, do not underestimate the inappropriateness of his teasing when he offends others or the toll it will take on future friendships and relationships.  People tire quickly of the tease who annoys, offends, and does not know when to stop.

The following are some suggestions to eliminate the negative aspects of his teasing:

1.  Have regular family meetings to discuss the negative results of being annoying, offensive, and not knowing when to stop teasing.

2.  Make sure the negative aspects of his teasing are not due to some combination of hidden anger, hostility, and low self-esteem that he expresses as a passive-aggressive form of humor.

3.  Have him keep track of when people find him annoying and offensive, and then help him correct his teasing in similar future situations.

Question 

Dr.Braccio:  My seventeen year old karatay kadın escort son is strongly influenced by a person he thinks is a friend but is someone who always lets him down.  This is said even though he’s always friendly to his face.  He says he’s coming over and doesn’t show up.  I’ve warned him about him and he seems to even agree with me when he has hurt him.  But then he’s back again with him.  The thing that pushed me to contact you was when he lied to get him in trouble at school with some of his friends.  He gained nothing but hurt my son and his relationships.  Even though the principal told him and me what was said, he has trouble not believing his friend when he says he didn’t say it.  When at my suggestion he asked him to go and meet with the principal, the boy said he didn’t want to meet with the principal under any circumstances and they’re again back together.  What’s wrong and what should I do?

Answer

It seems your son values this friendship to the point he is blind to what is happening.  It is clearly a case of low self-esteem.  He values the “false friendship” over respect for himself.  This is more common than you would think at his age.  Do not bank on it, but in all probability he will eventually tire of this relationship and move on.  It would then be a building block on what not to accept in a friendship.

Even though you have not been successful to date, you need to reinforce to him how bad this person is for his self-esteem and that he will continue to hurt him as long as he chooses to be with him.  Even if he gets upset, to say something when he is hurt and obviously not being treated unfairly is good parenting.  To discuss the situation whenever he is willing is also good parenting.

The fact he would lie about your son for no apparent motive and thus hurt his relationship with others shows the mischief this person is capable of doing.  He simply lies to cause trouble for your son, even if he apparently gains nothing from it.  Even though his only motive may be to bother your son and feel powerful, there very well could be some jealousy or anger he has for your son that is not seen.

The apparent lack of motive with someone who is “always friendly to his face” makes it hard for your son to end the friendship.  That someone can be such a bad friend and lie so easily is alarming.  That he continues to hone his skills on your son is not only painful to him but he could get in major trouble if this boy succeeds in lying about a serious problem such as stealing, drug use, drug manufacturing, sexuality, or drug trafficking in the future.

Question

Dr.Braccio:  My seventeen konya merkez kadın numaraları year old daughter is having a hard time emotionally.  Her father died in a car accident when I was pregnant with her.  He was speeding and ran into a tree.  Her stepfather adopted her when we married and she was three years old.  They love each other and he treats her like his daughter.  Even though it never bothered her before, she feels bad she looks nothing like her two brothers and sister and does not have their superior academic skills.  That she is far more outgoing and popular does not make her feel better.  She is very pretty, popular, athletic and is an above average student.  For some reason, she has only recently been focusing on this.  I’ve not said much about her father to her and she never seemed to be very interested.  He was basically good but immature. He said he was treated very poorly when growing up.  He was very handsome and athletic but had little or no motivation for work or school.  We loved each other but were both very young and foolish.  I actually matured and grew up a lot while raising her before I married.  I’ve been trying to talk to her but do not know what to say.  He was not from Michigan.  When we met, he was not talking to anyone and I have never met anyone from his side.  What should I say to her?

Answer

The concerns of your daughter are reasonable and occur quite naturally in many persons in her circumstances.  That they are occurring at the age of seventeen is not usual or unusual.  People can wonder about their heritage when young, old or sometimes never.  This just happens to be the time for her.  You can talk to her and ask her why this is important to her now as a way to break the ice.  Be open and non-threatening to get an honest answer and guarantee good follow up discussion.

You can tell your daughter about her birth father and also about yourself when you two were together.  She is old enough for open and honest discussion.  It sounds like you two were immature, in love, and she is the wonderful product of the relationship.  You can be positive and say he probably would have matured as you have.  He apparently had some good traits that have been passed to your daughter.  That she is doing well in your home environment is positive and apparently different from how he grew up.  Her motivation to do well is a tribute to your maturity and good parenting.

You might consider making contact with his family or helping her do this now or in the future if she desires.  This is said even though it could lead to disappointment.  She needs to know this possible negative outcome to cushion any possible hurt or frustration.

The fact the children have different academic skills could be genetic or it also could relate to different skills and interests that come to children even with the same parents.  It also appears she may have developed her social skills more as they have developed their academic skills.  The key thing is for her to look at her wonderful self and not compare herself with others.  From what you say, she need not take a back seat to anyone.

Any questions or comments would be appreciated.

Question

Dr.Braccio:  Our eight year mersineskort old daughter isn’t realistic.  She always thinks she’s right and gets everyone mad at her.  Teachers find her annoying and she can’t keep friends her own age.  What can we do?  My husband is ready to pull out what little hair he has left and I’m at a loss.  We’ve always tried to build her up emotionally and do not want to change that.

 Answer

 You need to begin by letting her know she must change her attitude and behaviors.  Let her know you love her and want her to love herself; however, she must learn that she is not always right and needs to respect others and their views.  She needs to live by the wise golden rule, “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you”.

It is possible in trying to “build her up” that you have gone too far and innocently have helped cause the current ongoing problem.  Whether that is true or not, the key is not to focus on what you may have done wrong, but to change the attitude, negative behaviors, and resulting bad relationships of your daughter.  The task will be difficult but you must do it for your daughter’s sake.

The following are some suggestions to help you:

1.  You and your husband need to determine what is acceptable give and take behavior.

2.  Accept you will better enhance her self-image by insisting she be realistic and accept when she is wrong and learn how to get along with others and be a good friend.  These are skills that need to be developed.

3.  When she is wrong and argues she is right, do not argue back and forth with her and become like her brother or sister.  Let her know when she is wrong, explain it to her and leave it alone.

4.  Discipline her with a consequence she is aware will occur if she continues to argue even after you have told her she is wrong about something and explained why.

5.  You and your husband both need to model the kinds of sharing and conciliatory behaviors you desire in your daughter.  Never underestimate the power of positive modeling in shaping attitudes and behaviors.