Question
Dr.Braccio: I’m sick of my need for approval from everyone for all karatay escort I do. It goes all the way back as far as I can remember. Even though I never quit trying, I could never do things quite right for my parents. There was always the fatal flaw. My husband tells me to do what I feel comfortable with and not worry about what others think, but I want my parents, my husband, my young children, neighbors, co-workers and family to like me and approve of what I do. I want to change but genuinely believe I must please people. My husband has me worried I’ll pass this trait on to our two young children. What should I do? I’m wearing me and my husband out.
Answer
You need to quit seeking approval from others and seek it from within you. Be kind and loving of yourself. Accept and cherish you as the wonderful and caring person you are. Even though they hopefully did not intend it, when your parents always found fault with you and you kept trying to please them, you became programmed to think what you did was wrong and you needed to get approval. Sadly, you could never get it. At best, it was a fleeting approval that you always worried would be pulled away from you when the “fatal flaw” was unveiled. You have expanded this belief to many more people at this stage of your life.
At present, you have lost perspective on what are reasonable expectations for you and others in your interactions. Even though it will be hard for you to change a lifetime of ingrained behaviors, you must do it. Set a reasonable standard for you and not worry what others think. You need freedom from your emotional prison of false needs for approval. A caution is that people you have trained to treat you this way may not like the new you. You must stand up to them and even drop them if they desire to control you emotionally.
Your inappropriate approval places you at the back of the bus in interactions with others and the end result is lowered self-esteem for you. You basically say what you think is good and important only if validated by those who approve your actions. You have no control over your feelings or priorities.
You want to be a good example for your children to best help them develop positive self-esteem. They cannot do this if they pick up your bad habits. Use your voyage to change yourself as also having the goal of helping your children to develop their own personalities through good individual choices not developed by the fickle winds of the opinions of others.
Begin the change in you by talking to your husband and working out a plan to make you feel much better emotionally by taking control of your feelings, actions and decisions. A pastor and/or therapist experienced in helping change persons in your situation could be supportive. Be advised that the road to change will be difficult to navigate. You need to never lose sight of your overall goal of good self-esteem and more control of yourself and how you feel.
Any questions or comments would be appreciated.