Category: Blog

    Don’t Cave in to Parenting Pressure

    QuestionJHB Third Picture

    Dr.Braccio:  It seems being old fashioned about kocasinan escort bayan parenting is a flaw to many.  My husband and I live in a home filled with love where our 14 and 15 year old sons are to let us know what they are doing, where they are and with whom.  They have a curfew of 9:00 p.m. during the week and at midnight on weekends.  After discussion with them, exceptions are made for school events and reasons we find reasonable.  They also have chores we expect them to complete.  To be good students is expected.  Our kids go along with most of this.  The problem is with friends of theirs who put pressure on them to push us to change.  It amazes us that various parents of their friends feel we are too rigid and need to open up.  Two parents have actually told us this.  Most of their friends do not have curfews and few expectations at home.  What do you think?  Are we too rigid?

    Answer

    I do not think you are “too rigid”.  In a world loaded with teenage disrespect, drug abuse, inappropriate sexual conduct, parental abdication of responsibility, and family chaos in many homes, the consistency you offer is critical to their chances for success in life now and in the future.  Behaviors and outlooks during these years will predictably continue in adulthood.

    Parents must be consistent and fair in their parenting.  You appear to meet both standards.  That other parents and their children  think you are too strict is their opinion and nothing for you to worry about.  You also can find parents with far more restrictive curfews and rules than you have.  It is your responsibility to determine how to raise your children.

    Too often parents cave in to the opinions of their children or others on parenting.  This is the deceptively easy thing to do and reduces much pressure in the short term.  The problem is that your parental standards become inconsistent, will always be challenged, and the end result too often is to lose control over your children through ineffective parenting.

    An important aspect of parenting is to be flexible as a parent.  Rules that are written in stone and never can be discussed or adjusted can limit your options by not being able to make exceptions.  This does not appear to be a problem for you because you involve the children and do make exceptions for school events and other situations you feel are reasonable on an individual basis.  Their involvement in family expectations is always a good idea.

    Human beings need structure in their lives.  This is particularly true with children in their teenage years.  With all the social pressures and physical changes occurring, it is important that the home and family be a center of love and consistency.  Do not back off from offering your children what you believe they need.  Continue to be effective parents.

    When all is said and done, you need to parent in a manner you are comfortable.  Follow the dictates of your own heart and conscience.

    Make Amends With Late Husband’s Family

    QuestionJHB Third Picture

    Dr.Braccio:  My husband unexpectedly died six months mersin esc ago.  Up until then, and we had been married nine years and have two boys aged seven and eight, his parents, older children of my husband and the rest of his family had nothing to do with me.  We decided to move a thousand miles away.  In fairness, we had an affair while he was married and everyone turned against him and hated me.  I accept this was wrong.  Now, his first wife just died in a freak accident and his father, who is healthy but 85, called and asked if we would consider meeting and trying to start being a part of the family.  He candidly told me they loved my husband’s first wife and were enraged at him and me for breaking up the family.  He said they believed with both of them dead, it was time to move on.  I have mixed feelings.  They are a prominent and good family, but I worry about how they will treat us.  What do you think?

    Answer

    To be part of the family of your late husband would be good for your children.  Do not allow their past resentment, that had nothing to do with them, keep your children from their grandparents and other family members.  This is said with the assumption the resentment they have had for you does not carry over to your children.  If this were to occur, then it is best not to get together.

    If you do decide to let the past go and move on, do not let the fear of failure stop you.  Work on the assumption that past resentments can be overcome at least in relation to the grandchildren.  Your situation is far more complicated.  Obviously, their interest is in the grandchildren.  If you can accept this and you all try to start anew under these circumstances, then go for it.  The grandfather’s candor about the past and now the future is hopefully a good indication that good communication can occur.

    At the risk of offending you, I suggest you accept why they have been angry at you and that it has been reasonable for them to defend and identify with the victim of the philandering.

    You can begin by having some intensive phone conversations with the grandparents.  This may be painful, but the feelings and resentment need to come out prior to meeting.  Discussions must include how they will react to you and the children.

    When you feel comfortable, if you do, I suggest you have them visit you and spend a weekend.  Depending on how you feel, you can have them stay with you or a hotel.  Once you decide to see them, you will need to prepare the children.  Let them know they have family they do not know and they will be meeting them.  Children their age will most likely ask few questions and will look forward to meeting them.

    If the first meeting works out well, then you can decide how to integrate your children in with the rest of the family.  If, and there are a lot of ifs, you get this far, be aware family members will initially all treat you differently, from embracing you to being standoffish.  Accept that and be open to communication as is possible.  It will be surprising if the children were not loved and accepted.  If that is not true, then good parenting requires you to not allow them to be involved with persons who would hurt them.

    This family journey will be difficult.  The rewards for the children of being part of a larger family make the risks acceptable.  Go slowly and see what happens.  It also could atone for the anger your acts caused to the family of your late husband.  This could be a time of forgiveness and positive family growth for the whole family.

    Any questions or comments would be appreciated.

    Unhealthy Relationship Needs Work

    QuestionJHB Third Picture

    Dr.Braccio:  I’m feeling karatay olgun bayan very defeated.  I’m a first year graduate student but my mother still controls me through guilt!  Of the three sisters, I’m the only one who can‘t break away.  She’s broken up two relationships of mine by putting what I see now as false doubts in my mind.  She now wants me to call her all the time so she won’t worry about me.  My sisters, even if lovingly, laugh at me and tell me it’s time to break away.  I want to but it would so hurt her feelings.  I know she loves me and will do anything for me.  What can I do?  This is harder than people seem to think it is.

    ANSWER

    Let me begin by agreeing “this is harder that people seem to think it is”.  Guilt mixed with genuine love is what causes so much conflict among otherwise loving and caring family persons. However, do not confuse “love” for dependency!

    It is possible that your mother is undergoing a less-than-fortunate transition in her life.  One dynamic that could be affecting your relationship is the “empty-nest” syndrome.  The possibility of her losing her family parent/child patterns may feel very threatening to her.  This has clearly happened with your sisters.  That is her problem, not yours, unless you choose to continue as you are.

    Obviously, this is not a harmonious and growing relationship for you.  Of primary importance is that you are allowing fear to control you.  It is shown in your projections about what might happen if you follow your own path through life“…it would so hurt her feelings”.  As for yourself, if you don’t change this pattern, will you not feel unhealthy, unhappy and unfulfilled?  What kind of a price are you paying for your mismanagement of your feelings and respect towards yourself and your mother?

    It is critical for you to have the courage to enter into a sincere and honest dialog with your mother on this issue.  Do not compromise yourself.  Your mother is responsible for her feelings, not you. You have plenty of reasons to manage your emotional energies in a more wholesome way.  As you advance your growth in academic skills through your schooling, it is time to advance your emotional maturity through making loving choices to clearly establish and maintain your personal boundaries.  By all means, take every freedom to resist taking on any responsibilities for your mother’s feelings and resist feeling badly about your choice to become yourself.  This can lead to a much healthier relationship with your mother that will be far more fulfilling for both of you.  Even though difficult at first, I believe both of you will see this in the future.

    This transition from guilt and dependence to mature love and mutual respect will be very difficult for both of you.  Your mother cannot let you go and you cannot take your freedom.

    You must make good decisions for you.  Accept guilt is a useless emotion in this case and gradually, if not already, will lead to anger and tremendous resentment towards your mother.  A starting point would be to meet with your sisters to discuss this situation and hopefully set some direction.  If they cannot help you, a therapist experienced in such matters could be helpful.

    Any questions or comments would be appreciated.

    It’s Time to Start Acting Like A Parent

    QuestionJHB Third Picture

    Dr.Braccio:  My nine year old son knows silifke eskort ilanları how to push all my buttons.  He puts things off and always wants to do later what I want him to do now.  I talk to him, argue with him and plead with him to be more responsible for himself.  He fights with me, seems to give in and then does what he wants.  His brother and sister are not like this.  He’s generally good at school and definitely does whatever his “old school” father tells him to do.  His father tells me our son is the parent and is training me.  I try to be a balance to the hard line of my husband.  My mother laughs and agrees with him.  What do you think?  What should I do?

    Answer

    You need to take control of the parenting of your son.  In an odd way, your mother and husband are right.  He is basically training you to be upset at him all the time and he ends up doing what he wants.  You are like his battling sister rather than a mother.

    You have gone too far in trying to be a balance to his “old school” father.  For at least until you get back in control, you need to take up this approach.  You can listen to your son, but final decisions need to be yours.

    It is relatively common for one parent to balance out another parent when one is stern and the other is more easygoing.  Many times this arrangement results in well-adjusted children.  In your home, this appears to be happening with the exception of the relationship between you and your son.  Now is the time to get that relationship in a healthy parent-child mode.

    Begin by enlisting the support of your husband.  I predict he will be more than ready to help out.  Because the other two of your children do not behave this way with you, specifically address your concerns with him.  You and your husband can meet with him and say the game is over and you are now taking up your legitimate role as his mother.  Specifically spell out expectations and have consequences when he refuses to do what he needs to do.  For example, if he does not take the trash out by the time you set, then he will not be able to watch television or something else he wants that day.  The key is for you to be consistent and carry through with consequences.

    Always remember that your goal as a parent is to raise a responsible child who is respectful to his parents and others.  Your son is not that way with you.  Common sense and good parenting demand you end this problem situation now.  I am sure you will.

    Any questions or comments would be appreciated.

    Urge Fearful Child To Try New Things

    QuestionJHB Third Picture

    Dr.Braccio:  My seven karatay bayan escort year old son is afraid of anything new.  He wants everything very predictable.  He’s loving but gets very tense and upset if we want to do something new or even if I change our routine.  His first grade teacher says I need to teach him to explore new things and that he cannot be fearful of everything.  She says he’s always near her and seems to worry about everything.  I feel bad about this.  What’s the problem?  What can I do?  I’m a worrier too and have seen this in him as normal.  I know how bad this had been for me and I need to help him be different.

    Answer

    Your son is very fearful.  Fear is reasonable when there is danger and the body prepares itself for battle in the famous adrenalin driven “fight or flight” response to fear or danger.  In the case of your son, even if he has a biological tendency, the fears in him are learned behaviors.  He must learn when fear is appropriate and when it is not.  You need to teach him this.  This can best be done by changing yourself in the process.

    It appears he has picked up your behaviors as you have modeled them.  It is the same as the way we pick up the language we speak or the English accent we pronounce.  Do not feel guilty for this.  You did not plan this problem for either of you and now is the time to make changes in both yourself and your son.  See it as an exciting “voyage” to make both of your lives happier and less stressful.

    The following are some helpful things you can do:

    1.  Explain to him over and over again that he must accept reasonable changes in life.  That change is the normal process and not something to fear.  It can be stressful, but change can make life exciting and an exploration of constantly new things.  Be kind but firm when doing this.

    2.  Address each fear he has by talking to him as be expresses it and try to talk him out of it and help him successfully live the experience.  Gradually, he will do it himself.

    3.  Constantly encourage him to try new things with “at a boy” statements.

    4.  Even though he is young, explain at a seven year old level how you have been fearful and how it has caused you pain.  Let him know you will help him be less fearful and try the same with yourself.  Make it a team effort.

    5.  Successful experiences in overcoming fear will hopefully make him be less fearful and ready to try new things.  He needs you to guide him through these experiences that let him become less fearful.  The goal is simply for him to try new things and enjoy them.

    6.  Model a positive attitude when trying new things.  Together you both can see how exciting new experiences can be.

    Progress will predictably be slow.  Ingrained behaviors are slow to change.  Do not worry about this.  Do your best and keep at it.  Success will come and you and your son will be so much happier as you live less fearful lives.

    Any questions or comments would be appreciated.

    Free Yourself From Prison of Others’ Approval

    QuestionJHB Third Picture

    Dr.Braccio:     I’m sick of my need for approval from everyone for all karatay escort I do.  It goes all the way back as far as I can remember.  Even though I never quit trying, I could never do things quite right for my parents.  There was always the fatal flaw.  My husband tells me to do what I feel comfortable with and not worry about what others think, but I want my parents, my husband, my young children, neighbors, co-workers and family to like me and approve of what I do.  I want to change but genuinely believe I must please people.  My husband has me worried I’ll pass this trait on to our two young children.  What should I do?  I’m wearing me and my husband out.

    Answer

    You need to quit seeking approval from others and seek it from within you.  Be kind and loving of yourself.  Accept and cherish you as the wonderful and caring person you are.  Even though they hopefully did not intend it, when your parents always found fault with you and you kept trying to please them, you became programmed to think what you did was wrong and you needed to get approval.  Sadly, you could never get it.  At best, it was a fleeting approval that you always worried would be pulled away from you when the “fatal flaw” was unveiled.  You have expanded this belief to many more people at this stage of your life.

    At present, you have lost perspective on what are reasonable expectations for you and others in your interactions.  Even though it will be hard for you to change a lifetime of ingrained behaviors, you must do it.  Set a reasonable standard for you and not worry what others think.  You need freedom from your emotional prison of false needs for approval.  A caution is that people you have trained to treat you this way may not like the new you.  You must stand up to them and even drop them if they desire to control you emotionally.

    Your inappropriate approval places you at the back of the bus in interactions with others and the end result is lowered self-esteem for you.  You basically say what you think is good and important only if validated by those who approve your actions.  You have no control over your feelings or priorities.

    You want to be a good example for your children to best help them develop positive self-esteem. They cannot do this if they pick up your bad habits.  Use your voyage to change yourself as also having the goal of helping your children to develop their own personalities through good individual choices not developed by the fickle winds of the opinions of others.

    Begin the change in you by talking to your husband and working out a plan to make you feel much better emotionally by taking control of your feelings, actions and decisions.  A pastor and/or therapist experienced in helping change persons in your situation could be supportive.  Be advised that the road to change will be difficult to navigate.  You need to never lose sight of your overall goal of good self-esteem and more control of yourself and how you feel.

    Any questions or comments would be appreciated.

    Don’t Let The Boston Marathon Bombings Stop You From Living Your Life

    QuestionJHB Third Picture

    Dr.Braccio:  The Boston Bombings are really causing konya merkez kadın escort us turmoil.  My husband and I want to run in the Lansing Marathon this weekend but are scared there could be another bombing.  What do we do?

    Answer

    The Boston Bombings were despicable acts of evil.  We must not let terrorists control our lives.  On the other hand, to take unreasonable risks would be foolhardy and potentially dangerous.  With that said, I would talk to local police authorities and find out what precautions are being made and if any threats are foreseen.  If the two of you feel secure that the marathon is safe, you should go.  In a free society, agents of fear, terrorism and pure evil cannot be allowed to control the lives of good citizens.  To continue living as normal a life as possible destroys the goal of the terrorists and proves murder and mayhem will not break the will of a free and generally spiritual society.

    Any questions or comments would be appreciated.

    Stop Financial Abuse by Family

    QuestionJHB Third Picture

    Dr.Braccio:  We continue to help my husband’s two over 50 year old siblings and even their adult children with anamur eskort bayan financial support into the thousands over the years.  They have never been grateful and have the attitude that, “Since you have it, you should give it to us”.  What has me so mad is that my husband just met with his brother and sister and they told him he was not doing enough and demanded more.  They even blamed me for holding him back from giving more and that he should not be controlled by me.  Strangely, an aunt who always smiles to my face has joined in and says we should continue to help them.  She also says I should go along with the wishes of my husband.  She is a meddler who over the years has caused riffs in the family.  She finds any family conflict and joyfully enters in and causes problems.  We even live in different cities and rarely see her.  I called a family meeting with both of us and our three adult children who were all in town for our wedding anniversary.  They are all self-sustaining and always thought we were “stupid” to continuously help these “ingrates” (their words).  My husband totally agrees but feels guilty if he does not help them.  He even admitted to all of us that he has given them money I did not know about.  This has really made me angry and hurt.  I’ve actually had it with him and them.  What do you think?

    Answer

    Sadly, your problem is very common.  In my office, I regularly work with many family persons mad/enraged and/or hurt when being taken advantage of by other family members.  Even worse is when a meddling “do-gooder” family member interferes.  Not only is their meddling troublesome but they often appropriately end up roasting on the same rotisserie they try to put others on.

    My best advice in dealing with family is that family has the best and first opportunity to be loved, but if they do not love you and try to take advantage of you, then treat them as you would any other negative force in your life:  Kick them out!  I further believe to love and help others who love and will care for you when in need is the core of a happy family life specifically and a happy life in general.

    With that advice as a basis, your husband needs to be polite but firmly tell his aunt to stop meddling and become their financial support if she so desires.  Give her the burden and stay out of it.  You have no need to explain anything else to her other than that.  You can never satisfy a “family meddler” and they will use whatever you tell them in a negative way.  They are never happy and love to cause trouble for others.  She may very well call you in the future and complain when they take advantage of her and treat her poorly.

    As far as the siblings, he can meet with them and let them know the bank is closed and their future friendship must be based on family love and mutual respect or there cannot be a relationship.  This will be hard on your husband.  He needs to know there is a good chance their relationship will be destroyed or at best badly damaged.  That you are already blamed for not sharing what in effect belongs to you and your husband shows what lack of respect they have for you.  Your husband also needs to understand the damage caused in your marriage over all this.  Even if you give them everyone you have, it will not be enough and you will not be respected.  As said above, kick them out and forget about them unless they want a mature family relationship based on mutual respect.

    Any questions or comments would be appreciated.

    Emotional Wall Hinders Future Plans

    QuestionJHB Third Picture

    Dr.Braccio:  I’ve been married briefly two times and had one silifke eskort ilanları child with each husband.  They drifted into my life and then drifted out.  They have had nothing to do with me or my daughters.  The marriages were disasters.  I’ve committed my life to my daughters and they’re both out of college, married with children, and very happy.  We’re close but they both live in California.  Even though I could retire,  I’m still working and feel at a loss about what to do with my life.  I’ve no husband and my parents, who have been a great support to us, are thinking of moving to Florida.  Because of my experiences, I don’t trust men and don’t allow them beyond an emotional security wall.  So even though I badly yearn for a relationship, I don’t’ think the wall is going to come down.  I have pushed various men away.  I could move to California to be near my daughters or move to Florida with my parents.  Either way I’d feel like a burden.  But I’d be so lonely here alone.  I’m an only child with no family here besides my parents.  They all say that it’s time to retire and move and quit thinking so much.  What do you think?

    Answer

    Your emotional plate is filled.  The bad marriages have soured you on men and that does not allow you to open your heart and try to find a loving partner.  The success of your daughters has to give you great pride about your parenting; however, their being so far away takes some glow off the success.  The moving of your parents to Florida also causes some turmoil because you would be alone.

    To retire is a major life activity.  If you retire when you are not ready, you could be very unhappy and resentful of your choice.  You need to prepare to retire and determine what you will do with your life.  For example, to begin a second career or take up a hobby you have always had interest in are some options.

    Since you have no ties here, it would make sense to at least consider retiring and moving to Florida or California.  You are obviously loved and your parents and children would like you near them.  To be near persons who love us and we love is critical in this often cold world.

    You need to try through self-examination to determine what went wrong in your marriages and clearly determine the type of person to stay away from.  You then can determine the type of person you match up well with.  Obvious characteristics would be an honest and caring person who treats you as well as you will treat him.

    Regardless of where you live, you might seek out some professional support to help you tear down the “emotional security wall” that no longer seems to have purpose other than to keep you alone with no chance of finding a loving partner.  Do not let the early bad experiences defer you from finding a life partner.

    Any questions or comments would be appreciated.

    It Isn’t Too Late To Salvage Relationship

    JHB

    JHB

    Question

    Dr.Braccio:  I’m feeling very badly about how my husband and I have anamur bayan escort treated our son over the years.  Even though often frustrating, he’s well liked and a good hearted boy.  He’s 15 and has just recently been diagnosed with AD/HD.  We’ve always been so critical of him.  We always thought his being hyper and inattentive were the result of bad choices and a lack of self-control.  We now know we were unfair.  Our relationship with him has not been good and we feel bad about that.  We see how much better he’s doing with medication and trying new strategies to compensate for his AD/HD through awareness of his problem.  He’s reacting to us positively and seems happy with our contrite and more understanding attitude.  What do you think about this and what should we do?

     Answer

    Even though late, it is fortunate you have found out about his AD/HD.  You now can begin to have a far better relationship armed with knowledge of his disorder.

    It is never too late to discuss this issue honestly and sincerely with your son.  As parents, you obviously operated with the best information you had at the time.  It was inadequate, but now you have appropriate information and can make new choices on how you relate to one another.

    It would be very healing for you and him to admit your responsibility for your parenting choices and how they became hurtful to him.  Even if your knowledge was faulty and you meant the best for him, it would be a significant gesture to apologize for your own inadvertent inattention to his needs.

    That he is “reacting to you positively” shows the parental child relationship is still positive among the three of you.  In that he is a “good hearted boy” and has not developed acting out or socially inappropriate behaviors is a tribute to your parenting and him as a person.

    Reaffirm to him that you are doing your best to change your perceptions, attitudes, and behaviors. Ask him to offer you that same courtesy.  This is a terrific opportunity for healing and positive transformation of your relationship.

    The new relationships based on the new awareness and changes in him brought about by the medication, trying new compensation strategies for his AD/HD, his new outlook, and your new outlook may be difficult for all of you to assimilate for a while.  Do not be afraid.  Try to cement a new relationship and see it as a wondrous new opportunity for all of you.  The old relationship was based on faulty assumptions that led to misunderstandings and resulting poor relationships.

    Build on the present.  You have chance for a new beginning among all of you.  Let it be filled with love and understanding.

    You can prove Yogi Berra was correct when he said, “It ain’t over ‘til it’s over”.

    Any questions or comments would be appreciated.

    Early Intervention Will Help Quell Panic Attacks

    Question

    JHB

    JHB

    Dr.Braccio:  Our 16-year old daughter is going through karatay genç kızlar a very difficult time.  Recently, she had heart palpitations, lost her breath, felt dizzy, and got very fearful when she felt a loss of control when we were at a school event.  Things got so bad we took her to emergency.  They said she had a panic attack and gave her some Xanax to use if she feels the symptoms are coming again and to get some counseling.  We don’t know what to do but know her world is getting smaller because she doesn’t want to go where a lot of people are and won’t stay overnight anywhere since this happened.  She’s so worried it will happen again.  Except for us, her brother and grandparents, no one knows about this and she seems quite normal to everyone else.  She goes to school and is doing okay there.  My father had these tendencies long ago and says he had panic attacks and outgrew them after a lot of suffering.  For now, we feel bad for her and aren’t sure what to do.  What do you think we can do?  Are these common in teenagers?  Even though she had some of these tendencies in the past, the severity of her condition is something new to us.  Do you think they will go away?

     Answer

    It is important to know that panic attacks are relatively common and always terrifying to the person with them.  Fortunately, they do not cause death, but if untreated and continue over time, they can lead to alcohol and other drug abuse, spending less time with others and spending a lot of time at home out of fear of having a panic attack somewhere.  It is estimated that 10% of persons will have one or more panic attacks in their lives.  Panic attacks affect over four million American at any given time.  Anyone who has had a panic attack will tell you how frightening it was and the great fear it will happen again.  As with your daughter, panic attacks usually begin in late adolescence or early adulthood.

    It is important for you to help your daughter to overcome panic attacks now and in the future.  If you do not seek treatment of some kind, they may go away, but the chances are good she will continue to have them and they could get worse.  There also is the chance she may pick up phobias or fears about various things and activities that can bring on other panic attacks.

    The use of medication can be helpful in the short run, but the best approach is to have her eliminate these attacks through a thinking process.  She needs to find out what triggered the panic attack and learn how to make sure it does not happen again.

    To meet with your family physician or a pediatrician is a good idea to determine appropriate medication on an ongoing basis as determined necessary.

    Counseling strategies could include some combination of relaxation, hypnosis, cognitive/behavioral therapy and general insight into how the panic attack occurred and ways to overcome it if the symptoms reoccur.

    While the solution to each panic attack is unique to each person, the use of desensitization is often very helpful.  The person is gradually introduced to the situation that brought on the panic attack and the person learns over time that he or she can be in the situation and not have a panic attack.  Examples of what can cause panic attacks are fear of heights, elevators, wasps, crowds and almost anything you can imagine.  A simple way to look at a panic attack is to realize that thinking somehow created the fear and you can think your way out of it.

    Reading about panic attacks could be helpful as well as seeking out an experienced therapist who has worked with persons with them.  Often, the combination of medication and counseling is the most effective approach to overcoming panic attacks.

    Even though your father overcame panic attacks, you can save your daughter a lot of suffering by intervening with the prescribed medication and counseling as well as self-reading about panic attacks to better understand them.  Prognosis is very good she will not have another panic attack if you solve the problem quickly.  You are asking the right questions and obviously want to help her.

    Let Son Show You Joys of The Unknown

    Question

    JHB

    JHB

    Dr.Braccio:  My husband and I were talking about what we now konya merkez bayan arkadaş accept as our lifelong obsession with security.  Our parents, who were from the Great Depression Era, raised us this way.  We’ve always been cautious and have secure governmental jobs.  My husband did not play sports in high school out of fear he might get hurt and I always have been in the background so as not to be noticed.  Our older children are the same and both have relatively secure jobs.  Our unexpected thirteen year old, fifteen years younger than his sister and seventeen years younger than his brother, is a risk taker and has already worn us out with worry. He plays football, baseball and any other sport he can.  While we worry, we do realize he thrives on competition and seems to be happy, even if intense much of the time.  Unexpectedly, he has taught us that life offers more than security.  Even our older children, who also follow his athletic career, are amazed by him and how different he is from us.  We all follow his athletic career.  Even though late, how can we get more zip in our life and how can we not worry so much about him?

    Answer

    You have big questions.  To begin with, you have had successful lives and have eliminated much risk.  To have security in this unpredictable world is positive.  Your influence over your two older children is obvious because they are like you.  Your youngest son clearly beats to his own drum, and his drum beats to one of excitement and challenge.  With him around, this can be a good time to change and “get more zip” in your life.

    An important thing to remember is that thinkers from Julius Caesar to modern day guru Dr. Wayne Dyer have said fear of the unknown causes more fear than what we can see.  To seek out the unknown and meet new challenges can be exhilarating if fear of the unknown does not stop us from trying new things.

    In your own situation, look at life from a probability perspective.  For example, to spend money to buy a modest cottage may be a risk, but look at your financial situation and job security.  It would appear that after such a review, you would determine to buy the cottage if you so desired.  On the other hand, to quit your jobs and go to California to seek a more exciting 1960s life would not make sense without a lot of planning.

    It is positive you are not seeing your son as “wrong” and trying to stifle his thriving on “competition” and being happy with the life he is living.  This is a compliment to the parenting of both of you.  While you need to teach him how to be stable, effective and balanced, his competitive life is positive for him and try to learn from him.  Recognize there are risks in what he does, but the positive excitement and achievement make them acceptable.  This outlook can reduce your worrying.

    Enjoy his life with him and “go with the flow”.  This may be difficult after so many years of “Depression Era” thinking.  The key thing is to relax and get some excitement through some uncertainty that can keep the blood flowing.  Remember the excitement in the voice of Captain Kirk of Star Trek when he said he would “go where no man has gone before”.  Even if you are not ready to become Captain Kirk, go places emotionally and physically where you have not been before and you will “get more zip in you life.”  The unique factor is that your son can be your guide!

    Any questions or comments would be appreciated!

    Don’t Let Kids’ Ex Push You Around

    Questionjhb1

    Dr.Braccio:  My nine and eleven konya merkez escort year old children are being very mean and unfair to me.  Their father and I divorced eight years ago.  He began dating even before we separated and the kids never complained.  For the first time, I have met a kind man at our church through our minister and am dating him.  He has no children and is very nice to my children.  They treat him horribly, do not want me to date him, and to add insult to injury, their father, who philandered on me, agrees with them and says I should date no one and just look after them!  I had it out with him and he’s threatening to quit seeing the kids even though he only spends a few days a month with them anyway.  What should I do?  I’m hurt, angry, and frustrated.

    Answer

    That your children do not want you to date and want you to themselves is common. That your ex-spouse has involved himself negatively and threatens not to see the children if you continue dating is outrageous and reflects horribly on his character.

    There is a need for a balance between your needs and those of your children.  If your ex-spouse chooses not to see them if you date is inappropriate behavior on his part and your children will figure this out.

    You can explain to your children why you will date and your life cannot be determined by his whims.  He apparently is trying to punish you or is not willing to fully let you go.  Either way, whether you date or not is none of his business unless you are being destructive to the children and you are not.  He has been destructive to them and his new threat, if carried out, would tragically be more of the same.

    You need to sit down with your children and let them know you do not love them less because you need companionship and love from an adult partner.  Even if hard for them to accept, they must because this is the fair thing to do and part of their growing up.

    Be sensitive when you talk to them but do not allow their unreasonableness to destroy your possibility for happiness.  Even though it may be hard for them to understand and accept in the short run, help them separate their reasonable fear of change from what is unreasonable.

    To enlist the support of your minister could be very helpful because you met at the church, he knows both of you and you went out with him “through the minister”.  For him to lead the family in prayer could also be helpful.

    An outside therapist trained in such a common but very delicate situation as yours could also be helpful.  You can also call the school counselor of each, if different, and enlist their support in this situation.

    I hope this all works out for all of you.  You and the children deserve it.

    If the father chooses to sabotage you and pull himself out of their lives, you may consider calling the Friend of the Court to make them aware of this inappropriate parental behavior.

    Any questions or comments would be appreciated.

    Help Son Express Feelings of Anger

     DrB-PortraitQuestion

    Dr.Braccio:  Our eight konya merkez escort year old son is having problems dealing with anger and frustration.  He’s blowing up and sulking if he does not get his way or is stymied in something he wants to do.  This is a relatively new problem.  It does not happen all the time, but enough to cause us concern.  He gets confused and blows up.  We have backed off to some degree because he had to get angry to defend himself from a fifteen year old cousin who lived with us for four months during an illness of my sister and his mother.  We weren’t aware that he was bullying him when we were not around until shortly before he left.  Even though his cousin in gone, he now shows us the anger he developed as a defense while frustrated by his cousin when bullied.  What should we do?

     Answer

    Sit down and talk to your son in a kind and reassuring way.  Talk to him at a level he can understand.  Tell him you feel bad his cousin bullied him and that he did not deserve it.  He needs to know his reaction in the bullying situation is not acceptable now.  He is old enough to understand this.  Let him know you let him continue with these inappropriate behaviors because you felt bad about how he was treated but that is over.  Let him know it is wrong for you as parents to not teach him appropriate reactions to problems and frustrating events.  He also must know he cannot always have his own way.  Perhaps it is appropriate for you to apologize for not being more aware of the situation that led to his experiences of being victimized by his cousin.

    Even though you did not mention it, and hopefully this has already occurred, you need to make sure your son knows you have talked to his cousin and let him know he will not be welcome in your home if he again bullies your son.  He also needs to apologize to your son for what he did.  If he will not, then he can never return to your home until he does.  I’m sure your sister, if she has not already, would help this to happen.

    Your son needs to learn how to express his frustration in a healthy way.  You may need to teach him to use words like frustrated, hurt, angry, etc. in statements to get his feelings out.  You then can talk to him to get his feelings appropriately expressed and come up with strategies to help him adapt.  These conversations need to occur when he feels calm and in control.  It is then you can role-play or play-act scenarios to practice these preferred behaviors.

    Also of tremendous importance is to adapt a very willing and open stance to accommodate his legitimate frustrations and feelings, allowing him room to understand that they are expressions of how he feels, but they do not make him an unworthy person of your love, security and positive regard.  Separating his reactive feelings from his self-identify can help him understand his feelings and make better behavior choices.  The key goal is for him to express his feelings in an appropriate and healthy manner.

    Any questions or comments would be appreciated.

    Help Daughter Return, But Be Cautious

    JHB

    Question

    Dr.Braccio:  My husband and I have been leading a pleasant retirement life mersin anamur escort bayanları for the past six years.  Our four children and their families who live in the community are doing well.  The concern is that our oldest daughter, who has caused us great heartache, wants to return to Michigan to start anew and to mend bridges with her siblings and us after leaving thirteen years ago with one child in her arms and pregnant.  We have kept in touch and see them a few times a year.  She has 12, 13 and 14 year old children by three different fathers who have no involvement with the children.  She now wants to move in and live with us while she gets back on her feet here and she actually has a job waiting for her.  We really want to help but fear she will never leave or only leave if we have a big fight.  My husband is more positive than I am.  Our other children are either neutral or tell us to never do it.  She seems different now and wants to put her life in order.  Her children, even though a little rough around the edges, are good children and want to be with us.  We really want to help out but she has a history of failing on commitments.  The difference is that she now seems to really be trying.  We also feel guilt for whatever reason.  My brother and his wife say we would be better to help her out with an apartment or a house rental for a while.  We could easily do that.  What should we do?  We’re afraid of making a big mistake.

    Answer

    Only you can decide what to do.  That she is reaching out is positive.  That she seems to be changing and wants to come back home and be with her family is positive.  She may be maturing and wanting to put her life in order.  If you can help her to this end, it would be wonderful for her, the children, both of you and the whole family.

    Based on her previous behaviors, you need to be cautious and not let your heart make a decision without using your head.  This could easily lead to a giant blow up in your home that would set all relationships back a long ways and would be destructive to the children.

    Do not make a decision based on guilt.  The end result will most likely be resentment.  If you help her, let it be because you want to and feel it will be helpful and the right thing to do.  You also need to know you really do not know them well and you need time to get to know each other on an ongoing basis.

    If you can handle the finances, your brother and sister-in-law make lot of sense when they suggest you help her rent an apartment or house for say six months.  It would take all the pressure off you and the odds of a blowup is greatly reduced.  You would all be able to get adjusted to each other with separate living quarters.

    You also need to realize that to add new persons to your home when you two are leading a “pleasant retirement life” may not be at all reasonable.

    If you and your husband decide to let your daughter and family “temporarily” move into your home, the following are some good basic guidelines:

    1.  Determine how long “temporary” is .

    2.  Agree on what financial expectations there are for you now and in the future.

    3.  Determine what role you will have in the “parenting” of the children.

    4.  Make sure there is a clear awareness that it is your home and they must adhere to clearly stated home rules that you will determine.

    5.  Determine how and when your daughter and family will leave if you desire it.  This must  be very clear.

    Lest all this seem too negative and even legalistic, be aware the odds of problems occurring are quite high based on the track record of your daughter.  It also is very positive she is reaching out to you to help her and the children adapt to Michigan.  The rewards to the overall family makes the effort worth it.  With that said, your brother and sister-in-law seem to have the best idea to reduce potential conflict and help everyone adapt to each other.

    Any questions or comments would be appreciated.

    Make Sure Joking is Fun, Not Offensive

    jhb1

    Question

    Dr.Braccio:  Our 13 year old son karatay olgun bayan is just a plain tease.  He loves to kid people, tell jokes and be the center of attention.  He’s a leader.  Our concern is that he can be very annoying.  At times, he doesn’t know when to stop and can be offensive to family and friends.  The problem is that people usually love him and it’s hard to get him to change.  What should we do?  We don’t want to put him down too much and stop his spontaneity.

    Answer

    Teasing ranges from playful fun to hurtful words, gestures, and actions.  Your son seems to be playful, witty, and fun.  The problem is that he can be offensive, annoying, and not know when to stop teasing.  He needs coaching from both of you as to what is appropriate and inappropriate teasing.

    To thrive on interaction with people is wonderful for him and others when it is a positive exchange.  He needs to find other ways to fulfill his social needs besides teasing to create a better balance in his human environment.  For example, encourage him to do compassionate work for others to fill his need for up-front human interaction in an environment where negative teasing would have no place.

    His personality can get him far in life.  People like to be around clever, witty, and fun loving people.  Applaud and further develop those traits.  You clearly do not want to stifle his obvious uniqueness and spontaneity.  However, do not underestimate the inappropriateness of his teasing when he offends others or the toll it will take on future friendships and relationships.  People tire quickly of the tease who annoys, offends, and does not know when to stop.

    The following are some suggestions to eliminate the negative aspects of his teasing:

    1.  Have regular family meetings to discuss the negative results of being annoying, offensive, and not knowing when to stop teasing.

    2.  Make sure the negative aspects of his teasing are not due to some combination of hidden anger, hostility, and low self-esteem that he expresses as a passive-aggressive form of humor.

    3.  Have him keep track of when people find him annoying and offensive, and then help him correct his teasing in similar future situations.

    4.  Applaud him when his teasing is appropriate and fun.

    5.  Observe his behaviors and let him know when his behaviors are not appropriate.  You can develop a verbal and/or nonverbal cuing system to let him know when he is beginning to tease inappropriately.

    6.  Let him clearly know what teasing you will not accept.  To let him tease people to the point he annoys and offends them and not do something about it is inappropriate parenting.

    7.  Contact his school counselor to enlist support consistent with your actions at home.

    8.  If all of these suggestions fail or you find his negative teasing is caused by internal bad feelings, you may seek out a therapist experienced in similar situations to give him more in-depth support.

    Do not waver in your goal of making sure your son is respectful to people.  Playful teasing, clean jokes, and humor can be great fun.  Make sure his terrific traits are developed and his negative ones eliminated.  With success, your son can be a positive leader and someone sought after who makes people happy.

    Any questions or comments would be appreciated.

    Keep Close Eye on Teenage Son’s ‘Friend’

    Question 

    Dr.Braccio:  My seventeen year old karatay kadın escort son is strongly influenced by a person he thinks is a friend but is someone who always lets him down.  This is said even though he’s always friendly to his face.  He says he’s coming over and doesn’t show up.  I’ve warned him about him and he seems to even agree with me when he has hurt him.  But then he’s back again with him.  The thing that pushed me to contact you was when he lied to get him in trouble at school with some of his friends.  He gained nothing but hurt my son and his relationships.  Even though the principal told him and me what was said, he has trouble not believing his friend when he says he didn’t say it.  When at my suggestion he asked him to go and meet with the principal, the boy said he didn’t want to meet with the principal under any circumstances and they’re again back together.  What’s wrong and what should I do?

    Answer

    It seems your son values this friendship to the point he is blind to what is happening.  It is clearly a case of low self-esteem.  He values the “false friendship” over respect for himself.  This is more common than you would think at his age.  Do not bank on it, but in all probability he will eventually tire of this relationship and move on.  It would then be a building block on what not to accept in a friendship.

    Even though you have not been successful to date, you need to reinforce to him how bad this person is for his self-esteem and that he will continue to hurt him as long as he chooses to be with him.  Even if he gets upset, to say something when he is hurt and obviously not being treated unfairly is good parenting.  To discuss the situation whenever he is willing is also good parenting.

    The fact he would lie about your son for no apparent motive and thus hurt his relationship with others shows the mischief this person is capable of doing.  He simply lies to cause trouble for your son, even if he apparently gains nothing from it.  Even though his only motive may be to bother your son and feel powerful, there very well could be some jealousy or anger he has for your son that is not seen.

    The apparent lack of motive with someone who is “always friendly to his face” makes it hard for your son to end the friendship.  That someone can be such a bad friend and lie so easily is alarming.  That he continues to hone his skills on your son is not only painful to him but he could get in major trouble if this boy succeeds in lying about a serious problem such as stealing, drug use, drug manufacturing, sexuality, or drug trafficking in the future.

    To enlist the help of the school counselor or an experienced therapist in the community on such matters could be helpful.

    Even if your prospects seem poor at present to change things, be patient and try to be available to your son when he is lied to and treated poorly.  Hopefully, there will come a day in the near future when he will rise up and end this unfortunate and destructive relationship.

    Any questions or comments would be appreciated.

    Speaking Psychologically 12-26-12

    Dr.Braccio talks on the konya merkez escort kızlar “Tony Conley Radio Show” on 1320 a.m. in Lansing on 12/25/12 – Christians as a Personal Reflective Period

     

     

    The Beauty of Christmas for Christians, non-practicing Christians and many non-Christians is that it is a reflective period when millions of people are exposed to love from family, loved ones and friends.  It is a good time to personally examine the following questions:  1.What is my purpose for living?  2.  Will the world be better when I leave it because of me?  3.  How will family, loved ones, friends and acquaintances remember me?  4.  How would I like to be remembered?

     

    I personally hope everyone had a wonderful Christmas! 

    Direct Download The .mp3

    Christmas Blog

    Dr.Braccio talks on the karatay kadın escort “Tony Conley Radio Show” on 1320 a.m. in Lansing on 12/25/12 – Christians as a Personal Reflective Period

     

     

    The Beauty of Christmas for Christians, non-practicing Christians and many non-Christians is that it is a reflective period when millions of people are exposed to love from family, loved ones and friends.  It is a good time to personally examine the following questions:  1.What is my purpose for living?  2.  Will the world be better when I leave it because of me?  3.  How will family, loved ones, friends and acquaintances remember me?  4.  How would I like to be remembered?

     

    I personally hope everyone had a wonderful Christmas!

    Be Kind and Reach Out To Others During The Christmas Holiday Period

    One need not be a psychologist to see that this time of year is very hard for a lot of people emotionally.  Sadly, Christmas and New Year’s celebrations along with any other celebrated holidays remind silifke eskort ilanları many people of happier times.  Since then, many family members may have grown apart, developed into separate units or simply lost interest in the concept of family or your part in it.  There also are problems of divorce, separation, death and distance from loved ones that keep people apart.  Television and concerts bombard us daily with the joys of Christmas.

     For those of us who have loving and caring family and friends near us at this time, the following are a few things to do to make life happier for you and help others who may not be as happy at this joyous time for millions.

     1.  Give a smile and a friendly hello to people.  This can make a person’s day.  We sometimes forget this is often a time of personal isolation even in a crowd of people.

    2.  Call relatives and friends that may be alone, away from loved ones, grieving the loss of loved ones or just having a hard time emotionally.  Let them know you care.

    3.  Invite persons and relatives to holiday events who you know are alone and would greatly appreciate it.

    4.  Invite someone to breakfast or lunch you feel it could be helpful.

    5.  Volunteer at church and/or community events as possible.

    6.  If a Christian, focus on the birth of Christ and his message of love and forgiveness.  To give and receive reasonable gifts for Christmas is nice but we must not lose track of what Christmas represents.

    Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!