Question
Dr.Braccio: Our 13 year old son karatay olgun bayan is just a plain tease. He loves to kid people, tell jokes and be the center of attention. He’s a leader. Our concern is that he can be very annoying. At times, he doesn’t know when to stop and can be offensive to family and friends. The problem is that people usually love him and it’s hard to get him to change. What should we do? We don’t want to put him down too much and stop his spontaneity.
Answer
Teasing ranges from playful fun to hurtful words, gestures, and actions. Your son seems to be playful, witty, and fun. The problem is that he can be offensive, annoying, and not know when to stop teasing. He needs coaching from both of you as to what is appropriate and inappropriate teasing.
To thrive on interaction with people is wonderful for him and others when it is a positive exchange. He needs to find other ways to fulfill his social needs besides teasing to create a better balance in his human environment. For example, encourage him to do compassionate work for others to fill his need for up-front human interaction in an environment where negative teasing would have no place.
His personality can get him far in life. People like to be around clever, witty, and fun loving people. Applaud and further develop those traits. You clearly do not want to stifle his obvious uniqueness and spontaneity. However, do not underestimate the inappropriateness of his teasing when he offends others or the toll it will take on future friendships and relationships. People tire quickly of the tease who annoys, offends, and does not know when to stop.
The following are some suggestions to eliminate the negative aspects of his teasing:
1. Have regular family meetings to discuss the negative results of being annoying, offensive, and not knowing when to stop teasing.
2. Make sure the negative aspects of his teasing are not due to some combination of hidden anger, hostility, and low self-esteem that he expresses as a passive-aggressive form of humor.
3. Have him keep track of when people find him annoying and offensive, and then help him correct his teasing in similar future situations.
4. Applaud him when his teasing is appropriate and fun.
5. Observe his behaviors and let him know when his behaviors are not appropriate. You can develop a verbal and/or nonverbal cuing system to let him know when he is beginning to tease inappropriately.
6. Let him clearly know what teasing you will not accept. To let him tease people to the point he annoys and offends them and not do something about it is inappropriate parenting.
7. Contact his school counselor to enlist support consistent with your actions at home.
8. If all of these suggestions fail or you find his negative teasing is caused by internal bad feelings, you may seek out a therapist experienced in similar situations to give him more in-depth support.
Do not waver in your goal of making sure your son is respectful to people. Playful teasing, clean jokes, and humor can be great fun. Make sure his terrific traits are developed and his negative ones eliminated. With success, your son can be a positive leader and someone sought after who makes people happy.
Any questions or comments would be appreciated.