Question
Dr.Braccio: My husband unexpectedly died six months mersin esc ago. Up until then, and we had been married nine years and have two boys aged seven and eight, his parents, older children of my husband and the rest of his family had nothing to do with me. We decided to move a thousand miles away. In fairness, we had an affair while he was married and everyone turned against him and hated me. I accept this was wrong. Now, his first wife just died in a freak accident and his father, who is healthy but 85, called and asked if we would consider meeting and trying to start being a part of the family. He candidly told me they loved my husband’s first wife and were enraged at him and me for breaking up the family. He said they believed with both of them dead, it was time to move on. I have mixed feelings. They are a prominent and good family, but I worry about how they will treat us. What do you think?
Answer
To be part of the family of your late husband would be good for your children. Do not allow their past resentment, that had nothing to do with them, keep your children from their grandparents and other family members. This is said with the assumption the resentment they have had for you does not carry over to your children. If this were to occur, then it is best not to get together.
If you do decide to let the past go and move on, do not let the fear of failure stop you. Work on the assumption that past resentments can be overcome at least in relation to the grandchildren. Your situation is far more complicated. Obviously, their interest is in the grandchildren. If you can accept this and you all try to start anew under these circumstances, then go for it. The grandfather’s candor about the past and now the future is hopefully a good indication that good communication can occur.
At the risk of offending you, I suggest you accept why they have been angry at you and that it has been reasonable for them to defend and identify with the victim of the philandering.
You can begin by having some intensive phone conversations with the grandparents. This may be painful, but the feelings and resentment need to come out prior to meeting. Discussions must include how they will react to you and the children.
When you feel comfortable, if you do, I suggest you have them visit you and spend a weekend. Depending on how you feel, you can have them stay with you or a hotel. Once you decide to see them, you will need to prepare the children. Let them know they have family they do not know and they will be meeting them. Children their age will most likely ask few questions and will look forward to meeting them.
If the first meeting works out well, then you can decide how to integrate your children in with the rest of the family. If, and there are a lot of ifs, you get this far, be aware family members will initially all treat you differently, from embracing you to being standoffish. Accept that and be open to communication as is possible. It will be surprising if the children were not loved and accepted. If that is not true, then good parenting requires you to not allow them to be involved with persons who would hurt them.
This family journey will be difficult. The rewards for the children of being part of a larger family make the risks acceptable. Go slowly and see what happens. It also could atone for the anger your acts caused to the family of your late husband. This could be a time of forgiveness and positive family growth for the whole family.
Any questions or comments would be appreciated.