09-01-2026-
For purposes here we will generally be talking about a boy aged 12 to 18 whose father dies,
give or take a year or two. While it is extremely difficult for someone to lose a parent at any time, our focus is on adolescent boys losing their fathers. The outcomes are often very tragic as highly elevated levels of anxiety, depression, PTSD and anger are too often common. When an adolescent boy loses a father, they have to deal with so many things going on at the same time. They lose stability in their emotional and social life and often have problems in their academic life. A good father provides such things as stability, good modeling, security, financial security, love, affection, status and direction in the life of a growing adolescent male. When this occurs, there is a need for the mother, family members, teachers and friends to recognize what is occurring and try to be as supportive as possible. In spite of the pressure on the mother, it is important she not expect the grieving son to take on the role of a father, help raise the children, be her primary emotional support and not behave like they are not going through an exceptionally difficult emotional time. Without some intervention by the mother and other persons brought in, unhealthy coping mechanisms would include severe anger, irritability, alcohol and other substance abuse, not wanting to talk to friends and other persons, academic decline, and risk taking activities to eliminate some of the numbing and painful experiences being experienced emotionally. It also is possible the grieving son can mask emotions and take on the role of a parent, which is very inappropriate for them at their age. Something important for the grieving mother to do is be as supportive of the son as much as she can. This is very difficult because she is mourning the loss of her beloved husband. As possible, it is important for the mother to make available other good male figures to help the son in these difficult times. It can include grandparents, adult older brothers, uncles, teachers, coaches and neighbors to be helpful. The intervention of a counselor familiar with grieving adolescent boys who have lost their fathers can be very helpful. It is important everyone involved make sure they are understanding what the son is feeling and saying and not judging them. They need to know that to feel horrible and even have some feelings of abandonment and inappropriate guilt are natural. The mother and helping persons must show patience as the son may be irritable and angry that can lead to difficult interactions. They also must give assurance that their feelings are appropriate and that the main thing is to try to work through them and move forward in a mentally healthy manner. A sense of spirituality can also be helpful with the introduction of a priest, pastor or someone else involved from the church who can work with sons of deceased fathers going through very difficult grieving situations. It is essential he knows he is not alone and that there are people willing to help him. This can become a life-threatening crisis if there is suicide ideation and the son is talking about wanting to see their father again and feeling death is the only way out. Something very important to do for the mother and other persons involved is let them talk about their deceased father and all the nice experiences they had together. The point is not to have the person close out memories on someone as important as their deceased father in their lives. No, the point is to try to have them keep these memories in place now so the father does not fully die in their mind and knowing he would want them to follow the advice they had given them over the years. This can be positive to the self-esteem of the son as they now move forward in the world without their father physically, but always remembering and following the advice and modeling they offered out of love. Their fathers must never die in their loving memories.