October 6, 2026- It has always been fascinating to me over the years that people who treat strangers with total regard and respect and purposely would never do anything to offend them can hurt those they love the most. It is not often due to a lack of love, but due to the things that occur when people love each other. For example, in an interaction with a stranger, we do not have particular expectations for them nor do we see ourselves in a role to say exactly what is truly in our heart or try to respond to a person who we really do not know well that could be hurtful. However, in relationships with partners, spouses, close friends, family, and children, things can be quite different and often are. Typical reasons the persons can be hurtful to someone they love would include honestly trying to be helpful in someway, trying to resolve differences that are impacting the relationship, relieving stress and maybe saying things that are hurtful by transferring frustration with someone else to someone you love and care for, the result of a number of small things that have grown to be a major concern in the relationship, feeling acceptance by the person to the level they can mention concerns and feelings they would not mention to a stranger that come directly from the heart, self-sabotaging when a person is questioning if the person really loves them and maybe is giving the person every opportunity to leave them, unreasonable expectations that the person has for the person they love that they never would have for a stranger, addressing areas of disagreement that need to be resolved, even if they are hurtful to the other person, a safe environment where one can let out anything they are thinking, and knowing that even if there is hurt that they will be loved and cared for regardless, trying to take control of the situation where a person feels that boundaries have been broken, and they have lost a sense of fairness in the relationship, boundary testing which happens in all relationships where persons are sorting out what are acceptable and unacceptable behaviors within the relationship and unrealistic expectations where the person they love is expected to behave in ways not reasonable. Typical situations would be parents demanding excellence from their children in sports and academics that might be beyond their capabilities or desires, and this could lead to frustration and anger for all involved. A spouse could be a person with poor self-esteem who feels they are not worthy of the person. They then consciously or unconsciously sabotage the relationship to prove this. There also are going to regularly be areas of disagreement with persons who are intimate that need to be talked out and resolved. Things as basic as what home to buy, what school district to be in, whether to send children to Catholic or other private schools, how much money to save for the future and a number of other things that can lead to disagreements that hurt on either or both sides. It also is a safe environment where a person feels they can at times be unreasonable. The person at times can say things that may be hurtful because of frustration in other parts of their life and they know that they still will be loved and cared for even after concerns are talked about and they realize that it was inappropriate behavior within what was seen as a safe environment. Boundary testing is when partners sort out exactly what is acceptable in the relationship. It may not be on extreme things, but both persons have needs for certain levels of freedom that they can count on in a loving and caring relationship. When this is not worked out, there can be power plays by either or both persons that eventually can kill and destroy the relationship if not resolved. Another potential area of concern would be unrealistic expectations where a person sees someone as perfect or ideal. This does not work out on earth and such expectations can lead to conflict where a person is actually demanding and expecting certain levels of performance and behavior beyond the ability of the person and will only lead to conflict because perfect is not going to occur. It also can happen that the behaviors desired are not desired by the partner. This leads to even more conflict because the expectations that each person has are not consistent with the expectations of the other.