Question:
Dr.Braccio: Our home has been in turmoil since our fourteen kocasinan bayan arkadaş year old daughter began dating a controlling sixteen year old. Up until she met him, she was very close with us, the rest of her family and her friends. Even though superciliously charming, he’s completely jealous of her, wants to know where she is all the time, is pushing her away from her friends and us, treats her like she’s his property, and our daughter worries about getting him upset. My husband is ready to end the relationship. Her friends and everyone in the family agree with him. The school principal even mentioned some concerns when we ran into each other at the mall. I worry if we try to break them up that it will get worse and she’ll go with him anyway. What do you think?
Answer:
I think your husband and “her friends and everyone in the family” are right. This relationship needs to end immediately. It is emotional abuse.
As you describe his jealousy, wanting to know where she is at all times, isolating her from others, treating her as his property, and her worrying about getting him mad, are all key signs of the abusive personality and resulting relationship. Even though you did not mention it and maybe you just do not know, but physical abuse in such a situation as this is highly probably now or in the near future.
This is not a decision where there can be compromise. The relationship must end immediately. Even if your daughter is upset and he will “pursue his prey”, good parenting demands you save her from this emotionally abusive predator.
At 14, you clearly have the responsibility to make some key decisions about her friends. That she has been close to you, gives you solid base to use as you clearly go contrary to her desires and end this relationship.
At a basic level, for now and the foreseeable future, you need to decide how close of a dating relationship a fourteen year old should have. I believe a fourteen year old who dates needs plenty of time away from that person with peers and family. I also think it is questionable if a fourteen year old is best served by any dating relationship that is intense, exclusive, and keeps the person away from family and friends. This time is best used to develop skills for good friendships with boys and girls. Serious relationships can come later.
Let her know you love her and care for her as you firmly tell her the relationship is over. Let him know he is not welcome in your home or in the company of your daughter. Tell the principal and school counselor about your concerns and that you desire him to stay away from her. Fortunately, the principal is aware of the problem.
To have the school counselor regularly talk to your daughter during this upcoming period when she is not seeing him would be helpful. You will need all the help you can get to break his grip on her . A therapist away from school who is familiar with emotional abuse could also be helpful.
A further concern you have is why she is attracted to such a person. Self-esteem issues need to be addressed so this does not happen again.
Be prepared for a difficult period as you end this abusive relationship. Patience, understanding, and a lot of love will be needed by all of you to get back to where you were. She can potentially become a stronger person if she learns from this abusive relationship.