Question
Dr.Braccio: I’m very konya merkez escort kızlar frustrated. I’m trying to raise two pre-adolescent teens, work and maintain a relationship. For the second time in a row over a four year period, I’ve been left by a significant other who claims my kids are such a priority to me that there is little time for us. The last one even said my work was a higher priority than him. My problem is that I must work and my kids without a doubt are my number one priority. I don’t think it’s reasonable to expect me to not be as involved in the children’s lives as much as possible. One of them was a weekend father and the last one had no children. Even though each liked my children and said they wanted to be a major part of their lives, neither felt close enough to want to stay with us. What can I do? I feel deserted and the kids again feel hurt and abandoned. They both came in and got close to the kids. Then they just left.
Answer
This is an unfortunate situation. It appears you simply have had some combination of bad luck and making poor choices. While not excusing their brutish behavior, you may not be able to give enough of yourself in a relationship that your significant other feels attached to you and the children. Perhaps your potential partners assumed that you offered more emotional resources and availability than were realistically accessible.
That they came into your lives saying they were ready to be part of the family, became involved with the children and then just left because of them is unconscionable and just plain wrong. You also must be very cautious in believing such statements from perspective significant others. To protect your children and give them more faith in your choices, you could date someone causally prior to their involvement with your children.
You might try to date a man involved and in love with his children who would like to blend them with yours into a loving family. While not always easy to do, it could work. You also might look for a man who wants to have a family and would love to join yours. There are many lonely and even very happy people that want to actively belong to a family.
To meet someone through church or school activities of your children might be a non-threatening and positive way to meet a potential significant other. Even if difficult, you also need to look at yourself and see if you promise too much and push them out of your life by not focusing enough on the two of you. I agree with you that your children are your number one priority. It also is true these must be adult time with the significant other if the relationship is going to develop. In the best of relationships, there is a need for the persons to have time to discuss all important issues and grow together as they live the present into the future. In a sense, the success of a relationship in the future begins now.
You probably need time for you and the children to heal prior to entering into a new relationship. You must determine how much of yourself you can give and if that is enough to cement a relationship. Even if unlikely, your children and work may have become convenient excuses for you to not develop appropriate intimacy with a significant other.
You may find after soul searching that your work and parenting are such priorities that you choose not to date seriously and in effect firmly decide to raise your children as you desire and not have conflicting allocation of time pressures on you. To make your children your number one priority is a noble and important choice that is very good for them. You may find to focus on them until the youngest is out of high school is the least stressful choice and the most mentally healthy for all of you. If you decide not to do this, and even if you do, to seek out a therapist, minister and/or group that addresses your areas of concern to help you determine what truly caused the breakup of your relationships. This is said even though their entering the lives of you and the children and then just leaving was most inappropriate and damaging.
Whatever you decide to do now, your decisions must eliminate as much as possible that your children will ever again feel hurt and abandoned. All three of you have been hurt enough. Let the healing process begin.