Question

Dr.Braccio:  My fourteen year old daughter can torture me emotionally but is so escort kızlar mersin insecure in her life.  She never wants to try anything new.  I also must work more at this.  When I push her into something like the Spanish Club, she enjoys it and even thrives in it while I’m worn out from the struggle to get her to finally go.  In spite of all I try, the scenario is always the same.  What’s wrong and what can I do differently?

Answer

Your daughter has low self-esteem in relation to trying new things.  She is comfortable with the known and predictable.  The unknown scares her.  The scenario you have developed between the two of you appears to be how she changes.  The problem is that there is no spontaneity and the process and resulting change for her is a very slow and burdensome process.  Additionally, you get worn out emotionally and it puts real wear and tear on your relationship.

Until you can implement some of the following suggestions on how to help both you and your daughter, you probably need to use the current model to make sure some changes occur.  Even though I say this, the emphasis needs to be on the new suggestions below.

1.  Encourage her whenever possible to try new things.  Use your whole environment.  This can occur when you see something on TV, in newspapers, in magazines, as you walk in your life, etc. that you can build on to discuss with her with the goal of helping her see  how it relates to her and how she might try it.

2.  Be on guard to always immediately applaud her anytime she thinks about and/or tries to do   anything new.  Each time may potentially be the catalyst for a major overall change in her life.

3.  Place her in situations where she can take a leadership or proactive role.  Church, family and community activities lend themselves to this.

4.  Model a willingness to try new things.  Demonstrate the excitement that can come from trying new things.  Because you must work on this also, it will be a good test for you as well as her.

5.  Try to set up events and that would allow her to explore new things.  Examples would include picnics, trips, extensive walking, amusement parks, church/youth activities, art class, cake decorating class, sewing class, swimming, tennis and soccer.

Question

Dr.Braccio:  I don’t know silifke escort numaraları what’s been happening to me.  I’ve always been anxious but now I seem to be worrying about everything.  I even worry about my worrying.  My mother and her sisters are just like me.  My kids and husband have told me to try to settle down, but I can’t.  I seem to be worrying about a lot of things and can’t get the worries out of my mind.  It’s nothing in particular but can be anything.  I worry about the health of my family, my husband’s job, the education of my children and even the effects of global warming on us.  I get tense, irritable, can’t concentrate and focus on my worrying and often can’t sleep well.  This makes me feel down and immature.  I feel I’m getting worse.  What do I have and what can I do about it?

Answer

You appear to have “Generalized Anxiety Disorder”.  This is an anxiety disorder that covers a wide range of concerns.  It is often written as GAD.  It can make one feel uneasy and worrying about various things or just a kind of foreboding that something will go wrong.  “What Iffing” and “catrastrophising” are common characteristics.  The present is often ruined as the person worries about the future.

GAD is quite common with a frequency rate of around 3 to 4%.  As you can see, you are not alone as millions suffer the same condition.

The cause is debatable, but probably ranges from bad learning and being around worriers to a chemical makeup that gives one a tendency to worry or a combination of them.  The reaction is physical and the result is an ongoing anxiety that is draining on the person and those around him or her.  As in your case, this can lead to some level of depression because the constant worrying and physical uneasiness can make one feel down, hopeless and plain worn out emotionally and physically.

Some key things to do to address your anxiety would be as follows:

1.  Learn to relax to reduce anxiety.  Just breathing in and out deeply for a few minutes can be helpful.  Humans have done this over the centuries  to help them relax.   You also can use self-hypnosis, yoga, meditation or any other system to help you relax.  Just to slowly say the word …..r—e—l—a—x….. can be relaxing.

2.  Medication can help to calm you down.  While this can be helpful in the short run, the key is to stop your anxiety naturally and it can be done for the most part by just changing how you look at life and its everyday occurrences.

Question

Dr.Braccio:  We have a ten year old daughter’s teacher met with us and said our daughter feels we mersin esc don’t listen to her.  She told her teacher that when she wants to talk about a problem, we change the topic, minimize her feelings, baby her or solve the problem without her involvement. The school counselor agrees.

Answer

You need to be patient and let your daughter get her feelings out in a way she can both fully express herself and begin to solve problems on her own.  Neither of you allow this to happen.  You need to go from “pushy” to “laid back” when she wants to share her feelings and problems.

Fortunately, with your desire to help her and using a strategy called “Active Listening”, you can help her right now.

When we use “Active Listening”, we let the person get all of her or his feelings out in a safe environment where the person fully says how she or he feels.  In this environment, concerns are raised and the person can problem-solve.  When parents do this, it is offering safe harbor to the child to problem-solve and express feelings.

This is NOT an example of “Active Listening”:

Daughter: “I feel bad about the way Judy treats me.”

Parent:      “The heck with her, ignore her.”

Daughter: “But I feel bad when she says mean things to me”.

Parent:      “Don’t feel that way.  She’s just being bad and the heck with her”.

Daughter: “But….”

Parent:      “But nothing, eat something and you’ll feel better.  Nobody can be mean to my little baby.  Give me a hug”.

As you can see, the parent is not listening to her concerns and is minimizing the problem situation, her feelings and no solutions can occur for her in this environment.  She will actually feel worse.

Question

Dr.Braccio:  My oldest silifke eskort ilanları son just turned 15 at the end of November and is in ninth grade.  School has always been an issue for him, but lately he is really struggling.  Right now, he is getting two Es, one C and one B. His last report card had two Es, one D and one C.  He also seems to have issues with anger and will just shut down when he’s upset.  He does see a counselor but is not all that receptive ‑‑ he feels there is nothing wrong.  I try to explain to him the importance of a good education and a high‑school diploma and college degree.  I tell him I’m willing (and I have) to sit down with him to help him with his homework, yet he brings home none, even though he is missing several assignments.  I can’t force him to do his homework and get good grades, but at the same time I’m afraid he will take the “wrong road” and end up who‑knows‑where.  I don’t want to see him fail ‑‑ I want him to be successful, which I also tell him!  Please help.  Any suggestions would be wonderful.

Answer

This is a difficult problem.  He is discouraged by school over a long period of time and is doing poorly.  His response has been to not try hard and just get by.  Even that is not working now that he is in high school and his grades are sliding.

His anger is probably related to his lack of success in school and the negative feedback he gets because of it.  He is in denial about his problem and says nothing is wrong.  That he will not bring homework home seems to mean he has accepted his poor academic performance and will only do what he can while at school.  He appears to have given up.

His anger shows the frustration he has with himself about school and probably other things in his life.  Life is difficult for a poor student who is having less and less success academically.  Even though he denies anything is wrong, his anger and attitude about school show this is not true.

The problem you have now is that his grades are such that he can flunk a grade.  This could lead to him quitting school when he is sixteen and that would be very sad in a time period when a high school diploma is a minimum for getting a relatively good job.

It will be difficult to change the attitude of your son .  The poor performance and lack of motivation is of long duration and getting worse.  Even though it is not going well, you are trying hard to help him and you cannot give up.

The following are some suggestions to help:

1.  Meet with school persons, including the school counselor, to get their ideas on what he can do to help him succeed in school.  This can make them more aware of him and hopefully give you ideas on how to better help him and give him more encouragement than he might normally get in the school environment.  Parental involvement is very positive and often leads to teachers, as busy as they might be, to give some special attention to someone who needs some extra support.

Question

Dr.Braccio:  I find anger over time is seeping into my life karatay escort more and more.  I’m negative and so many things bother me.  My wife and mother, who lives with us, recently told me they’re sick of my negative attitude, fault finding and anger about everything.  I went to our adult son and his wife to talk about this.  They both agreed and said I need to loosen up, socialize more, seek the positive in life, quit fault finding and throw out the anger.  I talked to my boss and he thinks I’m both angry and depressed.  Everyone thinks I have a problem.  I do admit I’m not happy and can be a faultfinder and very negative person.  I would like to change and be happy.  What’s going on here and what should I do?

Answer

You are an angry and negative person.  These attitudes also make you depressed.  You can begin to change by being more optimistic and positive.  As the old saying goes, the optimist and pessimist have the same frequency of error, but the optimist is so much happier.  In the middle of the storm, the optimist imagines the glorious sun that will shortly shine forth or even the beautiful rainbow that can follow a storm.  The pessimist cannot enjoy a sparkling sunny day because he or she knows the clouds and rain are coming.

Remember that attitudes are choices we make about how to interpret our life.  One can see the rainstorm as preparing the earth for the wondrous corn that will grow so we can eat and live or as a nuisance to make us uncomfortable and unable to enjoy the day.

Even though your negative outlook will be hard to change, you can do it by making some changes in how you interpret things and your reaction to life.  For example, try to find something to compliment in someone you would normally find fault with.

Recognize that the important people in your life are all saying the same thing about you and you are not disagreeing.

Build on your desire “to change” and “be happy”.  Know you have the ability to do it and the job is half done.  Then always remind yourself of how unhappy you were the day you decided to change and enjoy every happy moment you have by being positive.

Communicate effectively and positively by listening to what others say and being sensitive to what is important to them and trying to understand their outlooks.  This can create tolerance by having you try to walk in the shoes of someone else.  All those around you will enjoy being with you.

Question

Dr.Braccio:  I’m always down on konya merkez bayan arkadaş myself.  It doesn’t matter what I do.  I wait for bad things to happen.  I try to be positive but keep believing people will figure me out and see I’m not as good as they think I am.  My husband and 15 and 18 year old children tell me to loosen up and enjoy life and my successes.  They believe the negative messages that my parents and grandmother gave me when I was growing up that I always had to try harder and nothing I did was good enough are the cause of my worries and anxiety.  It’s strange my children can see this and I can’t.  My parents still warn me not to get too confident because I could fail at any minute.  I’ve got a good job with the State of Michigan where I have made steady advances over the past twenty-five years, many friends, a good husband and two fine children.  What’s wrong with me?

Answer

I agree with your husband and children.  You cannot shake the early messages from your youth that whatever you did was not good enough.  There was a popular book written by Ciance Pauline some years ago called the “Imposter Phenomenon”.  It’s theme is that some persons, regardless of what success they achieve, never feel that they are doing well enough and people eventually find out their success is fake and they are imposters rather than the successful persons people thought they are.  This sounds like you.  In spite of your solid professional, social and family successes over a period of time, you feel you will be found out as an imposter and fail.

Do not let the old tapes from your youth control your present.  Constantly reinforce to yourself that you are successful in the major phases of your life and it will continue.  You have a good job, good friends, a good marriage and family.  You are a true success for all of us to stand up, take notice and congratulate.

That your parents are still giving you negative messages is a sad continuation of their unfortunate pattern of negative reinforcement.  You must see it as unacceptable to you and make appropriate efforts to end it.  You need to firmly let them know you are and always have been a successful person due to your hard efforts and it will continue.  Even though this is easier said than done, you need to give little credence to the negative messages of your parents.  Let them be burdened with their negativity and not you.

You can meet with your husband and children and say you want to learn how to be positive and see yourself in the same positive way as do others.  Ask them to keep encouraging you and remind you if the old negative tapes try to take hold.  They will on and off come back and you need to be on guard.

You seem like a very nice person.  You need to enjoy yourself, your family, your work and your friends.  Never forget that you deserve it as well as a happy life with recognition for how hard you work and your many successes.