Question
Dr.Braccio: We’ve been married for seventeen years and I’m always in kocasinan escort hot water with my wife by forgetting her birthday, anniversary and every other important date. I’ve told her to remind me but she says it’s my job. She became particularly enraged a few weeks ago when I again forgot her fortieth birthday. She became more enraged when I said she was overlooking all the good I do and was overreacting. Our ten year old son told me to just do it and quit defending my forgetfulness. We generally get along fine. I treat her good and we love each other. I don’t understand how little things like this can cause us so much trouble. What should I do?
Answer
Some spouses do remind their spouses of important days so they will not forget them. In your case, and your wife is clearly the norm; she wants you to remember important days in your lives. It seems reasonable to do that. Particularly when you two otherwise “generally get along fine” and “love each other”. Your ten year-old son gives you good advice. Key days to remember for your wife are your anniversary, her birthday, Mother’s Day, Valentine’s Day and Christmas. Add to this list whatever is important to her.
For these days, you would do well to treat her as the most loved person in your life that she is. Dinner, flowers, massages, poetry, words of love, books of love, and most importantly, showing feelings of true love will make your marriage, family life and mutual feelings of spousal love remarkably better. A minimal investment in thoughtfulness will pay huge dividends in peace!
While some husbands and wives would say love is what you show by being a responsible spouse, and I would agree, a wise spouse knows that celebrating special dates and trying to maintain a special relationship at other times make for a much more intimate love and marriage. It keeps the love in the marriage.
In a successful marriage, each spouse tries to hear what the other is saying and meet the needs of each other. When each does this, then a good loving and intimate marriage is the result. By becoming defensive about your forgetfulness, she felt de-valued.
Listen to her words, but more important, listen to her heart and meet her needs as they are. You are not “hearing” how important it is to your wife for you to remember key dates. Do everything you can to remember them. Even if unfortunate for both of you, her reaction has clearly caught your attention.
Because women tend to value relationships, mindfulness of her needs helps you to fulfill them. This is normal. In your wife’s eyes, mindfulness of her significant events is a part of how she feels meaningful to you versus being “taken for granted”. Which do you intend to communicate?
For now, even at this late date, and her initial reaction may not be positive, I would advise you to buy her a birthday present or get her flowers, chocolates or perfume. Set the tone for the future. Say you are sorry and mean it.
I would predict if you do this, your marriage will be much better. By making your wife feel special and truly loved, she will treat you much better and both of you will be remarkably happier.