Category: Blog

May 28, 2025- It is critical that parents do whatever they can to allow their children to find their success in life. Even with the best intentions, parents run the risk of pushing their children to achieve things they feel are critical but not necessarily what would be critical to them. I believe it is safe to say we have all talked to parents who look back at how they raised their children and wish they had done things very differently. It is not that persons can go back and redo things, but they can use what they have learned to be helpful as they share their insights with children, friends and acquaintances as they raise their children. All of us are different and it is important to know that children come through us and not to us. What I mean by this is that the role of a parent is to teach morality and also help develop the particular skills and interests their children have. They may be different from ours and we need to accept that. When children are strictly pushed to achieve and behave in the way their parents determine, this can cause anxiety, depression, substance abuse, low self-esteem, parent/child alienation , delinquency, difficulties maintaining relationships, and either being submissive or rebellious to their parents. My point here is not to say that parents do not need to give direction and encourage children to do things that would help them succeed in life. No, my point is for parents to allow their children to become who they want to be and find their success. For a simple example,a parent may be a mathematician and would like their child to be a mathematician. The child may have no interest in mathematics and may desire to be a high school teacher or whatever. In a situation like this, it is important we not push our child to be a mathematician. They might become a good one, but might hate the work and have mental health issues in the future because of it. It also is amazing how many parents are obsessed with their child being number one academically or in sports or both. Their self worth is directly related to the success of their children. This is very unfortunate unless the parents and children have the same goals and the child has the ability and desire to accomplish them. This seems simple enough, but it is amazing how many parents cause a lot of emotional havoc for themselves and their children by either trying to live their lives through their children or pushing them to behave in a particular way that they feel they must. Good advice for parenting with children is to always try to be positive and not push their children in ways that can overwhelm them, and cause them to feel like failures if they do not meet the standard presented to them by their parents. Positive things to do as parents to help their children would include being supportive when their children are attempting to do good things, focus on the process of activities rather than just the end result,help our children realize that not always succeeding is part of the process of being successful, focus on the child being motivated from within and not just externally by their parents or other persons, have open communication and willingness to accept different views, and never forget that as you are a person so are your children. This can emotionally allow you to get some distance from simply wanting the children to be succeeding in a way that is important to you as opposed to what is important to them in finding their success. Being a successful plumber or attorney can be a very worthwhile goal versus being the largest plumbing company or highest paid attorney in the country. I personally have seen children berated by parents for not functioning as they desire them to function in sports and academics while in both areas they were being successful and satisfied. Finally, my point is not for parents to discourage their children from trying to do their best, but rather to accept that millions of persons are leading successful, fulfilling, and happy lives without feeling the need to be number one and always competing against everyone. This has occurred because parents have allowed their children to find their success.

April 15, 2025- People pleasers are generally liked because they are so ready to bend to the will of others and agree to do things that they really do not want to do but feel they must do in order to be well liked and accepted. People pleasers are often very friendly and open. They often have problems saying no and are afraid to present their own views because they might offend someone. As a result, they are always agreeing with others. The classic problem of the people pleaser is that they will say yes to things that they have no business doing because of other responsibilities they have and will not be able to complete. They say yes because they do not want to offend someone and they feel that they need to do this in order to be liked. Trying to accommodate people and do things to be helpful are commendable characteristics. The problem occurs when you almost become invisible psychologically because your goal of pleasing others totally eliminates your views. This means if somebody has very strong views on religion, politics, the best color for a house, the best car or anything they may believe strongly, the people pleaser will find themselves agreeing with whatever opinion the person has. The problem is the people pleaser may have completely different views, but feel they should not say them. People pleasers also too often take blame if someone else is unhappy or having a difficult time and somehow come to the conclusion it is their responsibility to make them happy. People pleasers often grew up in an environment where they were fearful of consequences or emotional abuse if they had opinions different than their parents, guardians or persons with responsibility over them. It came to the point they would always go along with what was asked of them. The obvious problem is that people pleasers continue to have this attitude long after they are children and into adulthood. Poor self-esteem is the result when you are fearful of presenting your own views and you hide your own feelings so you will people please another person. Typical characteristics of people pleasers include going along with whatever other people are saying around you, agreeing to things you may not agree with it all, not being able to say no, being willing to accept the blame and apologizing for things that you are not at all responsible for, seeing your value as a person dependent on how others see you and changing your personality and outlook based on the person you are talking to. You can imagine how this can cause a problem if you get two people you have agreed with that have totally different views and you are now the third person in a discussion. Negative outcomes for the people pleaser include not caring for themselves emotionally, they tend to have low self-esteem because their self-esteem depends on how others see them, they can have tremendous resentment from the fact they find it impossible to present their own views, they in effect become psychologically invisible and they have an inner critic who is always telling them they are doing wrong unless they always say yes and do what other people desire. The following are things a person can do if they realize they are a frustrated people pleaser and want to change: 1. Recognize you have this outlook on life and decide to change it. 2. Develop positive affirmations about what a good person you are and how you are going to stand up for yourself. 3. Do cognitive restructuring where you replace negative thoughts with positive ones when they come into your mind. 4. Seek out close friends and family who recognize you have this problem and have them support you when you try to get your fair share in life and receive the predictable severe criticism that will come from people who have always taken you for granted . 5. Recognize that “no” is a legitimate word when you do not want to do something.. 6. Recognize your responsibilities are real and need to be taken into account in all decisions that you make. 7. Turn off the inner critic that is constantly saying negative things about you and have periods of time where you will begin to not allow negative statements in. You will see yourself as a goalie in hockey or a batter in baseball protecting the net or the home plate. 8. Seek out a trained therapist as you feel necessary who has experience in working with people pleasers and will try to be a support and give you insight into how you can change your outlook and behaviors…An important thing to be aware of is that being a caring and helpful person is a wonderful thing. It can allow you to have equal friendships and overall interactions with other persons. The goal is not to turn you into a selfish person who does not help others, but more to take into account your own needs and interactions with others where you will say how you feel, disagree and say no when you have no desire to do something or if it interferes with responsibilities that you must meet in your own life.

April 8, 2025-We live in an age where being average is often seen as something negative and not to be sought. The goal of many people is to be the very best at what one does regardless of the psychological and physical impact on them by putting their total energy to this end. To become the CEO of the company, to become the top athlete in the chosen sport, to be the top student in the chosen field, to earn the most money of anyone they know, to have the biggest house, to have the most expensive car, to have the most attractive spouse/ partner, in a never-ending list of being the best and number one. Media of all types blare out the glory of being number one! Heartbreak and psychological devastation can be the result if one does not reach the pursued goal of being number one. My argument here is not for a person to not aim to be excellent and do the best they can do. No, there is nothing wrong with that if you can do it and maintain your mental and physical health along the way. Too many people in their striving for excellence, negatively impact their psychological development and even their physical development by blindly striving to be number one at something at all costs. They then can lose out on all the other activities that can be enjoyed in life if everything is lo pushed in the one direction of being excellent in one or even more areas. Again,the point here is not to have you strive for excellence, but to consider what can be done in life by being average and successful. Considering that most persons are average, there is nothing wrong with trying to find happiness and joy as an average person. The average person is the one who actually makes a country work. They work everywhere around us and make the world we live in function effectively. Everyone cannot be the CEO of the company or the greatest athlete on the team. Finding joy in being average can be the key to a happy life and is for millions of persons. The psychologically well balanced average person strives to be successful and goes about it by being a good student, a good citizen, a good partner, a good friend,a good worker and someone who can enjoy the bountiful opportunities in life by not becoming obsessed with learning everything about something, being the leader of the group or the number one person at something that often requires one to lose out on many other joyful things in life. The potential joys of being average would include having extensive time for hobbies and relationships, being free of unpleasant expectations, not being robbed of the joy and peace that can come from not trying to be number one, enjoying the road of life not perturbed by their own expectations or those of others for them, having a job that pays the bills and enjoying it, and not risking burnout and disillusionment by not being obsessed with being number one. A word to the wise is to learn being number one has high potential for job burnout, feelings of failure when not being number one and potentially not having solid relationships with friends, family, a significant other, and even children due to the obsessiveness of trying to be number one at sometimes everything and spending all their time to achieve that end. Take a look at your life and see if things would be better for you if you approach life from being a joyful and happy average person versus a constantly stressed out person striving and obsessed with being number one.

April 1, 2025- Agoraphobia is an anxiety disorder that causes great discomfort with someone whenever they are in certain situations that cause them extreme anxiety. It generally ranges from such fears as being with persons, being in wide open spaces, driving in a car, standing in line, using public transportation, being in an elevator, being on a plane or many other situations where the person becomes very uncomfortable being around people or in certain anxiety producing situations. When you add panic attacks, which cause symptoms that a person can actually feel they are dying with a heart attack, it is evident that this is a very difficult situation to live with. A further complication is that some persons who have panic attacks often will go to the emergency room in the hospital because they actually believe they are dying. Typical symptoms of panic attacks include heart racing/palpitations, trembling, difficulty breathing, sweating, chest pain, shortness of breath and sometimes with the fear of dying. That is how severe the symptoms can be. Persons with agoraphobia also have many of the same symptoms of persons with social anxiety. Agoraphobia is a broader problem area because it can relate to almost any situation with or without persons. The unfortunate result of agoraphobia with panic attacks is that persons become afraid of being around other persons and can lose contact and become isolated. They also fear losing control in public or being around other persons. They may have feelings they are weird or strange and do not want to be around persons. When they do, the symptoms of panic attacks come back. They also will avoid many places where they have had difficult problems of the past such as a large or small store,a mall,an elevator, a certain seating in a car or an office or any possible situation that one can imagine. I personally have been amazed how many things can cause agoraphobia with panic attacks. This only leads to their world becoming more and more narrow. Comorbid conditions that exist with agoraphobia with panic attacks would include depression, social anxiety,OCD along with many physical symptoms that can come from having this intense emotional pressure from fears and panic attacks. In order for one to have the diagnosis, the characteristics need to have been in place for six months. Women tend to be diagnosed twice as often as men. Successful treatment usually includes some combination of medication,self help and mental health counseling that includes some aspects of cognitive behavioral therapy treatment and exposure therapy. The number of persons with agoraphobia with panic attacks are probably somewhere around 2,000,000 in the United States. While this number may not seem high, it does if you are one of the persons with this condition. You know how debilitating and difficult this can be from both a physical and emotional perspective.