Question
Dr.Braccio: My husband silifke escort ilanları and I are happy in our second marriage. When we married three years ago, all of his and my children were out of the home. The problem is that my twenty-seven year old son literally fell into our home eight months ago and shows no signs of leaving. He is an alcoholic and lost his wife and job in Chicago. He’s now putting his life in order but my husband wants him on his own. He has been very supportive of my son but says eight months is enough. His two sisters agree and feel he should be on his own. I kind of agree but also feel I’m his mother and need to help him. I find myself having secret talks with him that I don’t tell my husband or other children about. I feel bad about this. My son makes good money but feels he would relapse if he were to leave. He goes to Alcoholics Anonymous regularly and is in therapy. What do you think?
Answer
I think it has been helpful that you took him in when his life was falling apart. But now it seems reasonable for him to move into his own place. You can still offer a steady helping hand to him, but that does not mean he should live indefinitely in your home. He needs to learn to fly again on his own.
Even though marriages can have complications, to expect your husband to accept your adult son living in your home without an end in sight is not reasonable. That he has a job, is getting help and can pay his own way is positive and should make his leaving much easier. You need to plan his leaving. The three of you need to sit down and discuss the situation. You and your husband need to be united. Your husband has been tolerant to have your adult son live with you for eight months.
Encourage your son to continue in treatment to help him with any relapse problems. While you must not underestimate the relapse possibility, your son must determine what he needs to do to best and eliminate any relapse problems. He seems to be getting appropriate treatment.
You need to stop your “secret meetings’ with your son. This makes you more co-dependent in a negative way and is not healthy for the marriage. You two need to work as a team.
It is positive he goes to Alcoholics Anonymous and is in therapy. They need to be his primary support and not you.
It is possible your son is afraid to be on his own. He needs to know that when he needs support, that he can call you and spend time with you on a regular basis. With that said, his calls should only come when they are needed and not to make you worry and make each of you more co-dependent on each other.
If not already, you can do some research on alcohol addiction and also go to Alanon meetings to make you comfortable with any decision you make and the resulting follow up.
There are times in life that in spite of our limitless love for our children that we must let them go to solve their own problems. With continued emotional support from the two of you, I believe you can do this. The time to let him go is now and make your focus your marriage.
You may find you need counseling to help deal with this difficult situation.