Question
Dr.Braccio: I was in a relationship for 13 years (never married) and lived with this man the entire time with mersin esc our daughter. My daughter and I moved out six months ago after I learned he was still cheating on me. I forgave him the first time it happened four years ago. Then found out he was with the same woman and left him. Needless to say it was not a pleasant relationship. He was abusive, controlling, intimidating and he also refused to work. To make a long story short, I am afraid that he is trying to be as controlling and intimidating to our daughter. He makes her feel guilty when things do not go his way and even tells her that he doesn’t want to call her or see her anymore and that he doesn’t have a daughter anymore. He also says things like your new daddy will take care of you (I do not have a boyfriend nor am I seeing anybody). At times he has my daughter in tears. Then in a few days he tells her he loves her and that he is sorry. I feel hurt for my daughter that he is putting her through this. What can I say to him to make him understand that he is treating her like he treated me and get him to understand that it is not right of him to do? I want him to stop playing head games with her. Please help.
Answer
The situation of your daughter that you present is horrible and one that has destroyed and is destroying the lives of countless children. That the resulting self-esteem problems can last for a lifetime and by example be passed down to the next generation shows the need to stop the emotional damage being done to her as soon as possible.
Sadly, I do not believe you can convince him of the need to treat your daughter differently. He is simply treating her like he treated you. With that said, continue to defend her and strongly voice your concerns to the father. This will model appropriate assertiveness that hopefully she will use herself with him and as needed in her future relationships with other persons.
The problem is that it is very late to change the pattern. Because she grew up watching him abuse you emotionally, she appears to have most likely taken on a similar role. Even if this is true, focus on what you can do now rather than ruining the present as you condemn the effects of the past on your daughter today.
That you were able to finally escape this emotionally destructive person is a tribute to you and a great example of positive modeling for your daughter.
Because he is the father, and apparently has great influence over her feelings, as he did with you, it will be very difficult and most likely a long term project for her to strengthen to the point he is not an emotionally destructive force in her life. It is critical for her present and future mental health that she do this.
Mind games, conditional love, and demeaning names, gestures, attitudes, etc. that are harmful to her self-esteem must not be tolerated.
You can begin by telling your daughter what are acceptable and unacceptable behaviors toward her by her father and others. Use yourself as an example of what not to do. You can explain to her the process you went through that led you from being abused to setting yourself free.
Try to seek out friends that model human respect. Male role models could be particularly useful as a counterbalance to her father. Church and community activities could help make such persons available to both of you.
A counselor experienced in the abusive type of relationship your daughter has with her father could be very helpful if the situation does not improve.