Question
Dr.Braccio: My husband and I do not konya merkez bayan arkadaş deal with anger well. When I’m mad and hurt, he knows about it right away. I yell louder and louder and nag him to get my point across and get a reaction from him. This never works. He pretends like he’s going along with me but I know better. With him, I never know how he feels until he explodes over the smallest of things. We have a young child and both worry he’ll not be helped by our anger problems. For his sake and our sake, we want to end this anger nonsense. We love each other but we’re confused about how to resolve this problem. He said he tries to get along and doesn’t like to argue. But things build in him and he can’t contain how he feels. What do you think we should do?
Answer
The positive thing is that you love each other and want to resolve the anger problems. The negative thing is that each of your approaches to anger is often destructive to the relationship. The end result is not only anger and hurt, but love can also go if you do not find effective ways to express and resolve your anger and what causes it.
It appears your anger either intimidates him, turns him off or confuses him to the point he does not know how to respond. The problem is that his anger gradually builds up in him when he is not reacting until he explodes over something else that seems very small. It is like the saying, “The straw that broke the camel’s back”.
On your side, your anger grows and grows because his not responding will not help you to resolve your anger when it begins.
Even though you both deal with anger differently, the end result is that you both yell and lose control of yourselves.
You both need to be able to discuss your feelings openly so anger can be an emotion that can lead to positive interactions as you problem solve on what makes you upset. Levels of anger in each of you would be greatly reduced if you could openly discuss concerns when they arise in a manner comfortable for each of you.
Your husband needs to understand anger in marriage is a normal emotion one develops due to hurt, frustration, feelings of being minimized, not being heard, taken advantage of, etc. The way to resolve anger is to discuss it openly, honestly, and in a sensitive manner whereby neither person is hurt and feels defensive.
A helpful concept for both of you would be to see anger about the other to be “our anger problem” rather than “mine” and “yours”. It is analogous to being a “couple “versus” two individuals”.
If each of you can see anger as a joint problem, it can be easier to resolve. Both of you will have a personal stake in resolving it. Each of you can begin by trying to present your anger in “I feel” statements rather than “You make me angry” statements. Such statements show how you feel rather than to put blame on the other for your feelings.
You need to listen to your husband when he has trouble speaking to help him feel comfortable to discuss anger. Your getting angrier and angrier about something does not work because eventually he is the one who gets angry over an unrelated matter. The result is that no one is satisfied and anger and resentment grow inside of each of you.
The reasons “why” these anger incidents occur are not nearly as important as to “how” you choose to express them. You need to gain the skills and the “tools” to invest your emotional energies constructively and creatively. Often times, a couple gets locked into poor patterns of communicating their thoughts and feelings; the healthiest resolve is to simply gain information and learn techniques to facilitate this exchange of thoughts and emotions. Seek out a therapist experienced in anger management if you cannot resolve these anger problems on your own. These techniques can be taught on a short term basis with assistance of a competent therapist.
If there is a spiritual component to your life, a marriage encounter weekend might also be helpful.