You Can’t Protect Your Children Forever
Question
Dr.Braccio: I try konya merkez eskort to shield our children from disappointments. The problem is they seem to be bothered more and more about anything as they get older. My husband has always said I go too far in protecting them. Now, I must agree. My intentions have been good but my nine and ten year olds were so depressed and down a whole evening and into the next day when they could not see the movie we wanted to go to because all tickets were sold out. They were very upset and made a scene. I even tried to buy tickets from persons in line until my husband gently pulled me away. What should I do? My behavior and theirs is typical these days. I’m feeling very ineffective as a mother.
Answer
You are a loving mother. The problem is that you are trying to make a very imperfect earth perfect for your children. Many dysfunctional and chronically unhappy persons are in effect “created” because they never learn to deal with the normal ups and downs of life. Do not let this happen to your children. Emotional resiliency is a very health quality that is fostered through the learning of skills and adaption of attitudes through the trial-and-error, cause-and-effect experiences in our lives.
How one deals with adversity and challenge in life often determines a person’s character. To take “the road less traveled” and effectively help self and others is a choice a person makes after learning to effectively and humanely deal with problems one encounters in life. To engender these characteristics, skills and attitudes, you will need to model and practice them.
The key life quality you need to develop is balance If a bully is beating up one of your children at school, then you need to intervene on their behalf. On the other hand, if your child is just not getting along with someone or the person is just not being nice, you can advise your child on how to address the problem but do not become heavily involved and get mad at the other child or call his parents. That usually will only enhance the problem in the long run.
For your children to be so depressed over not being able to go to a movie for an extended period of time and making a scene is not normal even with a broad definition of “normal”. Disappointment would be reasonable, but not sulking and being depressed for a “whole evening and into the next day”.
Because the beliefs and behaviors of you and the children are so ingrained, you will have a very hard time making the changes you will need to do to help your children be able to deal with the normal disappointments in life. Accept that you love your children and have indeed given them a good life. To now show your love, you must let them cry, be hurt and sort out normal problems for themselves unless something very bad is happening to them. To be supportive and an available loving parent giving good advice is good parenting. You need to separate your esteem as a parent from your children’s emotional mood manipulations. In this way, you can develop a more supportive and effective loving approach to your relationship with your children.
The following are some things you can do:
1. Work with your husband to get perspective and consistency in your treatment of the children. His involvement could bring a positive force to help solve the problem.
2. Be an adviser to your children to help teach them to appropriately assess problems and how to solve them.
3. Admit to your children you have been too involved in their lives and need to back off.
4. Have family meetings to discuss how to appropriately deal with everyday life problems.
5. When problems occur and your children get unreasonably depressed and upset, help them use positive self-talk to give them a positive outlook. This is key because what we think strongly determines how we feel. You need to work on this yourself. Examples would be as follows:
Negative Self-Talk: “Life sucks because it’s raining and we can’t ride our bikes.” Positive Self-Talk: “Find something else to do and have fun. Ride your bikes when the sun comes out.”
Negative Self-Talk: “I wanted to see Bill today. He’s not home. My whole day’s ruined”.
Positive Self-Talk: “Call someone else. Find things to do.” Negative Self-Talk: “All the seats are sold for the movie. I’m so down and feel horrible.”
Positive Self-Talk: “Let’s pick another one. We also can go tomorrow and see it. The world is going to go on.”
You may find an experienced therapist could help you have appropriate perspective on what happens to your children and their reactions.
The road to change will be hard and slow, but the end result of well-balanced children who can deal with the regular rigors of life is worth the effort.

Question:
Dr.Braccio: I’ve been having some bad feelings about my parenting and the attitude of my 10 and 11 year mersin anamur eskort bayanları old children. My parents and three brothers are all very successful and have been very generous with us. My husband and their father left us alone years ago, lives far away, helps raise his girlfriend’s children, and sends nothing for the support of his own children. The problem is that one brother said I was raising unappreciative brats who demand and do not know how to say “thank you”. He had just taken them on a trip and they wanted everything they saw. I talked to my mother, even though more gently, she agreed with my brother. Even though it hurt her to tell me, she says she does feel my children are not grateful and even demanding. And worse yet, not appreciative like the other children whose parents are well off and help us. I guess I’ve wrongly felt we deserve things from our family because of how hard we’ve had it. I guess this has not been right. My dad also agrees. He says they’ve tried to tell me their feelings, but they obviously have not been direct enough. He simply said to have them say “thank you” more and teach them to be appreciative. He says that’s my job. What do you think? I know everyone loves us and will help.
Answer:
Your dad is right. They need to be appreciative and say thank you. I might add, the “thank you” needs to be sincere. Your dad is also right when he says that is your job.
That your life has been difficult is true. It also is true you are fortunate to have generous and loving parents, brothers, and their families. What is also true is that your children need to show appreciation when people help. That these person do it out of love for you is reason to show love back by being appreciative. As the old Spanish saying goes, ‘Love pays back with love’, (Amor se paga with amor.)
You need to have a heart to heart discussion with your children and tell them to be humble and appreciative. Let them clearly know they must always sincerely say “thank you” and not expect more and more things from family. Say their life would be much worse without the generous love and support of family. They must focus not on how unfair life has been to them, but rather how fortunate they are to have a loving, supportive, and generous family.
Of particular concern is that the children of your brothers are appreciative and yours are not. This does relate to parenting and your apparent unwillingness to set some appreciation limits for them. Even though the lack of parenting by the father is disgraceful, for your children to grow up unappreciative of what is done for them is a terrible outcome. Do not allow a “victim mentality” to overcome them when they expect things because of how bad the father is.
To meet with your family to discuss this situation could be helpful. Include your children in the process. You all need to work together to help teach them to be appreciative. With the love you all have, success can come if you all work together. I think you can and will.

Question:
Dr.Braccio: We recently had a blow up argument with our seventeen year old kocasinan eskort son. He’s been finding a lot of faults in us recently. It has gotten particularly bad since he began dating a girl from a home where he says they live according to how they speak. We’re good people, but do often excessively drink, swear and smoke. We also fight a lot and compete over anything. His older brother and sister adapt to us and are like us. Because he’s such a solid person, we at least are trying to look at ourselves more closely. We’ve also quit blaming her and her family for his new attitude. She is really nice and her family open and clearly good people. We’re confused and question our own behaviors. What should we do?
Answer
You need to model the behaviors you want your children to exhibit. Drinking, swearing, fighting and smoking are behaviors most parents would not want to model for their children.
Based on your own description of yourselves, it is reasonable for your son to have concerns and voice them about the behavior and overall environment of his family home.
Your lifestyle, while it may seem comfortable in its habits to you, does not provide your son with a feeling of pride, security or connectivity. If those are your values as good people, then adapting your lifestyle may benefit all of you in far ranging ways.
You need to decide the type of home you want. If you choose to live as you do, and that is your choice, you may definitely continue to lose your son’s respect over time. The fact you “are questioning your own behaviors” shows you are considering changes in your home. I think that would be a good idea. Who you determine to be as individuals will determine the kind of home environment you will have.
The following are some changes to consider that could make your home life more moderate and acceptable to everyone. You would also find there predictably would be a growth in respect, love and family unity if you try some of these changes.
1. Drink in moderation. To get drunk is not attractive or good for the health. It also can lead to inappropriate, atypical, and even dangerous behaviors.
2. Swearing is demeaning to the person doing it and to whomever the swearing may relate. Not swearing only has positives, while abusive language only has negatives.
3. It is never too late to question our values and behaviors. A new growing process can ring some great rewards to your family.
4. Fighting a lot and constant competition are very stressful. Question yourselves here: How much do you smoke, drink, and swear as a tension relief from fighting and unhealthy competing with one another? Are these actually self and family defeating behaviors?
5. Continue to support your son’s sense of values and respect his needs for life-enhancing behaviors.
You need to use the conflict to make changes that will make all of you as individuals and a family more effective, loving and unified. It is possible with a lot of soul searching and hard work.

Question:
Dr.Braccio: My long time card playing friends karatay eskort and I have been debating what leadership is. Our views range from micro-managing to pretty much expecting employees to be motivated to do their best. What do you think?
Answer:
You are proving that everyone has a basic idea of what leadership is there is little agreement on what it actually is.
I would argue that leadership is the ability to effectively give a vision to others to do something and direct the task to a satisfactory completion with support and even enthusiasm of team members. The leader’s role is the same whether the organization is a home or huge corporation or government office.
The following are some key characteristics that an effective leader must have.
1. Can motivate and even inspire persons to do their best and even help staff develop abilities they never knew they had.
2. Can present his or her vision of how something is to be accomplished that others can understand and have a desire to do.
3. Is trusted and persons are willing to follow.
4. Is respected without using fear or demeaning attitude.
5. Gives information and wisdom without arrogance or looking down on the person.
6. Sees the value in everyone and makes sure each person knows this.
7. Is honest with the person who cannot do the job.
The following are a few historical quotes that I believe are right on point.
1. Aristotle. He who never learned to obey cannot be a good commander.
2. Proverbs. Where this is no vision, the people perish.
3. Napoleon. A leader is a dealer in hope.
4. Martin Luther King, Jr. The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy.
5. James Thomas. An eagle was never yet hatched from a goose egg.
6. John Adams. If your actions inspire others to dream more, learn more, do more and become more, you are a leader.
7. Publins Syrns. The greater a man is in power above others, the more he ought to excel them in virtue. None ought to govern who is not better than those governed.
8. Ginseppe Garibaldi. A bold onset is half the battle.
My response will hopefully give information for your card group to discuss. As a leader must individually search for the right combination of skills to effectively complete his or her work, it is important each of us develop our own leadership skills to help ourselves be effective as leader or as a team member helping the leader and team members effectively complete the task at hand.

Question:
Dr.Braccio: I am struggling with moving my fourth and fifth grade anamur eskort kızlar children to a school where my husband’s two other children go to school. They are accepted as school of choice students but I feel like I’m deserting some parents who don’t have my choice for one reason or another. The problem has been there for years. We’ve consistently seen a few students in each class throughout the school be disrespectful to teachers and cause problems on the playground. The teachers see the problems but are powerless. The principal has promised over and over again to make changes but never does. We even went over her head but to no avail. She has even told us to be sensitive to these children. I’m not the first parent to leave and will not be the last. My husband says it makes sense to have the children together, but I feel guilty. For their part, my children are more than ready to move. They do not like the disrespect either. That is not how I’ve raised them. What do you think?
Answer:
Ultimately, a parent’s responsibility is to attempt to make sure the children go to a school where not only academic excellence is expected and taught, but also that the students are expected to respect adults, each other, and most certainly, the teacher.
While I have respect for parochial and other non-public schools for their success, I believe the public school is the cornerstone upon which our society is built. I also believe that the vast majority of teachers are excellent and continue to forge our ever changing and growing population into productive and giving United States citizens. The key is that they be allowed to teach in a good educational environment where learning can flourish.
With that said, if you are not satisfied where your children attend school, and feel there is a chronic lack of respect for teachers and students, and you have actively tried to change things, then to go to another public school that reflects your educational outlook seems reasonable.
That your children and husband support the change is positive as well as that all the children will go to school together.
If you and other parents are leaving the school due to a perceived lack of administrative control, hopefully the principal and/or school district will make necessary changes. In this day of tight school budgets, a district must do all it can to retain and even attract other students.
While I agree with the principal that you need to be sensitive to the problems of students in your school, I would argue the responsibility of the principal is to all students and that classrooms must have respectful and controlled environments. To argue otherwise is very poor educational policy.
To be sensitive to those students does not include the need to tolerate unacceptable, anti-social behaviors and/or attitudes from them. Sensitively includes compassion, but it does not exclude justice.
I also would argue the principal needs to find interventions and strategies to address disrespectful and disruptive students in the classroom and on the playground. This can include the individual or joint efforts of the school counselor, school social worker, school psychologist, principal, teachers, central office staff or outside experts working with all involved persons.
You obviously have guilt and mixed feelings about moving your children to a new school. To have mixed feelings under the circumstances would be reasonable; however, guilt is not reasonable because you are doing this with the goal of enhancing the educational opportunity of your children. It also is true this problem has been in place for some years and you are still not satisfied there is an honest attempt to solve it. That all four children will be in the same school is also a positive.
It appears that you have exercised your reasonable options to effect changes toward a more acceptable environment for your children. Perhaps it’s not guilt you feel as much as your own sense of powerlessness in this situation. Don’t expend any more of your precious, personal energy on emotions that will avail nothing. As you are now, continue to promote positive educational change for your children that will enhance the happiness and self-esteem of the whole family.

Question
Dr.Braccio: Our sixteen year old daughter is popular but seems way too concerned that her friends approve of her konya merkez olgun bayan and what she does. We have tried to stay out of it but worry. In spite o f all her successes and friendships, she cannot enjoy herself because she always worries about what others think of her and what she does. What’s wrong and what should we do?
Answer
Your daughter is confusing legitimate recognition by her friends of her achievements with a false need for their approval. To be recognized for what she does is positive. To desire this is only human. To have her self-worth determined by this recognition or approval is negative and puts her on a life path where she will never approve of herself unless others do.
Even though this problem is common at all ages, it is sadly very common with teenagers. For the sake of her mental health, you need to try to help her change her outlook now.
As parents, you can do the following:
1. Consistently encourage her to be an independent person. Shakespeare said it best” “This above all: to thine own self be true”.
2. Advise her that she must meet reasonable standards and be proud when she meets them.
3. Tell her that recognition or approval is positive but must not determine how she perceives herself or her achievements.
4. Help her be aware true friendships are not superficial and are based on mutual respect and not how popular we are on a given day. True friendships last for years. In effect, a true friend is a part of us.
5. Prepare her for the times her “friends” may reject, criticize, or subtlety put her down. The emotional pain will be far less if she is secure in herself and has the strength to defend her decisions and acts.
6. Help her see that “another person”, and not herself, will control her life if she needs approval of others to be happy with herself. This is a key concept she must understand.
7. Use difficult “friendship” times for her as teaching moments to help her put approval in perspective.
This will be a difficult situation to change in the short run because most teenagers have this problem to some degree and she appears to have it at a relatively strong level. Do not get discouraged with yourselves or her if she does not change quickly. Just keep using the suggestions mentioned above and success will come.

Question:
Dr.Braccio: My husband konya merkez bayan arkadaş and I generally get along fine. The problem is that every now and then he explodes and becomes verbally abusive. We never can figure out why he snaps. This seems to be happening more frequently. In fact he has twice broken his New Year’s Resolution not to get verbally abusive. He doesn’t become physically abusive but is pretty hateful and scary. I’m asking your advice because you helped a friend of mine and her husband in your Anger Management Program who had similar problems. What should I do? We love each other. I do not want things to get worse but our marriage is at risk.
Answer:
The saying “love is not enough” seems to fit your situation. Abusive behavior has no place in any human encounter let alone when you say you love each other. You need a more patient and kind love without abusive treatment.
The following is necessary to protect yourself and help him. I would talk to him as you set up these minimal common sense standards to protect yourself. You actually are protecting him from himself and vastly improving your prospects for a peaceful and loving marriage.
1. Clearly set up boundaries for his verbal behavior.
2. Leave the situation physically when he breaks the set up boundaries.
3. Be safe. Do not ever allow him to bully or intimidate you verbally or physically. This is not yet a problem physically but aggressive spouses often begin verbally abusing and over time become physically abusive. The danger is increasing because of his more frequent verbal abusive behavior. Let him know without a doubt the police will be called if he physically strikes you.
4. If you cannot implement the above basic strategies, seek out counseling as your friend did. The long range trend for your marriage is not good without change.
Ideally, your husband will seek out Anger Management for himself to sort out why he is giving you inappropriate abusive anger. He needs to identify the anger triggers and try out new strategies with someone who can set up a supportive yet honest therapeutic environment to help him understand and change his behaviors.
These recommendations can be helpful but are basic.
You can also look at our website to see what we have on Anger Management.
Please contact me if I can be of further help.

Question:
Dr.Braccio: Our home has been in turmoil since our fourteen kocasinan bayan arkadaş year old daughter began dating a controlling sixteen year old. Up until she met him, she was very close with us, the rest of her family and her friends. Even though superciliously charming, he’s completely jealous of her, wants to know where she is all the time, is pushing her away from her friends and us, treats her like she’s his property, and our daughter worries about getting him upset. My husband is ready to end the relationship. Her friends and everyone in the family agree with him. The school principal even mentioned some concerns when we ran into each other at the mall. I worry if we try to break them up that it will get worse and she’ll go with him anyway. What do you think?
Answer:
I think your husband and “her friends and everyone in the family” are right. This relationship needs to end immediately. It is emotional abuse.
As you describe his jealousy, wanting to know where she is at all times, isolating her from others, treating her as his property, and her worrying about getting him mad, are all key signs of the abusive personality and resulting relationship. Even though you did not mention it and maybe you just do not know, but physical abuse in such a situation as this is highly probably now or in the near future.
This is not a decision where there can be compromise. The relationship must end immediately. Even if your daughter is upset and he will “pursue his prey”, good parenting demands you save her from this emotionally abusive predator.
At 14, you clearly have the responsibility to make some key decisions about her friends. That she has been close to you, gives you solid base to use as you clearly go contrary to her desires and end this relationship.
At a basic level, for now and the foreseeable future, you need to decide how close of a dating relationship a fourteen year old should have. I believe a fourteen year old who dates needs plenty of time away from that person with peers and family. I also think it is questionable if a fourteen year old is best served by any dating relationship that is intense, exclusive, and keeps the person away from family and friends. This time is best used to develop skills for good friendships with boys and girls. Serious relationships can come later.
Let her know you love her and care for her as you firmly tell her the relationship is over. Let him know he is not welcome in your home or in the company of your daughter. Tell the principal and school counselor about your concerns and that you desire him to stay away from her. Fortunately, the principal is aware of the problem.
To have the school counselor regularly talk to your daughter during this upcoming period when she is not seeing him would be helpful. You will need all the help you can get to break his grip on her . A therapist away from school who is familiar with emotional abuse could also be helpful.
A further concern you have is why she is attracted to such a person. Self-esteem issues need to be addressed so this does not happen again.
Be prepared for a difficult period as you end this abusive relationship. Patience, understanding, and a lot of love will be needed by all of you to get back to where you were. She can potentially become a stronger person if she learns from this abusive relationship.

Christmas is a great kocasinan bayan arkadaş National Holiday to celebrate. For Christians, it is the birth of the Savior, Jesus Christ. For non-Christians it is the birth of a great human being who set a high standard for all humans and their behavior.
A few good standards for all to live by would be:
1. “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.”
2. “To whom much is given, much is expected.”
While many persons sadly find Christmas a difficult day due to life conditions, it is a time we all need to find things to be grateful. It also is a time for those of us who are joyful to reach out to help others get in the Christian Spirit.
I talked on Christmas on the “Tony Conley Radio Show” in Lansing on 12/20/11. Please email me if you would like me to send you the radio segment by email.
Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah and Happy Holidays!

Hello Everyone!
On 12/13/11, I discussed Leadership on the Tony Conley Radio Show on 1320 a.m., Lansing, Michigan.If you desire to hear kocasinan eskort bayan it let me know and we will email it to you as a service.
Leadership is the ability to guide or direct an activity to successful completion. The organization directed can be as basic as a home or as involved as a huge international company or head of state.
The ability to lead is both inherited and learned. A person’s voice quality, physical appearance, intuitive analysis of people and situations and inward drive are inherited. Charm also is a quality one can observe but it is hard to determine whether the characteristic is inherited, developed or is in many cases, a combination of both.
Life experiences, training and good models to observe and learn from are factors that can mold whatever inherited abilities one has into effective leadership
The following are a few key abilities leaders have to show true leadership.
1. Motivate and even inspire people to do their best.
2. Present a vision others can believe in and seek to accomplish.
3. Trusted by others.
4. Willingness by others to listen and follow.
5. Respect others.
6. Approachable and accepting of their suggestions and ideas.
7. Gives information in way that is helpful to the vision and goals of the organization.
John Adams, the second President of the United States of America, gave the following statement on leadership that is a model for those in current or potential leadership positions: “If your actions inspire others to dream more, learn more, do more and become more, you are a leader.”
I am in the process of putting together a presentation on Leadership that will be available in download on my website in the near future.
If you have any questions, comments or suggestions, please feel free to contact me directly.

Question
Dr.Braccio: We have a touchy situation with karatay escort kızlar my mother-in-law. She looks after our two children after school until one of us picks them up at 5:30 or so. The concern is that we’re all way overweight and are trying to lose weight as a family. Our family doctor has us on a diet. She’s sabotaging us with the children by giving them every fatty food and drink you can imagine. As we cut back at home, she seems to be trying to shovel in more food into their mouths. She sometimes even gives them huge pieces of lasagna before they come home to eat. It seems we’re in a contest of wills. She says they won’t get fat at her house if we watch what they eat the rest of the time. We hate this but she does help us and we don’t want to fight with her. She and her husband are also very overweight. What should we do?
Answer
You and your husband need to firmly take on your parenting role. That the grandmother helps is positive but her not respecting the diet of the children is unacceptable and must change.
The first thing to do is for you and your husband to meet and clearly decide how you will address this problem. Do not meet with her unprepared or you may have a messy argument where everyone will be hurt and angry.
I suggest you jointly and firmly say how much you love her and appreciate her help with the children and the love she shows them with food and care. However, let her know the family is under doctor’s care for the weight problem. State she cannot sabotage this and please only give them what the two of you approve.
If she resists and says she will do as she pleases, then you need to make the decision to not let the children stay with her after school. This may be difficult, but this lack of respect for your parenting is such that you will lose the respect of your children if you give in to her. They also well remain overweight.
You also cannot put the children in the middle of the conflict. It would not be fair to ask them to defy their grandmother and not eat what she gives them. The adult is their grandmother and you need to expect adult behavior from her.
In addition to possible sabotage, it is possible the grandmother sees giving food as an expression of love. She may believe the joy she sees on their faces when eating lasagna outweighs any worries about weight. Considering everyone is overweight, this is very possible. Hopefully, she will gain a better perspective of what you are doing and what is healthy.
I hope this all works out in a manner that the grandmother changes and everyone can live happily as a loving family. If not, that will sadly be the choice of their grandmother. I would predict if you are firm, sensitive and filled with love that this will work out in a satisfactory manner.