As with any child, if you believe she is having observable problems, as necessary, bring in experts who can identify potential problems with remedies.  For now, enjoy your mentally healthy daughter.  She must be a delight for you.

Any questions or comments would be appreciated!

Question

Dr.Braccio:  I am a single mother with three daughters ages 13, konya merkez escort kızlar 17 and 20.  My two younger daughters get along well (with the usual sibling bickering) and when my 20 year old isn’t around, we have a quite cohesive home.  However, my 20 year old is a handful.  She just finished her second year of college and thankfully, obtained a job this summer that is almost full time.  The problem is that when she is home, she resorts to things that I think a 20 year old should be beyond.  She lies about the simplest of things, she breaks curfew by climbing out her bedroom window and staying out all night, she lies about who she’s been out with and where she is going, she lies to her co-workers about being kicked out of the house or being sick or injured and on and on.  When she’s not lying, she is taking her sister’s clothing and money.  First off, she has gained over fifty pounds this past year alone and can’t fit into any of her sister’s clothing so, when she does take it, she ruins the item.  I have tried to address this by stating that needs to respect other people’s property.  I ask her how she would feel if her sisters took her money or clothing.  Nothing seems to sink in.  She will stop for a few days and then start all over.  I am feeling like I failed her somehow.  Here she is 20 years old and I don’t trust her to be in my house by herself.  I don’t’ trust anything she says, and if something comes up missing, I immediately suspect her.  In addition, I’m so disappointed in her weight and the fact that she lied about what she has eaten when I know she’s eating the whole box of crackers that sits empty on the shelf.  I have tried to support her by getting her a summer membership to Weight Watchers and celebrating her small successes.  However, as soon as I do anything encouraging, it seems that she resorts back to overeating, lying, stealing and sneaking around.  I am at my wits end with his very immature 20 year old.  What am I doing wrong?

Answer

You are allowing an adult to cause great havoc in your home.  You need to determine how she will behave in your home and must be willing to make her leave if she will not follow the rules that you spell out.  The primary problem for you seems to be your inability to stop being the mother who must save her from herself.  For now, you obviously do not have that ability.  You need to begin by determining what standards of behavior are appropriate for you to have for her.  Her weight is not a reasonable condition for you to have in order for her to stay in your home.  Lying, stealing, taking clothes of her sisters and ruining them and not keeping a house curfew are reasons for her to not stay.  The lying and stealing are at the top of the list of what is unacceptable in your home.  Both are essential cornerstones in a good family relationship.  That she eats too much and is heavy is her problem and as one adult to another, I would suggest you not set it up as a condition to live in your home.

The following are what would help you again take control of your home.

1.  Determine exactly what the rules of the house will be for her.

2.  Make sure they basically relate to her lying, stealing, breaking curfew in a sneaky manner as well as stealing money from her sisters and taking their clothes without their permission.  That she destroys the clothes makes her behavior doubly bad.

3.  Clearly determine exactly what you will do if she breaks the rules.

4.  Never waver from what you threaten to do.

5.  Have a family meeting to put everything in the air.  Make sure she does not try to intimate you and take control.

6.  Let her know she must leave if certain behaviors continue. Make sure she is aware what they are and there is no doubt what will occur.

7.  Be committed to making her leave if the behaviors continue.  Do not make a threat if you will not follow through.

8.  Recognize you do not help her by allowing her totally unacceptable behaviors.  It also erodes the respect your other daughters have for you and further destroys the relationship they may have with her.

This will be very hard for you as it would be for most parents.  In spite of her outrageous behavior, you love her and want her to succeed.  But to have her so destructive and disrespectful of you and her sisters is unacceptable.  She also is a horrible example for her sisters to observe and be forced to live with.  You and they deserve a peaceful home.

The time is long past for this needed action on your part.  Because you love her and want her to succeed as a whole person and not just academically, you must do this for her as well as for you and your younger daughters.  The time to put your action plan in motion is now.

Any questions or comments would be appreciated.

Question 

Dr.Braccio:  My thirteen year old son has caused me and his grandmother, who silifke eskort ilanları lives with us and helps raise him, a lot of hurt lately with lying over stupid things.  He tries to minimize it by saying all kids lie to their parents and grandparents and we’re going overboard.  We may have reached him a few days ago when we were so mad and hurt that we cried and really gave it to him.  His grandmother said she looks after him when I work to make his life better and I work hard to give him a good life.  We both said we only want him to be truthful.  He now says he will.  We have no close family and it is basically the three of us.  We wonder what we can say to reinforce the importance of telling the truth.  Are we going overboard?

Answer

You are not going overboard.  A person’s word is critical to how others evaluate his or her quality as a human being.  No one respects a liar.  A liar cannot have a true friend.  Truth is critical to any type of meaningful relationship.  The more you can help him understand this the better.  That both of you had to cry and get so upset may have worked this time but most likely will not over time unless he continues to be committed to telling the truth.  Even if it is true that some children do lie to their parents and grandparents, it is still very inappropriate and you will not allow it.  Consequences for lying need to be determined and spelled out to him if his lying continues.

The following are some key concepts for you both to use with him.  You need to try to interject them in your day to day conversations.

1.  A minimal and critical standard in any important relationship is the truth.  There can be no compromise.

2.  It is morally wrong to lie from a right versus wrong outlook.  This is true from either a spiritual or secular perspective.

3.  Trust is a quality that must be earned over time through honest interactions.

4.  It is hurtful to those who care when someone lies to them.  Your situation is a good example.

5.  One’s self-esteem becomes battered over time when one becomes “a liar”.  Guilt and fear of getting caught will minimize the quality of one’s life.

6.  Good and bad habits are developed through repetition.  To become a liar is a habit never to develop and one to break if ever developed.

7.  Liars have bad reputations among good people.  Liars limit their interactions to only other liars and people with low standards for the behavior of others.

8.  Children that lie damage relationships with friends and family that leads to less benefits in the form of love, caring and respect.

Any questions or comments would be appreciated.

Question

Dr.Braccio:  I just heard you on the radio as a guest talking about ADD but was not able to call in konya merkez olgun bayan with a question.  I’m very upset with my parents.  Our hard working nine year old daughter has been diagnosed with both ADD and a Reading Disability.  She is a wonderful and sensitive girl who has taken a lot over the past few years due to her disabilities.  She has a tutor and we and the school work hard with her and she is doing fairly well.  What I’m mad about is that my parents say ADD is a bunch of bunk and our daughter is lazy and has no reading problem.  They have said this to us and we have ignored them but now we know they’ve been telling her this all the time when she is alone with them.  I guess my father is quite aggressive when he talks to her and tells her to shape up.  She was afraid to tell us and has been scared to be with them alone.  She cried last time we were going to drop her off.  We felt horrible when she told us what has been happening.  My husband is mad and is ready to confront them.  Our daughter is very intimidated by them and wants us to do nothing.  For now, my husband says he will do nothing but says something has to change.  To make things worse, an unmarried sister lives with my parents and has been saying the same thing.  I’m so mad but hate to start a big family fight.  My two sisters say they will not change and to ignore them and have my daughter do the same thing.  What do you think?

Answer

You need to say something.  This is a form of bullying.  Your daughter, though no fault of her own, has ADD and a reading disability.  She needs encouragement and support rather than psychological abuse, intimidation and bullying.

Even if your parents mean well, their approach is hurtful and destructive to her self-esteem.  Your daughter needs to know you are defending her and that she does not have to put up with bullying, regardless of the intent of your parents and sister.  It makes her feel insecure by their saying in effect she is the cause of her problems.  That is mean spirited, untrue and unfair.  She has already been through enough in her young life.

You need to emphatically tell them not only are they wrong but they are damaging the self-esteem of your wonderful daughter.  Let them know this is not acceptable and you will not allow it anymore.

To allow this to occur and ignore it would be poor parenting.  While I know persons unfortunately need to adapt to insensitive persons in life when it cannot be controlled, this is a controllable situation and must end.

Sadly, too many in our society criticize persons with disabilities because they do not understand them and choose to criticize rather than get educated.  Hopefully, your directness can help them see the truth and be helpful.  If not, they will suffer by not being an active part in the life of both of you and their wonderful granddaughter or niece.

At a level she can understand, you can tell your daughter she does not have to put up with this type of behavior.  Explain her disabilities to her if you have not.  She needs to know they are real, not her fault and that she with effort and support can be successful and happy in life.

Any questions or comments would be appreciated!

2.  Determine jointly where the line will be drawn with their sibling rivalry.  Be aware competition and fighting for position are normal and you need to accept this and know they need to learn how to problem solve on their own.  You can set up a healthy environment where this can take place.

3.  Family meetings to discuss sibling rivalry and gather input from your children would be helpful.  As parents, you set the limits on their behaviors and set up specific consequences if they break the rules.  To get agreement from them on what is appropriate behavior and consequences when they are broken would be helpful but good parenting demands you make the ultimate decisions to have reasonable sibling rivalry.  They need to know the choice is to be civil or lose their privileges.

4.  Applaud good interaction and problem solving between them.  This may be the best way to get the behaviors you desire.  Most people are motivated when we notice and praise good things about them.

I believe you will have good success if you are decisive and very clear cut with the behavioral expectations and consequences for inappropriate and destructive attitudes and behaviors.

When all is said and done, you need to parent in a manner you are comfortable.  Follow the dictates of your own heart and conscience.

If the first meeting works out well, then you can decide how to integrate your children in with the rest of the family.  If, and there are a lot of ifs, you get this far, be aware family members will initially all treat you differently, from embracing you to being standoffish.  Accept that and be open to communication as is possible.  It will be surprising if the children were not loved and accepted.  If that is not true, then good parenting requires you to not allow them to be involved with persons who would hurt them.

This family journey will be difficult.  The rewards for the children of being part of a larger family make the risks acceptable.  Go slowly and see what happens.  It also could atone for the anger your acts caused to the family of your late husband.  This could be a time of forgiveness and positive family growth for the whole family.

Any questions or comments would be appreciated.

This transition from guilt and dependence to mature love and mutual respect will be very difficult for both of you.  Your mother cannot let you go and you cannot take your freedom.

You must make good decisions for you.  Accept guilt is a useless emotion in this case and gradually, if not already, will lead to anger and tremendous resentment towards your mother.  A starting point would be to meet with your sisters to discuss this situation and hopefully set some direction.  If they cannot help you, a therapist experienced in such matters could be helpful.

Any questions or comments would be appreciated.

Question

Dr.Braccio:  My nine year old son knows silifke eskort ilanları how to push all my buttons.  He puts things off and always wants to do later what I want him to do now.  I talk to him, argue with him and plead with him to be more responsible for himself.  He fights with me, seems to give in and then does what he wants.  His brother and sister are not like this.  He’s generally good at school and definitely does whatever his “old school” father tells him to do.  His father tells me our son is the parent and is training me.  I try to be a balance to the hard line of my husband.  My mother laughs and agrees with him.  What do you think?  What should I do?

Answer

You need to take control of the parenting of your son.  In an odd way, your mother and husband are right.  He is basically training you to be upset at him all the time and he ends up doing what he wants.  You are like his battling sister rather than a mother.

You have gone too far in trying to be a balance to his “old school” father.  For at least until you get back in control, you need to take up this approach.  You can listen to your son, but final decisions need to be yours.

It is relatively common for one parent to balance out another parent when one is stern and the other is more easygoing.  Many times this arrangement results in well-adjusted children.  In your home, this appears to be happening with the exception of the relationship between you and your son.  Now is the time to get that relationship in a healthy parent-child mode.

Begin by enlisting the support of your husband.  I predict he will be more than ready to help out.  Because the other two of your children do not behave this way with you, specifically address your concerns with him.  You and your husband can meet with him and say the game is over and you are now taking up your legitimate role as his mother.  Specifically spell out expectations and have consequences when he refuses to do what he needs to do.  For example, if he does not take the trash out by the time you set, then he will not be able to watch television or something else he wants that day.  The key is for you to be consistent and carry through with consequences.

Always remember that your goal as a parent is to raise a responsible child who is respectful to his parents and others.  Your son is not that way with you.  Common sense and good parenting demand you end this problem situation now.  I am sure you will.

Any questions or comments would be appreciated.

5.  Successful experiences in overcoming fear will hopefully make him be less fearful and ready to try new things.  He needs you to guide him through these experiences that let him become less fearful.  The goal is simply for him to try new things and enjoy them.

6.  Model a positive attitude when trying new things.  Together you both can see how exciting new experiences can be.

Progress will predictably be slow.  Ingrained behaviors are slow to change.  Do not worry about this.  Do your best and keep at it.  Success will come and you and your son will be so much happier as you live less fearful lives.

Any questions or comments would be appreciated.

Question

Dr.Braccio:  The Boston Bombings are really causing konya merkez kadın escort us turmoil.  My husband and I want to run in the Lansing Marathon this weekend but are scared there could be another bombing.  What do we do?

Answer

The Boston Bombings were despicable acts of evil.  We must not let terrorists control our lives.  On the other hand, to take unreasonable risks would be foolhardy and potentially dangerous.  With that said, I would talk to local police authorities and find out what precautions are being made and if any threats are foreseen.  If the two of you feel secure that the marathon is safe, you should go.  In a free society, agents of fear, terrorism and pure evil cannot be allowed to control the lives of good citizens.  To continue living as normal a life as possible destroys the goal of the terrorists and proves murder and mayhem will not break the will of a free and generally spiritual society.

Any questions or comments would be appreciated.

Question

Dr.Braccio:  We continue to help my husband’s two over 50 year old siblings and even their adult children with anamur eskort bayan financial support into the thousands over the years.  They have never been grateful and have the attitude that, “Since you have it, you should give it to us”.  What has me so mad is that my husband just met with his brother and sister and they told him he was not doing enough and demanded more.  They even blamed me for holding him back from giving more and that he should not be controlled by me.  Strangely, an aunt who always smiles to my face has joined in and says we should continue to help them.  She also says I should go along with the wishes of my husband.  She is a meddler who over the years has caused riffs in the family.  She finds any family conflict and joyfully enters in and causes problems.  We even live in different cities and rarely see her.  I called a family meeting with both of us and our three adult children who were all in town for our wedding anniversary.  They are all self-sustaining and always thought we were “stupid” to continuously help these “ingrates” (their words).  My husband totally agrees but feels guilty if he does not help them.  He even admitted to all of us that he has given them money I did not know about.  This has really made me angry and hurt.  I’ve actually had it with him and them.  What do you think?

Answer

Sadly, your problem is very common.  In my office, I regularly work with many family persons mad/enraged and/or hurt when being taken advantage of by other family members.  Even worse is when a meddling “do-gooder” family member interferes.  Not only is their meddling troublesome but they often appropriately end up roasting on the same rotisserie they try to put others on.

My best advice in dealing with family is that family has the best and first opportunity to be loved, but if they do not love you and try to take advantage of you, then treat them as you would any other negative force in your life:  Kick them out!  I further believe to love and help others who love and will care for you when in need is the core of a happy family life specifically and a happy life in general.

With that advice as a basis, your husband needs to be polite but firmly tell his aunt to stop meddling and become their financial support if she so desires.  Give her the burden and stay out of it.  You have no need to explain anything else to her other than that.  You can never satisfy a “family meddler” and they will use whatever you tell them in a negative way.  They are never happy and love to cause trouble for others.  She may very well call you in the future and complain when they take advantage of her and treat her poorly.

As far as the siblings, he can meet with them and let them know the bank is closed and their future friendship must be based on family love and mutual respect or there cannot be a relationship.  This will be hard on your husband.  He needs to know there is a good chance their relationship will be destroyed or at best badly damaged.  That you are already blamed for not sharing what in effect belongs to you and your husband shows what lack of respect they have for you.  Your husband also needs to understand the damage caused in your marriage over all this.  Even if you give them everyone you have, it will not be enough and you will not be respected.  As said above, kick them out and forget about them unless they want a mature family relationship based on mutual respect.

Any questions or comments would be appreciated.