Author: lstart

Question

Dr.Braccio:  My oldest silifke eskort ilanları son just turned 15 at the end of November and is in ninth grade.  School has always been an issue for him, but lately he is really struggling.  Right now, he is getting two Es, one C and one B. His last report card had two Es, one D and one C.  He also seems to have issues with anger and will just shut down when he’s upset.  He does see a counselor but is not all that receptive ‑‑ he feels there is nothing wrong.  I try to explain to him the importance of a good education and a high‑school diploma and college degree.  I tell him I’m willing (and I have) to sit down with him to help him with his homework, yet he brings home none, even though he is missing several assignments.  I can’t force him to do his homework and get good grades, but at the same time I’m afraid he will take the “wrong road” and end up who‑knows‑where.  I don’t want to see him fail ‑‑ I want him to be successful, which I also tell him!  Please help.  Any suggestions would be wonderful.

Answer

This is a difficult problem.  He is discouraged by school over a long period of time and is doing poorly.  His response has been to not try hard and just get by.  Even that is not working now that he is in high school and his grades are sliding.

His anger is probably related to his lack of success in school and the negative feedback he gets because of it.  He is in denial about his problem and says nothing is wrong.  That he will not bring homework home seems to mean he has accepted his poor academic performance and will only do what he can while at school.  He appears to have given up.

His anger shows the frustration he has with himself about school and probably other things in his life.  Life is difficult for a poor student who is having less and less success academically.  Even though he denies anything is wrong, his anger and attitude about school show this is not true.

The problem you have now is that his grades are such that he can flunk a grade.  This could lead to him quitting school when he is sixteen and that would be very sad in a time period when a high school diploma is a minimum for getting a relatively good job.

It will be difficult to change the attitude of your son .  The poor performance and lack of motivation is of long duration and getting worse.  Even though it is not going well, you are trying hard to help him and you cannot give up.

The following are some suggestions to help:

1.  Meet with school persons, including the school counselor, to get their ideas on what he can do to help him succeed in school.  This can make them more aware of him and hopefully give you ideas on how to better help him and give him more encouragement than he might normally get in the school environment.  Parental involvement is very positive and often leads to teachers, as busy as they might be, to give some special attention to someone who needs some extra support.

Question

Dr.Braccio:  I find anger over time is seeping into my life karatay escort more and more.  I’m negative and so many things bother me.  My wife and mother, who lives with us, recently told me they’re sick of my negative attitude, fault finding and anger about everything.  I went to our adult son and his wife to talk about this.  They both agreed and said I need to loosen up, socialize more, seek the positive in life, quit fault finding and throw out the anger.  I talked to my boss and he thinks I’m both angry and depressed.  Everyone thinks I have a problem.  I do admit I’m not happy and can be a faultfinder and very negative person.  I would like to change and be happy.  What’s going on here and what should I do?

Answer

You are an angry and negative person.  These attitudes also make you depressed.  You can begin to change by being more optimistic and positive.  As the old saying goes, the optimist and pessimist have the same frequency of error, but the optimist is so much happier.  In the middle of the storm, the optimist imagines the glorious sun that will shortly shine forth or even the beautiful rainbow that can follow a storm.  The pessimist cannot enjoy a sparkling sunny day because he or she knows the clouds and rain are coming.

Remember that attitudes are choices we make about how to interpret our life.  One can see the rainstorm as preparing the earth for the wondrous corn that will grow so we can eat and live or as a nuisance to make us uncomfortable and unable to enjoy the day.

Even though your negative outlook will be hard to change, you can do it by making some changes in how you interpret things and your reaction to life.  For example, try to find something to compliment in someone you would normally find fault with.

Recognize that the important people in your life are all saying the same thing about you and you are not disagreeing.

Build on your desire “to change” and “be happy”.  Know you have the ability to do it and the job is half done.  Then always remind yourself of how unhappy you were the day you decided to change and enjoy every happy moment you have by being positive.

Communicate effectively and positively by listening to what others say and being sensitive to what is important to them and trying to understand their outlooks.  This can create tolerance by having you try to walk in the shoes of someone else.  All those around you will enjoy being with you.

Question

Dr.Braccio:  I’m always down on konya merkez bayan arkadaş myself.  It doesn’t matter what I do.  I wait for bad things to happen.  I try to be positive but keep believing people will figure me out and see I’m not as good as they think I am.  My husband and 15 and 18 year old children tell me to loosen up and enjoy life and my successes.  They believe the negative messages that my parents and grandmother gave me when I was growing up that I always had to try harder and nothing I did was good enough are the cause of my worries and anxiety.  It’s strange my children can see this and I can’t.  My parents still warn me not to get too confident because I could fail at any minute.  I’ve got a good job with the State of Michigan where I have made steady advances over the past twenty-five years, many friends, a good husband and two fine children.  What’s wrong with me?

Answer

I agree with your husband and children.  You cannot shake the early messages from your youth that whatever you did was not good enough.  There was a popular book written by Ciance Pauline some years ago called the “Imposter Phenomenon”.  It’s theme is that some persons, regardless of what success they achieve, never feel that they are doing well enough and people eventually find out their success is fake and they are imposters rather than the successful persons people thought they are.  This sounds like you.  In spite of your solid professional, social and family successes over a period of time, you feel you will be found out as an imposter and fail.

Do not let the old tapes from your youth control your present.  Constantly reinforce to yourself that you are successful in the major phases of your life and it will continue.  You have a good job, good friends, a good marriage and family.  You are a true success for all of us to stand up, take notice and congratulate.

That your parents are still giving you negative messages is a sad continuation of their unfortunate pattern of negative reinforcement.  You must see it as unacceptable to you and make appropriate efforts to end it.  You need to firmly let them know you are and always have been a successful person due to your hard efforts and it will continue.  Even though this is easier said than done, you need to give little credence to the negative messages of your parents.  Let them be burdened with their negativity and not you.

You can meet with your husband and children and say you want to learn how to be positive and see yourself in the same positive way as do others.  Ask them to keep encouraging you and remind you if the old negative tapes try to take hold.  They will on and off come back and you need to be on guard.

You seem like a very nice person.  You need to enjoy yourself, your family, your work and your friends.  Never forget that you deserve it as well as a happy life with recognition for how hard you work and your many successes.

Question

Dr. Braccio:  My husband and I come from dysfunctional families with a long list of chronic mental health problems.  In fact, a major reason we moved here was to have konya merkez genç kızlar a peaceful life way away from them.  We have done that but I’m worried about our thirteen year old daughter.  Except for some minimal anxiety and inattention, she’s doing well in life.  My concern is if she will develop severe personality problems.  My husband and friends tell me to quit worrying unless there are some problems.  The school principal tells me the same thing.  My husband also says we’ve overcome our dysfunctional homes and are doing fine.  What’s wrong with me?  Should I quit worrying?  What should I do?

Answer

You are a concerned mother.  Be proud of that.  Talk positively about how well she is doing and that you are so proud of her.   The problem is that your great concern could inadvertently and subtlety cause your daughter to believe she must develop problems and will. Let the self-fulfilling prophecy be one of hope versus “severe emotional problems”.

At a positive level, you yourself say “she’s doing well in life”.  Even though various mental health problems can have a physical basis, a positive and supportive environment can certainly decrease their effects on a person.  The fact you and your husband have separated yourselves from dysfunctional family members appears to be working due to the mental health success of both of you and your daughter.  The fact your husband states both of you have “overcome your dysfunctional homes” seems to show environment, and not physical problems, caused many of the problems in your homes when growing up.  A good environment can help your daughter be as effective of a person as possible.  That she is doing well at thirteen is most positive and bodes well for her future success as a human being.

Because of the “chronic mental health problems” in your families, it only makes sense to keep a close eye on how your daughter is doing.  Try not to be hyper-vigilant because this will only make her nervous and feel something must be wrong.  It would be like a person with a plane phobic passing this horrible condition onto the child by constantly focusing on the dangers of flying in front of the child.

Your excessive concern could be the result of you playing old tapes in your mind from when you were growing up that something was wrong with you and now must be wrong with your daughter.  Or you may harbor fears that you have not truly escaped the ravages of your own dysfunctional background.  Focus the energy of your concerns here, thus eliminating subtle negative influences on your daughter.  Throw that tape out and replace if with a tape that says, “My daughter is doing well.  My husband and I are also doing well and doing a great job raising our angel.”

Question

Dr.Braccio:  Our 11 and 12 year olds konya merkez kadın numaraları fight all the time.  They have always been competitive, but now it seems even worse.  We’ve tried to ignore them as much as possible and say boys will be boys, but now they’re really getting angry with each other and fighting physically.  We’ve intervened and told them to back it off.  It’s not working.  We feel we’re failing as parents. What’s going on?  What can we do to stop it?

Answer

Your children have a strong case of “sibling rivalry” that is going too far and needs to be controlled.  The key thing is to gain perspective to better help you change their behaviors.

Arguing and competing with each other is a normal part of sibling human development.  Each of your sons is trying to develop his place in the family and most specifically with each other.  Even though as parents you must control their behaviors, it is something they must work out in a nondestructive manner.  With your direction, I am sure they can do it.

You are not failing as parents.  You will only fail if you do not set limits on their inappropriate behaviors and attitudes and enforce them.

The following are behaviors you cannot allow:

1.  Bitter interactions fueled by anger and sometimes rage.

2.  Threatening and intimidating statements to each other of a physical or violent nature.

3.  Physical fighting or other violent actions.

4.  Destructive and cruel teasing.  This includes demeaning and mocking statements.

5.  Constant bickering.

6.  Attempts to co-parent the other when you are disciplining one or the other.

These are suggestions to help you take control of the behaviors:

1.  Model civilized and caring interactions with yourselves as a couple and with your children.

Question

Dr.Braccio:  It seems being old fashioned about kocasinan escort bayan parenting is a flaw to many.  My husband and I live in a home filled with love where our 14 and 15 year old sons are to let us know what they are doing, where they are and with whom.  They have a curfew of 9:00 p.m. during the week and at midnight on weekends.  After discussion with them, exceptions are made for school events and reasons we find reasonable.  They also have chores we expect them to complete.  To be good students is expected.  Our kids go along with most of this.  The problem is with friends of theirs who put pressure on them to push us to change.  It amazes us that various parents of their friends feel we are too rigid and need to open up.  Two parents have actually told us this.  Most of their friends do not have curfews and few expectations at home.  What do you think?  Are we too rigid?

Answer

I do not think you are “too rigid”.  In a world loaded with teenage disrespect, drug abuse, inappropriate sexual conduct, parental abdication of responsibility, and family chaos in many homes, the consistency you offer is critical to their chances for success in life now and in the future.  Behaviors and outlooks during these years will predictably continue in adulthood.

Parents must be consistent and fair in their parenting.  You appear to meet both standards.  That other parents and their children  think you are too strict is their opinion and nothing for you to worry about.  You also can find parents with far more restrictive curfews and rules than you have.  It is your responsibility to determine how to raise your children.

Too often parents cave in to the opinions of their children or others on parenting.  This is the deceptively easy thing to do and reduces much pressure in the short term.  The problem is that your parental standards become inconsistent, will always be challenged, and the end result too often is to lose control over your children through ineffective parenting.

An important aspect of parenting is to be flexible as a parent.  Rules that are written in stone and never can be discussed or adjusted can limit your options by not being able to make exceptions.  This does not appear to be a problem for you because you involve the children and do make exceptions for school events and other situations you feel are reasonable on an individual basis.  Their involvement in family expectations is always a good idea.

Human beings need structure in their lives.  This is particularly true with children in their teenage years.  With all the social pressures and physical changes occurring, it is important that the home and family be a center of love and consistency.  Do not back off from offering your children what you believe they need.  Continue to be effective parents.

Question

Dr.Braccio:  My husband unexpectedly died six months mersin esc ago.  Up until then, and we had been married nine years and have two boys aged seven and eight, his parents, older children of my husband and the rest of his family had nothing to do with me.  We decided to move a thousand miles away.  In fairness, we had an affair while he was married and everyone turned against him and hated me.  I accept this was wrong.  Now, his first wife just died in a freak accident and his father, who is healthy but 85, called and asked if we would consider meeting and trying to start being a part of the family.  He candidly told me they loved my husband’s first wife and were enraged at him and me for breaking up the family.  He said they believed with both of them dead, it was time to move on.  I have mixed feelings.  They are a prominent and good family, but I worry about how they will treat us.  What do you think?

Answer

To be part of the family of your late husband would be good for your children.  Do not allow their past resentment, that had nothing to do with them, keep your children from their grandparents and other family members.  This is said with the assumption the resentment they have had for you does not carry over to your children.  If this were to occur, then it is best not to get together.

If you do decide to let the past go and move on, do not let the fear of failure stop you.  Work on the assumption that past resentments can be overcome at least in relation to the grandchildren.  Your situation is far more complicated.  Obviously, their interest is in the grandchildren.  If you can accept this and you all try to start anew under these circumstances, then go for it.  The grandfather’s candor about the past and now the future is hopefully a good indication that good communication can occur.

At the risk of offending you, I suggest you accept why they have been angry at you and that it has been reasonable for them to defend and identify with the victim of the philandering.

You can begin by having some intensive phone conversations with the grandparents.  This may be painful, but the feelings and resentment need to come out prior to meeting.  Discussions must include how they will react to you and the children.

When you feel comfortable, if you do, I suggest you have them visit you and spend a weekend.  Depending on how you feel, you can have them stay with you or a hotel.  Once you decide to see them, you will need to prepare the children.  Let them know they have family they do not know and they will be meeting them.  Children their age will most likely ask few questions and will look forward to meeting them.

Question

Dr.Braccio:  I’m feeling karatay olgun bayan very defeated.  I’m a first year graduate student but my mother still controls me through guilt!  Of the three sisters, I’m the only one who can‘t break away.  She’s broken up two relationships of mine by putting what I see now as false doubts in my mind.  She now wants me to call her all the time so she won’t worry about me.  My sisters, even if lovingly, laugh at me and tell me it’s time to break away.  I want to but it would so hurt her feelings.  I know she loves me and will do anything for me.  What can I do?  This is harder than people seem to think it is.

ANSWER

Let me begin by agreeing “this is harder that people seem to think it is”.  Guilt mixed with genuine love is what causes so much conflict among otherwise loving and caring family persons. However, do not confuse “love” for dependency!

It is possible that your mother is undergoing a less-than-fortunate transition in her life.  One dynamic that could be affecting your relationship is the “empty-nest” syndrome.  The possibility of her losing her family parent/child patterns may feel very threatening to her.  This has clearly happened with your sisters.  That is her problem, not yours, unless you choose to continue as you are.

Obviously, this is not a harmonious and growing relationship for you.  Of primary importance is that you are allowing fear to control you.  It is shown in your projections about what might happen if you follow your own path through life“…it would so hurt her feelings”.  As for yourself, if you don’t change this pattern, will you not feel unhealthy, unhappy and unfulfilled?  What kind of a price are you paying for your mismanagement of your feelings and respect towards yourself and your mother?

It is critical for you to have the courage to enter into a sincere and honest dialog with your mother on this issue.  Do not compromise yourself.  Your mother is responsible for her feelings, not you. You have plenty of reasons to manage your emotional energies in a more wholesome way.  As you advance your growth in academic skills through your schooling, it is time to advance your emotional maturity through making loving choices to clearly establish and maintain your personal boundaries.  By all means, take every freedom to resist taking on any responsibilities for your mother’s feelings and resist feeling badly about your choice to become yourself.  This can lead to a much healthier relationship with your mother that will be far more fulfilling for both of you.  Even though difficult at first, I believe both of you will see this in the future.

Question

Dr.Braccio:  My seven karatay bayan escort year old son is afraid of anything new.  He wants everything very predictable.  He’s loving but gets very tense and upset if we want to do something new or even if I change our routine.  His first grade teacher says I need to teach him to explore new things and that he cannot be fearful of everything.  She says he’s always near her and seems to worry about everything.  I feel bad about this.  What’s the problem?  What can I do?  I’m a worrier too and have seen this in him as normal.  I know how bad this had been for me and I need to help him be different.

Answer

Your son is very fearful.  Fear is reasonable when there is danger and the body prepares itself for battle in the famous adrenalin driven “fight or flight” response to fear or danger.  In the case of your son, even if he has a biological tendency, the fears in him are learned behaviors.  He must learn when fear is appropriate and when it is not.  You need to teach him this.  This can best be done by changing yourself in the process.

It appears he has picked up your behaviors as you have modeled them.  It is the same as the way we pick up the language we speak or the English accent we pronounce.  Do not feel guilty for this.  You did not plan this problem for either of you and now is the time to make changes in both yourself and your son.  See it as an exciting “voyage” to make both of your lives happier and less stressful.

The following are some helpful things you can do:

1.  Explain to him over and over again that he must accept reasonable changes in life.  That change is the normal process and not something to fear.  It can be stressful, but change can make life exciting and an exploration of constantly new things.  Be kind but firm when doing this.

2.  Address each fear he has by talking to him as be expresses it and try to talk him out of it and help him successfully live the experience.  Gradually, he will do it himself.

3.  Constantly encourage him to try new things with “at a boy” statements.

4.  Even though he is young, explain at a seven year old level how you have been fearful and how it has caused you pain.  Let him know you will help him be less fearful and try the same with yourself.  Make it a team effort.

Question

Dr.Braccio:     I’m sick of my need for approval from everyone for all karatay escort I do.  It goes all the way back as far as I can remember.  Even though I never quit trying, I could never do things quite right for my parents.  There was always the fatal flaw.  My husband tells me to do what I feel comfortable with and not worry about what others think, but I want my parents, my husband, my young children, neighbors, co-workers and family to like me and approve of what I do.  I want to change but genuinely believe I must please people.  My husband has me worried I’ll pass this trait on to our two young children.  What should I do?  I’m wearing me and my husband out.

Answer

You need to quit seeking approval from others and seek it from within you.  Be kind and loving of yourself.  Accept and cherish you as the wonderful and caring person you are.  Even though they hopefully did not intend it, when your parents always found fault with you and you kept trying to please them, you became programmed to think what you did was wrong and you needed to get approval.  Sadly, you could never get it.  At best, it was a fleeting approval that you always worried would be pulled away from you when the “fatal flaw” was unveiled.  You have expanded this belief to many more people at this stage of your life.

At present, you have lost perspective on what are reasonable expectations for you and others in your interactions.  Even though it will be hard for you to change a lifetime of ingrained behaviors, you must do it.  Set a reasonable standard for you and not worry what others think.  You need freedom from your emotional prison of false needs for approval.  A caution is that people you have trained to treat you this way may not like the new you.  You must stand up to them and even drop them if they desire to control you emotionally.

Your inappropriate approval places you at the back of the bus in interactions with others and the end result is lowered self-esteem for you.  You basically say what you think is good and important only if validated by those who approve your actions.  You have no control over your feelings or priorities.

You want to be a good example for your children to best help them develop positive self-esteem. They cannot do this if they pick up your bad habits.  Use your voyage to change yourself as also having the goal of helping your children to develop their own personalities through good individual choices not developed by the fickle winds of the opinions of others.

Begin the change in you by talking to your husband and working out a plan to make you feel much better emotionally by taking control of your feelings, actions and decisions.  A pastor and/or therapist experienced in helping change persons in your situation could be supportive.  Be advised that the road to change will be difficult to navigate.  You need to never lose sight of your overall goal of good self-esteem and more control of yourself and how you feel.

Any questions or comments would be appreciated.

Question

Dr.Braccio:  I’m feeling very badly about how my husband and I have anamur bayan escort treated our son over the years.  Even though often frustrating, he’s well liked and a good hearted boy.  He’s 15 and has just recently been diagnosed with AD/HD.  We’ve always been so critical of him.  We always thought his being hyper and inattentive were the result of bad choices and a lack of self-control.  We now know we were unfair.  Our relationship with him has not been good and we feel bad about that.  We see how much better he’s doing with medication and trying new strategies to compensate for his AD/HD through awareness of his problem.  He’s reacting to us positively and seems happy with our contrite and more understanding attitude.  What do you think about this and what should we do?

 Answer

Even though late, it is fortunate you have found out about his AD/HD.  You now can begin to have a far better relationship armed with knowledge of his disorder.

It is never too late to discuss this issue honestly and sincerely with your son.  As parents, you obviously operated with the best information you had at the time.  It was inadequate, but now you have appropriate information and can make new choices on how you relate to one another.

It would be very healing for you and him to admit your responsibility for your parenting choices and how they became hurtful to him.  Even if your knowledge was faulty and you meant the best for him, it would be a significant gesture to apologize for your own inadvertent inattention to his needs.

That he is “reacting to you positively” shows the parental child relationship is still positive among the three of you.  In that he is a “good hearted boy” and has not developed acting out or socially inappropriate behaviors is a tribute to your parenting and him as a person.

Reaffirm to him that you are doing your best to change your perceptions, attitudes, and behaviors. Ask him to offer you that same courtesy.  This is a terrific opportunity for healing and positive transformation of your relationship.

The new relationships based on the new awareness and changes in him brought about by the medication, trying new compensation strategies for his AD/HD, his new outlook, and your new outlook may be difficult for all of you to assimilate for a while.  Do not be afraid.  Try to cement a new relationship and see it as a wondrous new opportunity for all of you.  The old relationship was based on faulty assumptions that led to misunderstandings and resulting poor relationships.

Question

JHB

Dr.Braccio:  My husband and I were talking about what we now konya merkez bayan arkadaş accept as our lifelong obsession with security.  Our parents, who were from the Great Depression Era, raised us this way.  We’ve always been cautious and have secure governmental jobs.  My husband did not play sports in high school out of fear he might get hurt and I always have been in the background so as not to be noticed.  Our older children are the same and both have relatively secure jobs.  Our unexpected thirteen year old, fifteen years younger than his sister and seventeen years younger than his brother, is a risk taker and has already worn us out with worry. He plays football, baseball and any other sport he can.  While we worry, we do realize he thrives on competition and seems to be happy, even if intense much of the time.  Unexpectedly, he has taught us that life offers more than security.  Even our older children, who also follow his athletic career, are amazed by him and how different he is from us.  We all follow his athletic career.  Even though late, how can we get more zip in our life and how can we not worry so much about him?

Answer

You have big questions.  To begin with, you have had successful lives and have eliminated much risk.  To have security in this unpredictable world is positive.  Your influence over your two older children is obvious because they are like you.  Your youngest son clearly beats to his own drum, and his drum beats to one of excitement and challenge.  With him around, this can be a good time to change and “get more zip” in your life.

An important thing to remember is that thinkers from Julius Caesar to modern day guru Dr. Wayne Dyer have said fear of the unknown causes more fear than what we can see.  To seek out the unknown and meet new challenges can be exhilarating if fear of the unknown does not stop us from trying new things.

In your own situation, look at life from a probability perspective.  For example, to spend money to buy a modest cottage may be a risk, but look at your financial situation and job security.  It would appear that after such a review, you would determine to buy the cottage if you so desired.  On the other hand, to quit your jobs and go to California to seek a more exciting 1960s life would not make sense without a lot of planning.

It is positive you are not seeing your son as “wrong” and trying to stifle his thriving on “competition” and being happy with the life he is living.  This is a compliment to the parenting of both of you.  While you need to teach him how to be stable, effective and balanced, his competitive life is positive for him and try to learn from him.  Recognize there are risks in what he does, but the positive excitement and achievement make them acceptable.  This outlook can reduce your worrying.

Enjoy his life with him and “go with the flow”.  This may be difficult after so many years of “Depression Era” thinking.  The key thing is to relax and get some excitement through some uncertainty that can keep the blood flowing.  Remember the excitement in the voice of Captain Kirk of Star Trek when he said he would “go where no man has gone before”.  Even if you are not ready to become Captain Kirk, go places emotionally and physically where you have not been before and you will “get more zip in you life.”  The unique factor is that your son can be your guide!

Any questions or comments would be appreciated!