MAY 9, 2024- Life can be a challenge for a person who comes from a loving home. Unfortunately, for persons who come from non-loving homes, the probabilities of them suffering many characteristics that negatively impact their ability to have happy lives is greatly enhanced. I am not saying all persons who grew up in non-loving homes will be miserable and unhappy persons and cannot be highly successful persons. To the contrary,there are many examples of persons who have come from difficult non-loving homes and have been successful. With that said, not being loved in a home is not only difficult during their youth, but the characteristics they too often acquire can make their lives very difficult to even miserable and self-destructive. The following are characteristics that too often occur for adults who were not loved as children: 1. Low self-esteem. The negative words they heard day after day when growing up unfortunately can continue throughout their lives. The internal critic too often rules. 2. Being a pleaser to the point the person has no boundaries on what is good for them and they simply will do whatever it takes to make another person approve of what they are doing. 3. Isolation from others because of the belief they are not worthy to be with other persons can result in a miserable isolated life. This is what they believe they deserve and where they feel safer emotionally. 4. A desire to control others they encounter in their own lives because they never had control of their lives when growing up. This is obviously self defeating because they then negatively impact relationships with other persons and often lose them and continue to be unhappy and often alone. 5. Addiction and inappropriate use of alcohol and drugs in an attempt to stop the emotional pain which is obviously self-destructive and has no happy ending.. 6. Overcompensating in a job or career that may look successful to the rest of the world, but is only being done to seek approval for their achievements. It is a hollow success that is not being done for their own self satisfaction, but hopefully from receiving approval from others. 7. Abandonment fears in any relationship that does not go well with the belief no one will stay with them because of their conviction the person will, like their parents did, emotionally leave them. Sadly,this often occurs because the other person tires of someone who is always fearful they are leaving and often can be quite drama producing with constant tests to show they will not abandon them. 8. Constant fear of failure because they were never given approval for successes when growing up and believe it will eventually always occur in whatever they try to accomplish. 9. An inability to share insights and deep inner feelings about themselves for fear the information will be used to hurt them. 10. An inability to trust others because of fears of future betrayal and abandonment.

April 25, 2024- Someone falling in love with you is an incredibly exciting time for an honest person looking to love and be loved. The problem is there are persons who are highly manipulative and will take on the role of a manipulating “love bomber”. This is a person who will use all the psychological tools they can to manipulate you to or fall in love with them. Their ultimate goal is to take control of your life and totally destroy your self esteem and identity as a person. While even the most perceptive of persons runs the risk of falling under the almost hypnotic spell of the “love bomber”, the most vulnerable are persons naïve to loving relationships or desperately looking to love and be loved with someone in a loving magical relationship. As a result,anyone wanting to be loved and love someone is vulnerable to the “love bomber” and can fall under their sway. Love bombers are a form of sociopath in the sense they have no feelings for the person they are “love bombing”. Their goal is to have the person fall fully in love. Then they will gradually take control of their lives, isolate them from others and very candidly make them and their lives very miserable. The following are some things to look for that are typical of the “love bomber”. If you are experiencing some of them, the best advice is try to end the relationship as soon as possible and move on emotionally to save yourself from potentially a very damaging and destructive relationship. 1. In a beginning relationship ,when the person seems to be remarkably better than common sense tells you, you are probably right. 2. Expensive gifts way beyond the stage of the relationship. 3. Wanting to control all your free time. 4. Cutting you off from having time to see friends and family. 5. Warnings from family and friends you trust that the relationship is not good for you. 6. An attempt to mirror your likes and dislikes to a level of agreement that is unreasonable and clearly manipulative to show your complete compatibility. 7. The pace of the relationship is way too fast. 8. Praise and compliments that are way beyond reasonable . 9. Planning future events when the relationship is not at that stage. 10. Strong resistance with “love bombing” at any attempt to slow down the speed of the relationship.

April 16, 2024- One of the major complaints I regularly hear from one spouse or partner about the other over the years in my work as a psychologist is the lack of needed emotional communication and ongoing commitment to continue it. Like a garden,emotional communication must be addressed daily. If problems are not addressed and changed,they can lead to very unhappy relationships and too often can end them. The general belief is that this is more of a problem with men than women. Even if this were true, there are certainly many women who have problems in communication at an emotional level. With that said, it is safe to say each person is unique in regards to their willingness and ability to have effective emotional communication and commitment to it. There are some critical factors that are important in order for a partner or spouse to know the other desires a strong emotional commitment and is willing to work on it. This requires the willingness to share important things about themselves that allow a loving long term relationship or marriage to grow positively against all the pressures that can and predictably will occur over time. Critical factors would include the following: 1.Honest and authentic expression of feelings about yourself. 2.Be willing to be vulnerable emotionally and share how you truly feel about things. 3.Explain previous experiences in life to help explain how you have become the person you are. 4.Turn off electronic and other distractions for hopefully daily times to share feelings. 5. Try to use active listening to make sure you get the full message being sent to you before responding or interrupting. This can be very hard to do if you feel you are not being understood. 6.Recognize there will be rough spots where honest disagreements will occur and emotional communication will not succeed. Accept that and keep trying. 7. Be available emotionally during difficult times. 8. Hugs and kisses are important forms of emotional communication. 9 .Develop stronger spirituality with the possible support of a priest or minister could be helpful. 10. Seek out a therapist if you feel necessary to help give guidance on how to be more effective at emotional communication.