April 16, 2024- One of the major complaints I regularly hear from one spouse or partner about the other over the years in my work as a psychologist is the lack of needed emotional communication and ongoing commitment to continue it. Like a garden,emotional communication must be addressed daily. If problems are not addressed and changed,they can lead to very unhappy relationships and too often can end them. The general belief is that this is more of a problem with men than women. Even if this were true, there are certainly many women who have problems in communication at an emotional level. With that said, it is safe to say each person is unique in regards to their willingness and ability to have effective emotional communication and commitment to it. There are some critical factors that are important in order for a partner or spouse to know the other desires a strong emotional commitment and is willing to work on it. This requires the willingness to share important things about themselves that allow a loving long term relationship or marriage to grow positively against all the pressures that can and predictably will occur over time. Critical factors would include the following: 1.Honest and authentic expression of feelings about yourself. 2.Be willing to be vulnerable emotionally and share how you truly feel about things. 3.Explain previous experiences in life to help explain how you have become the person you are. 4.Turn off electronic and other distractions for hopefully daily times to share feelings. 5. Try to use active listening to make sure you get the full message being sent to you before responding or interrupting. This can be very hard to do if you feel you are not being understood. 6.Recognize there will be rough spots where honest disagreements will occur and emotional communication will not succeed. Accept that and keep trying. 7. Be available emotionally during difficult times. 8. Hugs and kisses are important forms of emotional communication. 9 .Develop stronger spirituality with the possible support of a priest or minister could be helpful. 10. Seek out a therapist if you feel necessary to help give guidance on how to be more effective at emotional communication.

March 26, 2024- The goal or dream of most persons is to have a loving, long-term relationship with a partner. Even if not in a marriage, the goal is the same because most human beings do not like being alone and tired of many ongoing and generally shallow relationships. The pain can be very difficult emotionally when one believes they are in a relationship that may potentially be lifelong, and it suddenly explodes into an unexpected break up. The person then is in great emotional distress even if they knew the relationship was not going well when it unexpectedly breaks up. Even if this is something that occurs in a short term intense relationship, that does not minimize the pain emotionally the person suffers who experiences it. The following are things to do if this occurs in your life: 1. Recognize that as painful as it is for you emotionally, you will be able to move on and most likely eventually find a successful, long-term relationship. 2. Try to determine what actually destroyed the relationship. When persons are blindsided and a relationship ends, there often were signs that were not noticed and sometimes did not want to be believed. 3. Try to learn from what happened to make sure it does not happen again. This sounds very simple, but requires a lot of personal analysis. 4. Recognize that most relationships that break up,whether long or short term, are the result of problems on both sides. 5. Without developing guilt and great remorse, it is important to see if you had problems with possessiveness, criticalness,, selfishness, envy, or what Shakespeare called the Green-Eyed Monster of jealousy. 6. Seek out friends and family who will be supportive with you during this period of difficulty. Do not overwhelm them with your feelings, but rather seek their support and love in difficult emotional times. 7. Accept there will be a painful emotional period of grieving for what has been lost and you believe could have developed. 8. Recognize the ending of the relationship may be very helpful to you psychologically if the two of you were a bad fit and only future problems would have occurred if you stayed together. 9. If you find it is impossible to sort out what has occurred on your own, seeking out an experienced therapist with short term and long-term failing relationships could be helpful to prepare you psychologically to be more effective in future relationships.

March 19, 2024- Even though we encounter them regularly, narcissists(NPD) and sociopaths(ASPD) continue to fascinate us. The fact they can be very charming and sometimes seeming to greatly care, makes them very difficult to deal with emotionally for a person who trusts easily and gives people the benefit of the doubt. The problem is that narcissists have at their best little empathy and sociopaths have none. The difference is that the narcissist has a grandiose sense of self and constantly needs others to reflect back their superiority and unique skills. Narcissism actually feeds on other persons agreeing and vindicating their feelings of superiority. The sociopath is totally different. The sociopath has no empathy and often uses charm and manipulation to get what they desire from someone. Because of their lack of feelings or empathy, they can easily cause great psychological harm to individuals who care and love them, as well as friends, business associates, coworkers, and employees who depend on them. The problem for the average person is that they often will humor the narcissist, even if they find them overbearing and annoying. The sociopath is much harder to uncover. Their acts of sabotage can skillfully be done with manipulation, lying, “love bombing” and being cleverly irresponsible in a way it is hard to determine what they are up to. If you feel you are having negative interactions that are impacting your own self-worth and happiness by spending time, or even loving a narcissist or sociopath, the following are some suggestions on how to help set yourself free emotionally: 1. Set firm boundaries on the interactions you will have with these persons. 2. As needed, separate yourself from toxic persons in your life regardless of the relationship you currently have with them. 3. Learn to be more perceptive when persons are simply looking for adoration or seem to be doing things that are making you feel less of yourself due to gaslighting behaviors. Even though this may be hard for you to process psychologically, the painful emotional results will be obvious even if it seems you are under their spell. 4. If in a psychologically destructive relationship with a narcissist or sociopath and not sure how to get out of it, seeking a therapist experienced with treating persons involved with narcissists or sociopaths to help you move away from the person and be able to lead a normal and happy psychological life could be helpful.